Jane
by jmss7
Summary: Roy introduces Johnny to his daughter's school teacher and the attraction is mutual, to Roy's dismay. When things get serious between them, everyone's life changes. Updated and complete! Thanks to HK.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

The call came through on a Saturday shift: "Squad 51, burn victim, Friendship Park, East 220th Street, cross street Wilmington, time out, 13.36." John Gage and Roy DeSoto, firefighter paramedics with the Los Angeles County Fire Department, drove to the park where a community barbeque was taking place. There were many older people milling about, but a young man approached the squad as they pulled up to the curb. They were directed to a picnic table, where a slender young woman in her early twenties, with long wavy red hair and freckles on her nose, wearing a pale green sun dress, had wrapped an older white-haired man's hands with wet towels and placed them into a cooler filled with ice that had been used to keep sodas cold. A barbeque with hamburgers still on it was nearby, smoking terribly, with an empty bucket beside it on the ground, and some fuel in a can beside that. Roy looked at the young woman and gave a start of surprise. He smiled at her and said, "Hello, Miss MacKay!"

She smiled back and said, "Hello, Mr DeSoto."

"Call me Roy."

"Then call me Jane."

Johnny was busy setting up their gear and looked over with interest. Roy noticed and introduced him: "Johnny, this is my daughter's school teacher, Jane MacKay; Jane this is my partner John Gage."

John looked at her more closely, obviously impressed. "Did you do this, wrapping his hands in towels and icing them?"

"Yes, I hope that's all right – it's just that he was in so much pain from the burns, and I knew that getting the heat down is the first priority to stopping tissue damage." Roy reassured her, and the ambulance arrived.

John whispered in an aside to Roy, "How did she know that?" and Roy shrugged, raising his eyebrows.

Jane spoke to the injured man, getting close enough that she could put her hand on his shoulder and make eye contact with him. "Mr Watson, you are going to be fine now, with the help of these paramedics and the doctors at the hospital." Roy grinned. Jane stood back and watched as Roy and Johnny spoke with the hospital and worked on the man's burns. She seemed to look a lot at Johnny, and there was something in her eyes as she watched him gently help Mr Watson, and talked him through the placement of the bandages and insertion of an IV drip.

Mr Watson looked imploringly at Jane. "Would you come to the hospital with me? I don't know anyone else I can ask, and I can't do anything with my hands…" his voice trailed off. It was obvious that he was in a lot of pain. She looked at Roy, and he nodded. "I'll get your things together and come with you, then," she told Mr Watson. Roy introduced her to the ambulance driver and she got into the cab. By now Mr Watson was on a stretcher and being loaded into the back of the ambulance. Roy climbed in after him, and John got into the squad to follow them to the hospital.

* * *

When they got to Rampart General Hospital, the Emergency head nurse, Dixie McCall, directed the ambulance attendants into Treatment Room 3. Mr Watson called for Jane. Jane looked quizzically at Dixie, and she nodded and opened the door wider for her to enter. Dr Kelly Brackett, F.A.C.S., was already unwrapping the new bandages that John had applied in order to check Mr Watson's injuries. Jane was asked to give an account of the incident as Mr Watson was in too much pain to talk. Dixie asked Roy if he would take Jane into the waiting room, and they walked together, talking about what had happened and why Jane was at the barbeque.

"I volunteer at a community center on Saturdays to help with the older people who don't get out much. The center sponsored the barbeque today so that some shut-ins could socialize and get fresh air. I've been visiting with Mr Watson for a few months – his wife died last year and his children are all living far away – Mr Watson had become depressed and reluctant to go outside, even to do his groceries. Today was a real success, and he was doing so well that he volunteered to cook the burgers. Someone thought that there wasn't enough fire in the barbeque and while Mr Watson was putting on the meat with his hands, they helpfully added fuel to the coals, which…"

"Which of course blew up the flames and burned Mr Watson"

"I suppose you must see quite a lot of this sort of thing, being a fireman and a paramedic."

"Far too often. So you spend all your weekdays working with little children in a classroom, and your weekends volunteering with old folks."

"I guess it seems silly, doesn't it? But since my parents died I really feel better if I have something I have to do, and it does make a nice contrast – 6 year olds Monday to Friday; 70 year olds on Saturdays…"

"And on Sundays you rest?"

Jane laughed. "I sure do!"

John came up to Roy just as Jane was laughing, with supplies in his hands and an aggrieved expression on his face. He resented that Roy, a married man, got to talk with this pretty young woman, and seemed to know her already, while he was stuck getting IV bags from the supply room. It just wasn't fair. Jane looked up at John and smiled, and he couldn't help it, all his resentment flowed away and he grinned back at her. Roy cleared his throat. "We'd better get back to work. It was a pleasure to see you again, Jane."

"It really has been," replied Jane, but she was looking at Johnny, as if she was interested in this tall dark haired young man.

* * *

Back in the squad, while heading back to the station, John called in their availability and started to ask Roy some questions. "So, Jane is your daughter's teacher, huh? She looks pretty young to be teaching. How old is she?"

"I don't know – early twenties? Old enough to be a teacher."

"Yeah. Huh. So how did she know what to do for that burn victim?"

"I don't know – we didn't talk about that."

"Well, what do you know?"

"What's with all the questions?" Roy glanced over at John. "NO. You are not hitting on my daughter's teacher, no matter how cute you think she is."

"What are you talking about? I'm not hitting on anybody! I'm just asking some questions about someone you know and you don't seem to want to tell me anything! Which speaks for itself, Roy."

"You know what? We are not having this conversation. I don't even want to know what's going through that head of yours."

John snorted. "Yeah, well, I know what's going through your head!"

Roy glared at him. "You do not! You never do! You only think you do! And I'm not talking to you!"

"Fine," retorted Johnny. And they finished their ride in silence.

* * *

A few days later, back on shift, Squad 51 was at the hospital bringing in a sick child when Dixie stopped them in the hallway. "By the way, I meant to tell you - that young woman who came in with you and the burn victim the other day, she's quite impressive."

Roy was surprised and asked, "In what way?"

"There are not many people I can think of who would come in every afternoon to spend time with an elderly man to whom she wasn't related, just out of kindness."

"Oh, really?"

"Yep. She comes here straight from her job, and spends an hour reading to him, and now a few other patients who don't have anyone visiting also get in on her visits."

Johnny asked, "Will she be here today?"

"I don't see any reason why not."

Roy asked, "What room is Mr Watson in?"

"Three oh four," then she looked at Johnny on the side and added, "but she doesn't get here until about 4:30, and stays until supper time, when she helps him eat."

"Okay, see you later, Dix. Take care."

* * *

Nothing more was said, but on their next run, they happened to be at the hospital when John asked for the time. Roy looked at the clock and said, "You'd like to check on Mr Watson, wouldn't you?"

"Yeah, if that's okay."

"Why not? Let's go see if she's there."

"You mean 'he,'" replied Johnny.

Roy countered, "I said 'she' and I meant 'she.'"

"I don't know what you're talking about, Roy – we often go check on people we've brought in." Roy just rolled his eyes.

As they got to 304, they heard several people laughing inside the room. Mr Watson was sitting up in bed with his hands in bandages, and his roommate was also sitting up. Two other people were there in wheelchairs. Jane was reading from Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen, and doing different voices for different characters. She looked up from her reading when the door opened and blushed when she saw Roy and John. Roy said, "Don't stop - sounds great!"

Mr Watson beamed at him. "I don't know what I would do without Jane. She's been my entertainment and private nurse – and now I have all these new friends too!"

Jane got up from her chair. "I think I'll let you gentlemen visit for a while." Everyone protested at her leaving, but she headed for the door. When she got there, she had to pass close by John.

He looked down at her lightly flushed face and said, "Hello, again."

She looked up into his eyes and started to say "Hi" but it seemed to disappear, and they both stood looking into each others eyes, until Mr Watson laughed and broke the spell. "She sure is a wonderful girl," he commented, and the other patients in the room agreed.

* * *

Johnny was uncharacteristically quiet after they left the room. Roy finally asked, "You okay?"

John seemed distracted. "Hmm? Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. I feel great. Really good, in fact. Why do you ask?"

"You just seem very quiet, that's all."

"Oh, yeah? I didn't notice." And he fell back into his abstraction.

Roy tried again when they were in the squad. "So, everyone seems really taken by Jane. She is pretty wonderful, isn't she?" John agreed in an offhand way, and Roy sighed.

* * *

The next day John was off duty and dropped by the hospital in the afternoon to see how Mr Watson was doing. Dixie smiled when he told her that. Jane seemed to blush again when John entered the room, but he spoke to Mr Watson first and asked how he was doing. Jane watched him out of the corner of her eye. She got up to leave, and he followed her, both of them saying goodbye to Mr Watson. In the doorway they bumped into each other accidentally and excused themselves.

"Oh, I'm sorry."

"No, it was my fault."

John looked down at her, his hand resting on her elbow to steady her. She seemed to be breathing quickly and didn't look at him right away, but then raised her eyes to meet his. What ever he saw there reassured him, because he said, "Are you doing anything this evening? Or tomorrow? I mean…"

She gave a little laugh and said, "I'm not doing anything this evening, but tomorrow I have my volunteer work at the community center."

She looked at him closely. "Would you like to come with me?"

John grinned and said, "I'd love to. How about we make some plans over some supper?"

Jane smiled back. "Would you mind if I made the supper? I have some food that I've already started to prepare waiting for me at home."

"I'd love that. You know I do some cooking too? Yeah, we all have to take turns at the fire station," and they left the hospital together talking about food.


	2. Chapter 2

2

At the beginning of their next shift together, Roy couldn't help noticing how happy John seemed. Nothing bothered him, and although he was still a bit distracted, he also seemed somehow more present than he had been in quite awhile. The men in the station noticed. Fireman Chet Kelly was the first to speak up, of course. "So John, you got a new girlfriend or something? You seem awfully pleased with yourself."

John just grinned back. "Maybe."

But Roy knew better. "You're seeing Jane, aren't you?"

Chet drew his chair closer. "Who's this Jane?"

"She's my daughter's school teacher."

"That's a new one for you, Johnny. Where did you meet her? Or did you introduce him, Roy?"

"Ask Roy, he knows everything." John walked over to the counter to pour himself a cup of coffee.

"Spill it, Roy," ordered Chet. Captain Hank Stanley and Fireman Marco Lopez came over to the table too.

"She's my daughter's teacher, and we met her last week when we responded to a burn call. She was helping the victim at the site, and has been at the hospital every day helping him out because he doesn't have use of his hands, so we saw her there, too. Now, apparently, Johnny has gotten it into his head that she's fair game, so he's putting the moves on her."

Johnny sauntered over to the table. "That's not quite fair, Roy. She really is different from every other girl I've dated. And I'll have you know it's a mutual attraction. No putting on moves needed." He smiled to himself and sipped his coffee.

Chet started the direct attack on Johnny. "So, what's she like?"

Roy began before Johnny could say anything. "She's a lovely girl with a great personality."

Chet looked with commiseration at Johnny. "So, not a looker, huh?"

John gave a laugh. "I think she is, what do you think, Roy?"

Roy sighed. "She's very pretty. And very nice! And that's why I'm nervous about this whole thing!"

Johnny looked at him curiously. "Why? And why are you acting like this? It's almost like you're her father or brother or something!"

"Yeah, well, you know she doesn't have any parents to look after her, and that's why she spends so much time doing stuff on the weekends."

"I know, her parents died a few years ago, and she only has one sister who is an invalid."

Roy raised his eyebrows. "I didn't know that."

Johnny saluted him with his coffee cup. "There's an awful lot you don't know."

The station bell rang, and the conversation ended as they headed off to a call. "Station 51, car fire, East Abri Street, cross street Pontine, time out 10.43" "Station 51 KMG 365"

* * *

As the fire truck and the squad pulled up in front of the house, they could see flames from the car already licking the branches of an overhanging tree and a wooden fence that separated the yard from the neighbour's house. Quite a few people were standing in front of a house across the street, and there was a loud, high pitched whistling noise coming from the car. "Sounds like those tires are gonna blow!" Captain Stanley called, "Get those people back away from here!"

There was a wall right beside the car on one side, and on the other side a wooden fence of doubtful age allowed only for the passage of one person at a time. Over the fence only a small garden separated the flaming car from the neighbour's house wall. "Pull an inch and a half!" Cap called to Marco Lopez, fireman. He grabbed Roy's arm. "Check to make sure those houses are empty, Roy, John." They were already shrugging on their turn out coats as they went to the house with the car, which looked like it might go up in flames first.

A woman, carrying an infant, came to the door just as they were banging on it. "You've gotta get out of here, ma'am!"

She didn't have any shoes on, and looked in shock at the leaping flames that were consuming her car. "My car!"

Roy just took her by the arm, and led her away toward the squad. "Please come out of the way, and let the firemen deal with it." BANG! One of the tires blew. Everyone on the street jumped and instinctively ducked down. BANG! Another tire was gone. Marco and Chet were sweeping the car, tree and the fence with the hose in rotation. Fortunately, no one was hurt, and the other tires didn't blow. Soon the flames were out, the fence was being torn down, and the burnt branches of the tree lopped off. The car was just a shell.

* * *

After a week, Mr Watson was discharged, and Jane no longer came by the hospital every day, but somehow her presence was still being felt. Dixie mentioned her to Johnny in front of Dr Mike Morton, and asked if he was still seeing her. Dr Joe Early, F.A.C.S, came up to the group just then. Mike commented to Johnny, "You mean you're dating that really nice girl who's been coming to help out that burn victim – and incidentally raised the morale of the whole floor with her stories? What does she see in you?"

Johnny began to expostulate, but Dixie came to his defence. "Johnny can be very nice himself, and I think they make a cute couple."

Johnny grinned. "Thanks, Dix. If I ever need a character reference I know where to come."

Dixie teased him, saying, "I don't know if I'd go that far," but then she winked at him.

Joe was intrigued. "That lovely young woman is dating Johnny? I'm very impressed with you, John. Don't mess it up."

"What is this? Why does everyone keep saying that I'm going to mess things up?"

Roy patted him on the shoulder. "Because we know you, Johnny." Everyone nodded sagely in agreement and walked away.

Johnny sighed, but then smiled. "It's okay. I know everything's good, and that's what counts, right?"

* * *

The following Sunday it was John's turn to cook dinner at the station. Around four thirty in the afternoon, while he and Roy were out on a run, the captain came into the kitchen with Jane. He introduced her to the other men, and Jane shook their hands, Chet commenting to her, "So, you're John's girl, huh?"

She smiled at him. "I guess I am. I just came by to bring you all some dinner, as I knew it was John's turn this evening."

Marco laughed. 'So, you've had some of his cooking then?"

Chet added, "And felt sorry for us!"

Jane shook her head. "No, actually, I did it for John. He came and helped out at the community center yesterday, and I knew he didn't have time to do any shopping. So I made you something I hope you'll like." Mike went with her to help carry the food in from her car.

While they were gone, the captain looked at Chet and Marco and whistled. "You can say that again, Cap," said Chet. "What a babe!"

"And she cooks too!" added Marco.

"Yes, well, we'll see about that, won't we," replied the captain. They asked her to stay, but she said that she had other things she needed to do, but she would come back later to pick up her dishes, if they didn't mind. No, no, they didn't mind at all. As soon as she left, they opened the dishes and peeked inside. Chicken casserole, fresh biscuits still warm from the oven, a green salad, and…warm banana bread with melting chocolate chips on top…that was it – they set the table and began to eat without waiting for Roy and Johnny.

* * *

Just after five thirty the squad returned to the station, and Johnny came into the kitchen saying, "What smells so good? I thought it was my turn to cook dinner?" The other men were all finishing large helpings of banana bread and making 'yum' sounds. The remains of the casserole and biscuits were in the center of the table. "What's all this?" exclaimed Johnny.

Roy followed him in. "Sure looks and smells great. What is it? Suddenly I'm starving."

Chet raised his face from his plate and said to John, "Johnny my man, if you don't marry that girl, I'm going to have to do it."

"What are you talking about?"

The captain wiped his mouth and patted his stomach. 'Well, now, that was a meal." He looked at Johnny. "Your girlfriend apparently felt sorry for you and made us all dinner. And can she cook!" Mike and Marco nodded their agreement.

Roy helped himself to a large spoonful of casserole and took a bite. "Hey, this is great! I've got to get the recipe for Joanne!"

John smiled and sat down; taking a plate of food that Mike had spooned out for him. "Yeah, beauty, brains, and she can cook. I've got it made."

Chet looked at him intently. "So what on earth is she doing with you, then?" John ignored him, smiled and ate his dinner.

* * *

Around seven that evening Jane came back to the station to collect her dishes. The men were all there, having washed up her things and put them into a box for her. When she came into the kitchen, they all rose and thanked her for the great meal. John came over to her and took her hands. "That was wonderful. And delicious, and very sweet of you to do. Seriously, that banana bread is dangerous."

She smiled and squeezed his hands. "I'm glad you liked it."

"I loved it." Somehow, when he said that, it came out sounding more intimate than he had intended, and this time he blushed, grinned and let go of one of her hands, but continued to hold the other one. Marco offered to bring her dishes back to her car, and she let go of John's hand to go help Marco open the trunk.

Jane came back into the kitchen and John asked her, "Did you get to see the station yet?"

When she said no, Johnny looked at the captain, who nodded, and then said, "After you," to Jane as he led her out into the rig bay. He showed her around the squad in a general way, but they both seemed a bit distracted by each other's proximity.

Suddenly they heard Chet yell from the doorway, "Would you kiss her already!" and they both laughed.

Then John put one hand on her back and said softly, "Shall we?"

"Please," she replied shyly and put a hand to his cheek. At first the kiss was tentative, soft and gentle.

Then Jane pulled his face closer and…Chet called out laughing, "Fire extinguisher needed in the bay!" They laughed too and pulled apart, hearts racing. John walked Jane out to her car, but only came back inside when Roy came out looking for him. Roy gave John a worried look. This was a bit more intense than usual, and he didn't know where it was going. He was afraid that either one of two people he cared about was going to be hurt.

* * *

"Umm, Johnny? There's this hot chick in a Corvette waiting outside for you."

"Yeah, right, Chet, that's a good one!"

"No, I'm serious, John. Jane is sitting outside in a brand new white Stingray, red leather interior, with the top open." The other guys got up from what they were doing and walked out into the parking lot with Johnny. They all wanted to see this car. Jane was sitting in the driver's seat, wearing sunglasses, and had a very smug grin.

"What in the world is this?" asked John.

Jane climbed out of the car, and leaned on the hood. "I have a guilty secret." She took off her sunglasses and winked at him. The men were touching the car and looking it over…and under. Marco asked if he could sit in it, and she made a 'Be my guest' motion with her hand.

"Where did you get this?" Roy asked.

"I've been doing this for a few years. It's my therapy."

Chet gave a short laugh, "I could do therapy like this!"

"What do you mean, Jane?" asked Captain Stanley.

She shrugged her shoulders. "When things get a little stressful and I want to unwind, I go over to a dealer and ask to take a car for a test drive. Whatever car I like."

"And they let you? Just like that?"

"You have to know how to do it," she said. "I have certain clothes that I wear – classy stuff; I drop names of some of my dad's friends from the university; I scatter a little French here and there, and – voila!" She waved at the car.

"Sweet!" said Marco.

"What kind of a ride is it?" asked Mike.

"Very sweet," said Jane. "Purrs like a kitten. It'll do 100 miles an hour like nothing – and still hugs the curves at 50!"

Roy blinked at her. "And you know this because?" She grinned mischievously and pushed her sunglasses back onto her face. She looked at Johnny. "I was thinking it might be a fun date for tomorrow when you're off." He nodded, impressed.

"Can I come too?" asked Marco, holding on to the leather covered steering wheel.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

It seemed to Roy that every shift with John now included an information session about Jane. "Did you know that she lived in France for a year? Her father was a college professor and took the family over there when she was a teenager and he was doing some research or something. That's part of the reason why she's such a good cook.

"Did you know that her parents died when she started university? They were in a car accident, but her father didn't die right away and she spent all her time at the hospital and that's how she knows so much about burns and first aid and all that. Her sister was injured in the crash too, and has to live in a nursing home. Her back was broken and Jane can't take care of her. Jane's the older one and she feels a lot of responsibility for taking care of others. It's also why she went into teaching – after spending so much time in hospitals with people she loved, she didn't think she could face doing it as a career. Her sister's care is paid for out of the insurance and she got her parents' house which she mortgaged to finish paying for her university degree.

"She has some family up north, but she doesn't see them very often. There seems to be some issues because she is the only one who wasn't seriously hurt or killed in the accident.

"She doesn't keep in touch with the people she went to school with – I don't know why yet, but I'll find out."

Roy looked at him, and there was compassion in his gaze. "Johnny, you seem very wrapped up in Jane. She's really all you talk about now. Do you have any idea where all this may be going?"

Johnny looked back at him with some surprise. "Going? What are you talking about?"

Roy sighed. "I've been your partner for years now, and I think I know you a little bit. I've never seen you so intense about a relationship. I just wonder what you see for your future. All this information you've been telling me about Jane – I don't want her to get hurt – and I don't want you to mess up your life either."

John turned to face him as fully as he could in the squad. "What are you suggesting? That I'm messing up my life by dating Jane? That I'm going to hurt her? I don't understand you, Roy!"

Roy shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know if I can explain it myself. It's just – well – in any other relationship that looked like this I'd be wondering when the wedding was going to be. But I honestly don't know if you're that kind of a guy."

Johnny sat back in his seat, and grunted. "Well, I really don't know what to say. I don't know what to say." And he didn't say anything the rest of the trip. Neither did Roy, although he did steal sideways glances at John now and then.

The following call was a challenging one. There had been an eight car pile up on the freeway, and several fire stations were called out to help deal with the wreckage and injuries. A car with tourists had rolled into a ditch beside the highway, trapping the occupants inside. Due to the angle of the car and the way it was crushed, it was going to take a while to access them, so they didn't know how many victims or what injuries they should be anticipating. And no one understood what the man pinned in the driver's seat was screaming over and over. Marco recognized it first: "He's speaking French!"

Captain Stanley looked at John. "Doesn't your girlfriend speak French? Do you think we could get her to come and help us out here?"

John said, "Right away, Cap," and ran over to the policeman blocking traffic and told him how to contact Jane, and to have a police car bring her to the site a s a p. She was there within ten minutes, just as they opened the driver's door and pulled the poor man out of the wreckage. He was sobbing and crying in French.

Jane went directly to the man and touched his shoulder lightly. "Doucement, doucement, monsieur. Les pompiers vont vous aider." (Gently, gently, sir. The firemen will help you.)

He grabbed her arm frantically: "Mon petit fils! Il était jeté de la voiture!"

She turned to Roy who was working on stopping bleeding from the man's leg. "He says that his grandson was thrown from the car."

The captain yelled for Chet and Marco and told them to go look for the boy. "How old is he? What's his name?"

Jane asked the man, and then told them, "He's six and his name is Jacques." She told the man that the firemen were going to look for the boy right away, but now he started sobbing and saying something else she couldn't catch. "Monsieur, monsieur, s'il vous plaît, aidez-nous à vous aider. Dites qu'est-ce que vous avez besoin, mais plus lentement." (Sir, sir, please help us to help you. Tell us what you need, but more slowly.)

The man paused in his lamentations and took a shuddering breath. "Ma fille. Elle était dessous moi après l'accident, mais je crois qu'elle est morte. La mere de Jacques." (My daughter. She was beneath me after the accident, but I believe she is dead. The mother of Jacques). Jane relayed this to Roy, who called to the captain. The captain had good news – they were ready to extricate the woman, and she was alive, though badly injured. Roy called for Johnny to come back and take care of the man while he helped with the boy's mother. Policemen and other firefighters were helping Chet and Marco look for the boy, calling out his name as they searched the fields on the side of the roadway. Jane asked John if he thought she should go help look for the child. Somehow the injured man understood, and told Jane in French that he wanted her to go, and to bring the boy to him, even if he was dead. Jane nodded and went into the field.

Just then Chet called out, "I've found him! He's alive!" Jane ran over and saw that miraculously, the youngster was conscious. He began crying and Jane comforted him in French.

A policeman had been conferring with Captain Stanley and both of them came up to Jane. The policeman spoke to her. "Do you think you could go to the hospital with these people, Miss? They'll need someone to translate and communicate with them there, and I don't know where we'll find someone else."

Jane said, "Of course," and went toward the police car she had arrived in, but Roy came over and asked the captain if she could ride in the ambulance with him, the grandfather and the child, so she could help calm them and explain things for him. The woman was still unconscious and likely to need surgery as soon as possible. She was in a separate ambulance with Johnny, already en route to the hospital. Chet would drive the squad. The captain agreed, and Jane climbed into the ambulance to sit beside Roy.

At first she was very busy translating for Roy to the victims what was happening and what they could expect at the hospital. She noticed that he was very cautious and avoided any direct answers regarding the child's mother. Soon the medication for pain began to take effect and the two victims became quiet, although still conscious. Roy looked at Jane. "So were you at work when we called?"

"Yes, but the policeman explained the situation to my principal who said he'd get someone to come in and be with my class. It's afternoon, so it was really quiet time for the children, and then story time and free play, so I'm not worried."

"It was very good of you to come. We really appreciate your help."

"I can't say it's my pleasure, but I am glad for their sakes that I was able to do it." She looked at Roy directly and said, "I don't get much of a chance to talk to you, do I?"

He gave a laugh and said, "No."

"May I ask you a question? It's about John."

Roy looked at her warily. "I guess so."

"I know there have been a lot of women in his life. He's been very honest with me about that – besides, I would have had to have been blind and deaf not to realize he had gone out with most of the nurses at the hospital!"

Roy grinned. "Not most."

"Okay. But I would like to ask…oh, this is difficult, because it's different for me. I've only ever had one other serious boyfriend – in fact we were engaged – but things didn't work out, obviously, and…" she paused, trying to collect her thoughts.

Roy leaned towards her. "You wonder if he's ever been as serious with someone else as he is with you?"

She sighed. "Yes. I guess it's silly, and it shouldn't matter, but somehow it does. I was hurt so badly before…I just don't know…"

Roy patted her arm. "As far as I know, he's never been like this before. But honestly, I don't know what that means, so just…be careful."

"With my heart?"

"Yeah."

She gave him a rueful grin. "I'm afraid it's too late for that – at least for me." They had arrived at the hospital. Jane spoke to the boy and his grandfather, and told them she would stay with them while the doctors treated them, as much as she was allowed. The doors opened and they went inside.

Dixie was pleased to see Jane again and welcomed her into the treatment room so she could translate for the victims. All the doctors and nurses seemed to know who she was and, it seemed, her relationship with Johnny. The grandfather had calmed down and now seemed fatalistic about his daughter, but relieved about his grandson. The boy wanted to see his mother, but was content to stay with Jane as she explained what was happening to his mother and what the doctors were planning to do. The mother was whisked off to surgery – it would be a while before they would know what her prognosis would be. Jane went with Dixie to the coffee shop – it had been a long, eventful afternoon and they had both missed supper.

Dixie brought Jane a cup of tea, because she didn't want coffee as she was afraid she wouldn't be able to sleep that night. Dixie looked at her curiously and Jane sighed. "It took a bit more out of me that I would have thought, doing this. I guess I've got some ghosts I need to deal with."

"Do you want to tell me about it?"

"It's just that – all this – being in the hospital emergency, riding in the ambulance, dealing with severely hurt people and having to think, think all the time –it feels just like it did when my parents died in the car accident and my sister became crippled….I feel like my parents are right around the corner, watching me, and…' She couldn't continue, but choked back a sob as tears started to fall down her cheeks. "I'm really sorry, you do this all the time, every day, and here I am crying like a child."

Dixie reached out and patted her hand. "I do this every day, but I have my bad days too. And I don't have the trauma of remembering people I love in the same situation. Have you ever talked about this with anyone?"

Jane shook her head. "After the accident there was so much to do – Mom's funeral, Dad's and Sue's care, dealing with insurance agents and family members who didn't understand, trying to just keep going from day to day…I did have a friend, well, someone I thought was a good friend, and he took care of some things for me, but…" she wiped her eyes and sat up straighter. "I did talk a little bit about it with John – he's aware of the bare bones – I could tell it upset him, though, so I didn't go into details." Dixie looked at her with compassion. "Please don't look at me like that – I'll start crying again!"

Dixie said softly, "Would that be a bad thing?"

Jane sighed. "I don't know. I want to lean on John, but I know what his work is like, what he deals with all the time. I don't want to be part of the things that might bring him down."

Dixie looked at her intently. "You really love him, don't you? You're not just attracted to him, you love him."

"Am I that transparent? I tell you Dixie, I have never been so scared in all my life – even when I thought I was going to die, even when I knew that my family was dying, even when…" She stopped. "I thought love was supposed to make you feel wonderful – and most of the time it does, but when I think about losing him…"

Dixie was dismayed. "Being the wife of a fireman means that you would always be thinking about losing him."

"His wife…I won't let myself go there. I don't know. If I were his wife, if something happened he would still be mine – I don't believe that this life is all there is, that would be too cruel. But if he can't love me enough for me to become his wife – it's the scariest thing I can think of right now."

Dr Morton came into the coffee shop, looking for Dixie. She got up to leave, but looked back at the young woman sitting at the table and wondered what was going to happen to her.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

The hospital found someone from the university who could be a translator for the French family at Dixie's insistence, because she didn't want Jane to have to deal with the accident victims. Despite Dixie's intervention, Jane dropped by the hospital to see the family on a regular basis, and was very helpful for the little boy in dealing with his mother's long recovery. The grandfather and Jacques were soon discharged and staying in a motel nearby.

Since Jane had been there when the boy was found, a bond had been created, and somehow the grandfather seemed to feel that Jane was responsible for saving the boy's life, whatever else she told him. Jane was happy to translate for the family when she was there, and even began teaching them some rudimentary English phrases so they could function more independently with hospital personnel. It took a while, but finally the mother was able to communicate with her son and father, and she relied on Jane to help her as well.

Dixie thought a lot about her coffee shop conversation with Jane over the next few weeks. When she saw Roy and John she watched carefully to see if she could see any signs that John was feeling about Jane the way she felt about him. But she would not ask any leading questions. Let it happen naturally, if it was going to happen.

Dixie decided to throw one of her famous parties for no particular reason other than she loved having them. She invited her favorite paramedics as well as her friends from Rampart. 'The more, the merrier' was her creed, so she had no problem with people showing up with dates or friends she didn't know well. When John asked Jane if she'd like to go, she was thrilled and nervous that she would be meeting his colleagues socially.

It was a typical Dixie party – lots of music, dancing, laughter and stimulating conversation. Jane didn't really know anyone well other than Johnny, the DeSotos and Dixie, so she tried to stay close to Johnny, but he was all over the room, chatting with everyone. She decided to help out in the kitchen instead of trying to keep up with him. Dixie left her in charge of reloading trays of hors d'œuvres, and she went happily to work.

A man Jane didn't recognize came into the kitchen, looking for another drink. He started chatting her up, and she answered amicably but cautiously, recognizing that he was in an extroverted state of inebriation. Still, she was totally taken aback when he suddenly pinned her against the wall and said, "You're a beautiful woman, y'know," and tried to stroke her hair.

Mike Morton was in the doorway watching with detached interest, but walked over when he saw Jane's reaction to the man's overtures. "Hey Jane, how's it going?" Jane turned toward him with relief, and started to chat nervously. "Oh, hi, Dr Morton. What a lovely home Dixie has! Have you been here before? This is my first time. Did you see Johnny in the other room? I came with him."

Mike replied, "Jane, this is a party. You can call me Mike." He turned to the other man and said, "Hey, I think someone was looking for you in the other room." As soon as he left, Jane thanked Mike gratefully.

Morton, never known for his social astuteness, then asked Jane, "What did you do to bring that on?" Jane was surprised and hurt that he would suggest she had invited the unknown man's advances and looked at him with confusion. "Maybe you should be more careful," Mike continued, leaving Jane speechless. When she regained her voice, she excused herself and left the kitchen.

Jane was devastated by what happened, and especially by what Mike Morton had said. She wondered what it was that she did to cause some men to think about her as if she was inviting their unwanted advances. She wanted to leave the party, and wondered how to tell Johnny. She didn't think she could handle his bouncy insouciance right now, and this was a puzzle that needed solving as soon as possible so that she could make sure it never happened again.

John wandered into the kitchen to get Jane and bring her back into the party, but when he couldn't see her, he went to find Dixie. "Hey, Dix, have you seen Jane? Do you know where she is?"

"I'm sorry, Johnny, I haven't. I thought you were with her."

John blustered his way through some excuse. "Oh, ah, yeah, we just missed, um, you know, I was, uh..." Dixie smiled at him, looked around and then pointed to where Jane sat on a chair by the door, oblivious to what was going on around her because she was thinking so hard. Was it men in general? Was it her? Was it her clothes or something she had said? What did Johnny really think about her? She looked up, and there he was, standing over her. With a sheepish look, he asked her if he could drive her home and she nodded.

When she got into his car, he tried to get her to talk, but she shook her head and was silent on the way back to her place and just looked out the window, pondering. As they turned a corner, she saw a woman step out into the street just as a city bus came around the corner. She called out "John!" as Thunk! the woman smashed into the front of the bus and fell onto the road. The driver slammed on his breaks - but it was too late to stop and in an instant she lay under the bus near the passenger side wheel. Johnny parked his car immediately, deliberately blocking the road, and they ran to see what they could do to help.

Johnny took direct control of the situation, checking for the woman's vital signs, and asking someone to call for help. A teenager, running out of the restaurant with the manager, said, "Paramedics are on the way," and even though Johnny knew that by the time the squad would arrive there would be nothing to be done due to the extent of the woman's injuries, he kept giving the woman CPR. He wanted to shield Jane, but this unknown women needed immediate aid, so he asked her if she could do rescue breathing until the squad arrived, while he worked to try and get the woman's heart beating. Perverse twists of fate, that had him on his night off on the side of a road with a dying stranger, kneeling in the dirt with the woman he was dating...or maybe not dating, since she didn't really seem to want to be with him tonight.

Within minutes the paramedics took over from Johnny, and the police arrived. Jane told them what she had seen, how the woman had stepped directly in front of the bus and there was nothing the driver could have done to avoid the accident. In addition to the woman, the bus driver was taken to the hospital for shock. No one else was injured.

While the police continued to get witness statements from the bus passengers, Johnny asked if he could take Jane home, and they gave him the okay. When they got to her house, he told her unequivocally, "I'm going to come in and make you a hot drink. You really need it," and Jane didn't argue with him. While making her some tea, he talked about the accident, hoping to normalize it for her by explaining what would happen with the woman who died and with the bus driver. She didn't respond, except to say, "Thanks for letting me know." After making sure that she finished her drink, he kissed her good night, but instead of her usual warm response to his touch, she passively accepted the kiss without returning it. When he asked if he would see her soon, she just nodded, and said, "I appreciate all you've done. Thanks again."

Johnny climbed into his Land Rover, and when her front door was closed, he hit the steering wheel with the heel of his hand. "Argh! Why do I always blow it?" When he got home, he debated with himself for a few minutes while pacing around his living room, but then called Roy on the phone. "I know it's prob'ly too late, but can you talk?"

"You and Jane have a fight or somethin'?"

John replied, "I don't think so." He paused, unsure of himself. "I'd know if we had, wouldn't I? I just don't get it." He explained to Roy what had happened since he left Dixie's house. "I can see her being upset about the accident, but what caused her to shut down in the first place?"

"Maybe Dixie knows something – but don't call her tonight. Try and talk to her tomorrow when we're at the hospital."

"I guess so. I just can't figure out women. Man, Roy why d'they have to make everything so...complicated?"

Roy agreed, "Yeah, I know. But I know _my_ wife, and I'd better get off this phone right now, or I'm gonna be in the dog house. Anyway, I'll see you in a few hours, Johnny. Don't think too much about it. I'm sure you'll find out what's going on soon enough. Better get some sleep."

"Yeah. Thanks. Sorry 'bout bugging you so late. And, uh, say sorry to Joanne for me."

"Will do. G'night Johnny."

It was Dr Morton who blurted out what they had all been wondering. While John and Roy were getting supplies after a run, and Dixie was marking things off on her chart, Mike came up to Johnny and asked point blank, "So what are you going to do with that amazing girlfriend of yours? Don't you think that you should ask her to marry you already? You know, if you're not, there are other people who would be interested in her if they knew she was available."

Johnny looked at him in shock. "You mean, like you for instance?"

"No, I don't mean that. But there are other fish in the sea and they are starting to circle."

Dixie looked up at his mixed metaphor. "You mean sharks. Sharks circle."

Johnny became defensive. "Yeah, sharks!"

Dr Early came up to the desk. "What's this about sharks? Someone's going fishing?"

Johnny picked up his supplies. "Ask Dr Morton!" He stomped off towards the squad.

Roy sighed and looked at Dixie. She stood up and walked with him down the hallway. "Roy, is Johnny thinking about making this into a more permanent relationship? Do you know?"

"No, not really. I do know I've never seen him this involved with someone before, and I think he might care for her more than he has admitted to himself, but I can't say more than that. Why do you ask?"

"Because we care about John, and we have come to care about Jane. I really, really, like Jane – she would make him a wonderful wife, and I know she loves him very much."

Roy was surprised. "Did she tell you that?"

Dixie nodded. "She also told me that the scariest thing in her life right now would be to lose him."

Roy whistled. "That's really serious."

Dixie nodded again. "And now you know, too."

Roy touched Dixie's arm. "Thanks for letting me know, although I don't know what I can do with the information."

"See you, Roy."

On their next run to the hospital, Johnny took some time to talk to Dixie about her party. "Say, Dix, d'you know anything about what happened with Jane at your place? She say anything to you?"

"Not a word, Johnny." She thought for a moment, looking in her memories of the previous evening for anything that might give them a clue. "Sorry, I honestly have no idea about anything that might have upset Jane."

Dr Morton came up to her desk to get a chart just then, and caught the last sentence she said. "Are you referring to your party, Dixie?" he asked.

Both Johnny and Dixie turned to stare at him. "Do you know something about Jane, Mike?" Dixie asked.

"Well, yeah, I guess I do. I mean, I was there when Robinson put the moves on her in the kitchen."

"He did what?" exclaimed Johnny.

"He had her pinned up against the counter and was coming on pretty strong, I thought. 'Course he was fairly inebriated at the time."

Johnny and Dixie just gaped at him and then looked at each other. "That would explain a lot, Mike," said Dixie.

Roy arrived from his errand, and told John they had to leave. Johnny shook his head. "No, no, no. One more second, Roy. What did Jane do, Mike? I gotta know."

Mike shrugged. "I talked to her, and then she left."

Johnny's voice boded no good when he asked, "Where is Robinson?" but Dixie just shook her head at him. "Just let it go, Johnny."

"So that's why you talked about fish circling!"

"Yeah, but Dixie's right - I did mean sharks."

Johnny's eyes narrowed and he nodded at Dr Morton. "Sharks." He nodded again. "Circling."

Roy shook his head, rolled his eyes, and grabbed Johnny's arm. "Squad. Leaving. Now."

Roy closed the door to the squad. John looked over at him. "Listen, Roy…" he began, but then stopped.

Roy glanced at him quickly and pulled out of the parking lot. "Yeah?"

Johnny didn't continue for a minute. Roy waited, though; he knew Johnny well enough that something would be forthcoming. "Roy, what Morton said back there…" he trailed off again. Roy made some noncommittal noise in his throat. John sat looking out the window for a minute or two.

"Roy, does Joanne ever talk to you about how she feels about being a fireman's wife?"

"We have talked about it, sometimes. Usually when someone we know, you know…"

"Yeah. And what does she say? What does she think about the whole situation?"

"What situation are you talking about?"

"You know, the dangerousness of our job."

"She knows it's part of who I am, and she loves me, so although she doesn't love my job, she probably is terrified of it actually, she wouldn't want me to do anything else, because then I wouldn't be me, I guess. It's complicated."

"Yeah, complicated." John stared out the window, but Roy thought he probably wasn't seeing anything except what was in his own head.

On their next shift together, Roy was curious about the aftermath of the incident at the party and the conversation with Morton.

"Um, Johnny?"

"Yeah?"

"Things okay with you and Jane?"

"Huh? Yeah, sure, everything's fine. Real peachy. Why do you ask?"

Roy sat in the squad in stunned silence. Why do I ask? He shot his partner a look. Is he serious? After all that drama the other day, it was like the whole thing never happened. He decided to let it go. "No reason, Junior. Glad to hear it."

It was another weekend shift, and a busy Saturday morning, with one call after another. By ten am no one in the station had even had breakfast and they were tired and hungry as they came back from a brush fire down in the canyon. It hadn't been a big one and they had gotten it under control fairly easily, but they were all hot, thirsty, and ready for some real food when the rig and the squad pulled into the station. As usual, Johnny was the first one into the kitchen. He was heading for the coffee pot, when he saw Jane standing at the stove. "What's this?" he asked and put his arms around her waist from behind.

"Breakfast for my men," she answered. "I called the station, because I had this wonderful idea, and even though I got no answer I decided to be bold and make myself at home." She turned to look at him. "I hope you don't mind?"

He laughed and hugged her. "Mind? This is definitely an improvement to my day!"

Roy came into the kitchen. "Hey, no hugging on these premises!"

Jane turned around fully and smiled at him. "Just this once? Special dispensation? I've made you French crepes for breakfast. Does that help?"

Chet followed Roy into the kitchen. "French crepes? Are you kidding? Wow. Now that's breakfast!" The other men came into the room and Jane had them sit at the table. It was obvious she had been cooking for a while because she laid a large platter of crepes in the middle of the table. But when Johnny reached to take one, she scolded him. "Ah, ah! Not yet! I have to explain something to you first."

Chet muttered, "Make it quick! I can't last too long!" and Jane smiled at him.

"Here's how you eat them in Paris. You take some chocolate hazelnut spread and you put it in the center, then you add some sliced bananas on top of that, and then you put on a mound of whipped cream! Or you can sprinkle them with icing sugar on top if you prefer." While she was talking she made one in front of John, and then cut it to give him a bite. One look at his face and they were all digging into the crepes, chocolate, bananas and whipped cream as if they were in a race, with Jane laughing at them all.

After the meal was cleaned up, John sat beside Jane on the couch and put his arm around her. "Why are you so good to me? To us?" He waved his hand to include the rest of the station.

She snuggled into his shoulder. "Because you deserve it." She raised her head and called out at large. "You all deserve it." She continued in a quiet voice that John could barely hear, "And you are my family." She looked into John's eyes and smiled, but he thought he could see tears in hers. She blinked and got up. "I'd better get going. You have your job, and I have my responsibilities too. The Community Center, here I come!" She blew kisses to them all and was gone.

As usual, it was Chet who asked John what his plans were for Jane. "What is this?" he complained. "Why is everyone so concerned about my love life all of a sudden?"

Captain Stanley put his hand on Johnny's shoulder. "This actually isn't about you, John. It's about Jane. We all can see that she cares for you very much..."

"Though we haven't got a clue why!" interrupted Chet.

The captain continued, "…and we care about her. She is a wonderful girl, and she obviously makes you very happy. I guess it's natural to think that this might be heading somewhere more, you know, permanent…"

"Like marriage!" interrupted Marco.

"…So, that's why we're asking. That's all." The captain put his face close to John's and added quietly, "Though if you aren't interested in marriage with Jane and you are thinking of letting her go, I don't have a high opinion of your choice." John was shocked. He didn't know what to say. He looked around at the men in the room – people he'd risked his life for, over and over. He looked at his partner, Roy. They all looked back at him. He turned and walked out of the room without another word or look. Captain Stanley sighed.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

It happened so quickly. But then these things always do. If you could predict it, you would avoid it – the flames leaping, the smoke choking, the beam crashing down, falling into oblivion...They pulled him out quickly, and an ambulance was called. Roy worked feverishly to check his breathing, check his heart, his neck, his back …but John was unaware of anything. The ambulance pulled into Rampart General and the trauma team was waiting at the door, rushing him into the treatment room. Consciousness returned, but it hurt and it was fuzzy…it left again.

In the waiting room, the men of Station 51 stood around. Dr Brackett came to see them. "He'll be fine. He has a pretty bad concussion and a couple of cracked ribs, so he'll be out of commission for a while, but we expect him to make a full recovery. We'll be monitoring him here over night, and then most likely send him up to a room by morning." He touched Roy's shoulder. "He made it through again."

"Yeah, I know. He keeps bouncing back."

Captain Stanley and the others thanked Brackett and turned to leave, but Roy asked if he could see Johnny before he went back to the station.

The captain said, "Take your time," and Dr Brackett led Roy to the treatment room. John's head was bandaged, and so were his ribs. He tried to give Roy a grin as he came toward the bed, but then winced. "Ouch," he said in a thin voice. "I guess I shouldn't do that yet."

"Maybe not," replied Roy, and pulled Dixie aside. "I have a question for you."

"Jane?" she asked.

"Yeah. What do you think?"

"I think yes."

"Okay, I'll do that now, if you think I should."

"I definitely think you should do that now." She smiled. "He really is okay, you know."

"I know. But you never get used to it."

"I know."

When John came into consciousness again, this time after a restless sleep, there was a face beside his as he opened his eyes. "There's an angel in here. How did that happen?" he said with a slightly hoarse voice.

Jane smiled at him and kissed his cheek, then looked worried. "Should I have done that? Did it hurt you?"

John reassured her. "You definitely should have done that and it didn't hurt a bit. In fact, it's the best thing for my recovery – right Doc?"

Dr Early smiled and told Jane, "It's probably the best prescription I could give him." She smiled back at him in relief, and Dixie grinned at her reaction.

Johnny became serious and reached out for her hand. "This is what it's like, you know. Things happen. Any time, it could happen."

She brought his hand to her cheek and then kissed his palm. "I know. Perhaps I know better than most, because I lost my parents in an instant. I mean, my dad didn't die immediately, but…" John just looked at her gravely. She continued, "I decided a while ago that I will take whatever time I have with those I love, and love them the best I can, for as long as I can…and I have to believe in forever. This doesn't – it can't – just disappear. It has to last. So, yes, I know things happen. But I want to be there if and when they happen and every moment that I can before and after." Tears came into her eyes, but she smiled anyway. "I love you John, and I can't change that, any more than you can stop being a fireman and a paramedic. But I wouldn't change any of it."

He looked into her eyes for a long moment. "Then," he said, "would you do me the honor of being my wife?" She closed her eyes, and Dr Early and Dixie held their breaths.

"Yes," she replied. "I would be honored to be your wife." Then Dixie grabbed Joe and started whooping and dancing around the treatment room, and Dr Early was laughing, and the commotion caused Dr Brackett and Roy to come into the room from the hallway, and Dixie was singing, "We're going to have a wedding, we're going to have a wedding.." and they were all laughing, and John laughed and winced, and then everyone was shooed out of the room except Dr Early and Jane.

"Well," said Dr Early, "as proposals go, that was one for the books!"

Jane came to the hospital the next morning and sat with John as he was waiting for the tests Dr Brackett had ordered. Dixie saw her there, and smiled and winked at them both. Jane looked at John, who gave her a gentle push with his hand toward Dixie. Jane jumped up and danced over to her. "Dixie, do you have a minute?"

"I do right now. What's up?"

"John and I have been talking, you know, making plans…"

Dixie smiled broadly. "I guess you have!"

"I wanted to ask you something. You know I don't have family who can participate in our wedding, and I don't have any really close female friends, well, besides you…" Dixie started to bounce a little on her toes, anticipating the question Jane wanted to ask her. "I wonder if you would be my maid of honor, my attendant at our wedding."

"Yes!" squeaked Dixie, "I'd love to! Whoopee!"

Jane laughed and John told her, "You not only made her day, you probably made her year!"

Dixie stopped bouncing and looked sternly at the couple. "When? You know what our work schedules are like. It had better be when I've got time off, because if you are just going to run off to a justice of the peace some afternoon, I will be very angry with you for cheating us all!"

Jane reassured her, "No, no, we're going to do this right, and we will make sure everyone can be there." She looked at John with such tenderness that Dixie felt ashamed for her outburst.

Johnny said, "Dix, do you honestly think that after the close shave I just had I would risk my life again by not making sure everything was going to be just the way you want it?"

Dixie laughed and shook her finger at him. "Just make sure you keep it that way!" and she went off to do some work, still with a hint of a bounce to her step.

Although he was still on sick leave, John and Jane dropped by the station on a day when they knew the others would be working. "Roy, will you be my best man?"

Roy grinned and shook Johnny's hand. "I would be proud to do that."

"Cap, Jane wants to know what everyone's schedules are like for the next couple of months, so we can coordinate with Rampart when everyone would be available for the wedding."

"I'll get that for you right away, John."

"So are you going to wear a monkey suit, Johnny boy?"

"No, Chet, I'll leave that for you."

"I mean a tux, you twit."

Jane laughed.

Finally a day when everyone's schedules were clear was found and set apart with red marker on everyone's calendars. Jane had made her own dress, mostly because she didn't like the overdone style of the puffs and flounces and lace upon lace that she and Dixie found in every bridal store. Instead she wore a simple fitted dress of white satin with a gauze overskirt and with a bit of a train, a wide, slightly scooped neckline that just covered her shoulders. She carried a bouquet of white wildflowers and white roses, and had small white flowers in her hair, set in long, loose waves. The only other colors were her red hair, rosy lips, blue eyes, and the green of the flower stems and leaves. John wore a dark navy suit, with a blue tie that matched Jane's eyes, and a white rose on his lapel. Dixie wore a pale pink satin dress and carried a bouquet of pink wildflowers and roses. Roy's daughter was the flower girl, his son the ring bearer, and he was so proud of his children he thought he felt his heart actually growing bigger.

John and Jane were married by a minister who worked at the community center and had watched their courtship. Surrounded by their friends and loved-ones, standing in a garden overlooking the ocean at sunset, the sound of waves breaking in the background, John and Jane were pronounced husband and wife.

The reception had a real family atmosphere, with young children, old grandparent types, teachers, firemen, paramedics, hospital personnel, community center personnel and their families. John and Jane swayed to their first dance, kissed when demanded to, laughed and joked and hugged those who had come to celebrate with them.

Johnny spent some time sitting beside Jane's sister Sue, talking to her about their new relationship. They had met once before, when Jane had driven with him several hours out to the nursing home where her sister lived, to introduce him as her fiancé. It was wonderful for Jane to see how naturally Johnny acted with her sister, how he never tried to rush her halting speech or finish her sentences, how he didn't avert his eyes from her wheelchair, or pretend that she didn't have disabilities…she loved him so much for so many reasons, but the thing that stood out for her that day was his kindness. He was the kindest person she had ever known.

Today, as she watched him from across the room while he took time to speak with her sister and help her feel like she belonged at this party, those feelings of love and gratitude for her blessings overcame her. He was her husband, till death would part them…and if she had her say, not even then.

Dixie came up to her while she was standing by herself, looking out at the gathering darkness, and put her arm around Jane's shoulders. "Are you having a good time?" she asked.

Jane turned to face her and sighed happily, then gave her a hug back. "Yes, I am. I just wish my mother and father could have been here with us…" Dixie didn't answer but just squeezed Jane a little closer. Dr Brackett was dancing up a storm with some of Jane's college friends who had been asked to the wedding. They were all agog at Jane's new life, and wanted to be introduced to all of the single men in the room, who didn't mind at all.

Roy took Johnny aside and asked, "Any plans for a honeymoon?"

Johnny grinned. "Yeah, we're going camping."

"Camping? What kind of honeymoon is that?"

"Our kind," he replied. "Actually, we're going up north to see some of Jane's relatives who didn't make it to the wedding, and take in some parks and trails at the same time."

Roy shook his head. "Only you, Johnny, only you…"

It was three weeks later when Johnny arrived at the station for his regular shift, bounding into the locker room, whistling. Roy was getting changed. "So, I take it the honeymoon was a success?"

"It was great! We had a fantastic time." Johnny started to change his clothes as he talked. "You know, Roy, if I had had any idea that being married was this easy and wonderful…" he shook his head.

Roy finished his sentence: "…you would have done it years ago."

"No, no, you misunderstand me. If I had done it years ago, I wouldn't have met Jane. No, I don't regret waiting at all." He looked at Roy. "Are you and Joanne happy?" Roy raised his eyebrows at him. "I don't mean that." Johnny sat down on the bench and looked at Roy. "I guess I mean…"

Roy smiled. "You mean, does it last?"

Johnny looked relieved. "Yeah, that's what I mean."

Chet came in to the room. "Does what last?"

"Mind your own business!" both John and Roy chorused together and then laughed at Chet's expression.


	6. Chapter 6

6

So life settled into a new routine. Jane worked at the school, Johnny at the station, when they had days off together they went to the Community Center to volunteer for a couple of hours. One morning Johnny seemed a bit preoccupied. Roy waited for a couple of hours and then asked while they were driving back from a canceled run, "Are you okay? Anything you'd like to talk about?"

Johnny looked over at him. "Hmm? Oh, just a little worried I guess. Jane wasn't feeling well this morning and didn't go into work. Looks like she has the flu. I'm going to give her a call at lunch and see how she's doing." Roy started and then glanced at his partner. Did he really think she had the flu?

When Johnny called home at lunch, his conversation wasn't very long, and his worried look deepened. Roy asked him in an aside, "Everything okay?"

John sighed. "Probably it's nothing. It's just that she hasn't stopped throwing up and she sounds terrible." He looked at Roy. "Do you think I should tell her to go to Rampart?" Roy patted John's shoulder. "I'd give it a couple of days and then see."

"Yeah, I guess you're right."

Roy laughed. "You're just not used to having to worry about someone other than yourself. Welcome to the ranks!"

John gave a short laugh. "Yeah, thanks."

* * *

It was almost a week later, and Roy asked Johnny how Jane was feeling. "No change, and she's starting to lose weight."

"Have you taken her in to Rampart yet?"

"No, I was going to see about her going in today. Maybe one of her friends could take her…"

Right away Roy reached for the phone. "I'll call Joanne and see if she's available to drive her in. The kids are in school, so…" He started dialing. After he hung up he told Johnny that Joanne would be over to pick up Jane in about half an hour.

Johnny nodded and said, "Thanks."

Roy felt sorry for his partner. "Johnny, she's going to be fine. Don't worry." Johnny looked at him as if he was speaking Swahili.

* * *

On their next run, they met Joanne and Jane in the waiting room of the hospital. Jane looked terrible, with no color in her cheeks and a little basin in her lap. She had lost weight, it was easy to see. Roy had second thoughts; perhaps this was something else. For the first time, he became worried like Johnny, and wondered if he had done them a disservice by telling them to wait to get it checked out.

Dr Early came to talk to Jane. He looked at Roy and Johnny. "Do you gentlemen have to be somewhere, or are you able to hang around?" Roy called in that they were available at the hospital. Jane and John walked to the treatment room with Dr Early, because she asked if he could be there. He asked her a number of questions and then ordered some blood tests. Then he asked her if she was working.

Jane shook her head. "I can't – I haven't been in for the whole week. I'm just so sick all the time."

Dr Early put his hand on her shoulder. "It won't be long until we have some answers. I wouldn't worry too much." John snorted in the corner of the room. Dr Early glanced at him. "I do know what I'm talking about, you know," he said and Johnny looked abashed. Dr Early said, "I'll be back soon," and left. Dixie sent them out into the waiting area, and they sat down with Roy and Joanne to wait.

It was about fifteen minutes later when Dixie returned with a chart. She was grinning as she handed it to Dr Early, who had followed her over to where the two couples were sitting. "Just as I thought."

Johnny jumped in, "Is she okay? Is she going to be all right?"

Dr Early laughed and said, "She's going to be fine, in about 6 months."

"Six months?"

Jane understood right away. "That means on our honeymoon…"

Dr Early grinned. "It often happens that way, you'd be surprised." Roy hit Johnny on the back and Joanne laughed. John just stood there in shock. Dr Early went to shake Johnny's hand. "Congratulations! You're going to be a daddy!"

But John had regained his voice. "Wait, wait. What about all the throwing up all the time? The weight loss? That can't be normal."

Dr Early looked at Jane. "No, it's not, but it's not that rare either."

Jane looked sternly at them all. "No medications for me! I don't care how sick I get!" With the thalidomide babies of the early sixties in their minds, no one else was inclined to go there either. Roy and John got a call, and they left the hospital, while Jane and Joanne started a very earnest conversation.

Before she left the hospital, Jane asked to see Dr Early one more time. "Dr Joe," she said, "I can tell that this pregnancy isn't going to be easy, and I was wondering…I know that you specialize in women's and children's health..." She looked down at her toes and then up at his face, nervous about what his response would be. "Would you be willing to be my doctor for this pregnancy? I would feel better if I knew I had someone I really trust looking after us." She put her hand on her belly in the instinctual way that mothers-to-be have.

Dr Joe smiled at Jane. "I'd be honored to help."

Jane sighed with relief, and then asked another question that had been bothering her. "Is it okay then that I've been bleeding a little bit all the time?"

Dr Joe took her elbow and led her back into the treatment room. "Why didn't you mention this before? I want you to tell me more."

* * *

Dr Early put Jane on bed rest and ordered her to eat whatever she could keep down. Johnny began eating second helpings at the station when he was working. Captain Stanley caught him yet again raiding the fridge after he came in from a run. "What is this, John? Are you eating for two also?"

Johnny tried to respond around the bread roll in his mouth. "I'm starvin' Cap!" He swallowed. "Jane can only keep down orange juice mixed with soda water, and she only eats chicken fried rice! I can't take it anymore!"

Marco laughed. "It's going to be some kid with those food preferences! Look out, Johnny!"

John turned to Marco and asked, "What do you mean?" and Marco began to expound on Mexican traditions about what the pregnancy said about the child to come. Johnny was fascinated.

* * *

It was one of those runs that depressed everyone. By the time the Station got to the house fire, it was fully engaged, and there wasn't much they could do but try and keep the flames from spreading to the neighboring buildings.

A man sat sobbing on the running board of the squad, his hands and face burned. "Why, why? I know she loved the cats, but why?" There was nothing that anyone could say to him. He'd lost his wife, he'd lost his home, and all his possessions.

As Johnny banged the door of the ambulance twice to let them know they could go and bring the man to the hospital, he shook his head slowly. He walked back to the squad. Being married and having a family was a whole new level of potential loss. He'd always known it, but now he really appreciated what his firemen brothers lived on a regular basis.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

Jane was seven months pregnant and she had finally started to gain some weight. Her bleeding had stopped, but it would start up again if she walked around too much. One early morning John kissed her gently as she slept and he was leaving for work. She sleepily reached up and pulled his face down for a proper kiss. He asked her if she had any plans for the day, anyone coming to visit. She said "No, and I'm just as glad. I'm feeling tired this morning, and a little weird."

"What do you mean?"

"I don't know, just a little funny. I think I'll just stay in bed and read today."

Johnny kissed her one more time. "That sounds like a good plan. I'll give you a call later when I can, so keep the phone beside the bed, okay?"

She agreed with an "umm-hmm" and was asleep again by the time he left the house.

Johnny turned to Roy in the squad and asked him a question. "Roy, do you think Joanne would mind checking in on Jane today? Just dropping by to visit?"

Roy glanced over at him. "I don't see why not. What's up?"

"It's probably nothing, but Jane felt a little 'weird' she called it this morning, and I'd just feel better if I knew someone was coming by to look in on her." Roy nodded. This pregnancy of Jane's had been nothing like what he and Joanne experienced, and he shared some of Johnny's anxiety about the situation.

Joanne would drop by around noon and see if Jane needed anything; maybe stay and have a bit of lunch with her. Johnny sighed with relief. He just couldn't shake his disquiet today, despite Roy's reassurances.

It was a few minutes past noon and they were just leaving the hospital parking lot after a run when they heard the call come over the air: "Squad 43, woman hemorrhaging, 493 Summer Lane, cross street St Charles, time out 12.06." Roy abruptly stopped the squad and John and Roy looked at each other in shock. Johnny gasped, "My house – my house! Jane!"

Roy grabbed him firmly by the shoulders. "Stop. Think. We'll go back in the hospital and wait there. I'm turning around. You call us in."

Dixie was at the center and Dr Early was being paged as they came back into the emergency ward. She wasn't surprised to see Roy and Johnny practically running to the center.

Dr Brackett saw them and asked, "What's going on? You just left here, not five minutes ago." John ignored him, and went straight to Dixie.

Roy told Brackett the news. "We just heard over the air that there's a woman hemorrhaging…at John's house."

"No."

John was standing almost on top of Dixie, who was holding him back from the phone. "There's been no news yet Johnny; the call just went out a few minutes ago. Just hang on!"

After an interminable time the radio phone crackled. "Rampart Emergency, this is Squad 43, do you read?" Johnny was practically tearing his hair.

Dr Early came almost running up to the center, and Dixie passed him the phone. "Go ahead 43, this is Rampart."

"Rampart, we have a woman, mid twenties, seven months pregnant. She appears to be in full labor and is hemorrhaging. She is semi-conscious." The paramedic's voice quavered; "Doc, it's John Gage's wife. She's pretty bad."

"What are her vitals, 43?" Everyone held their breath, because they knew that this information would tell them the truth about her condition.

"Pulse 140, Respirations 26 and shallow, BP 80 over 60." It was bad.

Dr Early barked out instructions for IVs, told them to put a pillow between her legs and tie them together, and "Get her in here, STAT!"

Dixie brought John to a chair and made him sit down and put his head between his knees. "I'm not going to pass out, Dix!"

"Just do what I say, Johnny. I want you to have your wits about you when they bring Jane in!"

Roy looked at Dr Early. "Is there anything we can do?"

"No, just take care of John. We'll get everything ready here." He barked at Dixie. "Dix! Come on! We need to get some blood, and notify surgery for a possible caesarean." He marched off with Dr Brackett following.

When the ambulance pulled in, everyone was waiting at the door. The paramedic holding the IV bag saw Johnny standing there and blanched. Johnny looked at Jane, who was lying on the stretcher as white and still as death, her belly a hard disconnected ball under the blanket. They rushed her into Treatment room 1 and one of the nurses barred Johnny from going in.

"That's my wife, you can't keep me out!" he cried, but the nurse said soothingly, "I know, I know. Johnny, as soon as the doctor lets me let you in, I will! I promise!" John turned around and saw Roy holding Joanne in his arms. She was crying.

Joanne, Roy and John sat down to wait. Roy asked gently, "Honey, what happened? Do you know? Can you tell me?"

She looked at Johnny and then at Roy. "After you called me, I called Jane, but there was no answer. I wasn't concerned, I thought that maybe she was sleeping, but I decided to go over and visit anyway. When I got to the house…" She paused, and John leaned in more closely. He had to know what she found there.

Joanne took a deep breath. "I rang and knocked and there was no answer, so I walked around to the back of the house to see if I could see anything or get in. The back door was unlocked, and I went towards the bedroom, but then I saw…" She paused again and closed her eyes. "I saw a trail of blood leading to the bathroom." She looked John in the eyes. "It seemed to be a lot of blood." She looked down. "I found her there, on the bathroom floor, in a pool of red…" She started shaking a little bit. "I touched her, and she moaned, and then she obviously had a contraction, because she started to scream, and more blood poured out…" Tears started to fall from her eyes. "I called 911, but that was all I could do." She hugged Roy. "If only I had your training, if only I knew what to do…"

Roy comforted her. "There wasn't anything more you could have done, even if you had had training. You did your best. You did the right things." John looked over at the closed treatment room door. They waited.

Jane had been taken up to surgery. Joanne had gone home to the children. Captain Stanley had told Roy and John to stay at the hospital and not to worry about their time. Other squads would cover their runs. Johnny and Roy sat in the coffee shop. John looked haggard, like he had aged 10 years. Roy wished he had something to say to his friend.

Johnny finally spoke. "You know, Roy, it's not supposed to happen like this. I'm the one with the dangerous job, the one who takes risks. I'm so scared and so angry and I don't know who to be angry at…" He looked at Roy. "Is this what they go through? Our wives? Every time we get hurt, or…" He put his face in his hands.

Roy wanted to say what he always did, that it would be all right, that everything would work out, but he didn't know; he had no reference for this situation. Dr Early, Dr Joe as Jane called him, found them there. They both looked up as he walked in, unable to tell from his expression what the news would be. Joe pulled up a chair and sat down. He sighed.

He looked at John. "Jane will be fine. She has had several units of blood and she's young and physically healthy despite this pregnancy." He looked at his hands, and both men felt a chill. "The baby…" He looked at Johnny again. "Your son died, John. We couldn't save the baby; he had lost too much blood."

John croaked out, "What happened?"

Dr Early explained. "Jane had a condition known as placenta previa, where the placenta is placed very low in the uterus, in this case, directly over the cervix. That caused the intermittent bleeding she experienced throughout the pregnancy. Apparently this morning it separated from the uterine wall, probably due to Braxton-Hicks contractions, the practice contractions that the uterus starts making around this time to get ready for birth. The rupture signaled her body to go into real labor, but the baby couldn't get into the birth canal because it was blocked by the placenta, and…well, it was a very good thing your wife went to check on her, Roy. Otherwise she could have bled to death." Dr Joe touched Johnny's arm. "I can't tell you how sorry I am about the loss of your child, John."

Johnny didn't respond, other than to give a brief nod. Then he asked, "Can I see her now?"

Jane was in a room by herself, the hard ball of her belly gone from underneath the blanket. Her eyes were closed, but she wasn't asleep. Johnny came in and sat beside her bed, reaching out to take her hand. At his touch, silent tears began to stream down her cheeks. He laid his head on her chest and let his own tears fall.

Roy came to check on them after a while. "Hey," he said to John, and John replied back, "Hey." Roy looked at Jane. Although she wasn't crying, he had heard about people with eyes drowning in sorrow, and felt he was seeing it in Jane. Dr Early came in to see how Jane was doing. She didn't speak to anyone, just held John's hand and looked with unseeing eyes.

Roy and Joanne came by the next day, with flowers and some 'mindless magazines' as Joanne called them. While they were there, Dr Brackett dropped in to say hi. John had stayed by Jane's side all night, so he went to get cleaned up in the washroom while the others were visiting. When he got back, Dixie was also there, and she and Joanne were fixing up Jane's long hair into a braid. Dr Early came in, was surprised by the number of people in the room, and turned to leave, when Jane's voice stopped him. It was the first time she had spoken since before she lost the baby.

"Can I see him?" He turned to look at her. "My baby. Can I see him please?"

Dr Early looked at Dixie, who said "I'll check," and left. Dr Joe came to stand beside the bed.

"How are you feeling, Jane?" he asked gently.

"It hurts," she replied.

"What hurts, my dear?"

"Here." She touched her left breast. "It feels broken inside." She looked at him with the wonder of a wounded child. "Is my heart broken?" There were no eyes in the room that did not mist.

Dixie came back into the room and spoke with Dr Early, who then talked with Jane and John. "I'm sorry to say that it's too late to see the baby." Jane just nodded, as if she had expected that.

Then she said, "Is there something we could do? His name was James Christopher. I don't want him to just be forgotten. I would like to do something to say he was here, he lived, even if it was only a few minutes…" her voice trailed off, and Joanne turned away to hide her tears.

Dr Brackett nodded, and left the room with Dixie to see what could be done. Kelly looked down to see a tear on Dixie's cheek as well, and put his arm around her as they walked. "We'll do what we can."

So they had a little memorial service in the chapel of the hospital a few days later, with Jane in a wheelchair. A week after Jane came home, John and Roy planted a tree in the Gage's back yard in memory of the short life of James Christopher Gage while Jane and Joanne watched with their arms around each other.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

Life went on again. Except that it didn't in some ways. Jane's convalescence was taking a while, and she still wasn't able to go back to work. She found it too difficult to go to the community center, and had a hard time dealing with crowds of people. She wandered around the house, feeling lost, unable to enter the room that was to have been her son's. John finally spoke to Dr Early when he was at the hospital after a run some weeks later. "Doc, what do I do? It's like I lost my wife when the baby died. I don't know what to do." Dr Early asked him to bring Jane to see him as soon as he could.

They came to see him together, John holding Jane's hand as her unseeing eyes looked past or through everything and everyone. After they sat down, Dr Joe took both of Jane's hands in his and looked her in the eyes. "Jane," he said softly. "Come back. You husband needs you."

She shuddered and closed her eyes and then opened them, and looked at Johnny properly for the first time in weeks. Then she threw her arms around him and cried, "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry! I'm sorry. Please forgive me!"

Johnny held her close. "There's nothing to forgive, Jane, you're my wife and I love you."

"No, no, no," she cried, "Everyone I love dies or gets hurt and I'm the one doing it! It's my fault!"

John looked at Dr Joe with dismay and asked, "What is this? What is she talking about?"

Dr Early patted Jane's back and spoke to Johnny. "Survivor guilt. Complicated by the deaths of her parents and her sister's disabilities. Now apparently transferred to the death of the baby. I think she's going to need some counseling before she's going to get better."

"You mean a shrink?"

"No, Johnny, I mean a grief counselor, someone trained to help her recover from this loss." He touched Jane's shoulder. "You can recover from this, you know. There are people who can help you. And I meant what I said, your husband needs you – if you won't do this for yourself, do it for him."

She dried her eyes. "Yes, Dr Joe, I will. Thank you." She sighed.

Dr Early looked at her intently. "Do you remember what you told Johnny the day you agreed to marry him? Because I do. You said that you would love him for as long as you could and no matter what happened, and that you believed in forever – that these feelings wouldn't die, even if death should claim one of you." He smiled at her. "You see, you made an impression on me that day." He looked into her eyes again. "So prove to me those words."

Now Jane's days had some structure, as she met regularly with a counselor and attended a support group for mothers who had lost their babies. She started going for long walks, and visiting with Joanne and the children when their husbands were at work. She felt safe with Joanne, because she didn't have to explain anything to her – her sudden silences, her infrequent tears. She began talking more normally about the baby: "Today he would have been three months old, if he had stayed where he was supposed to be. What does a three month old normally do, Joanne?"

It was the first anniversary of their wedding, and Jane made a gourmet French cuisine meal of sole amandine and chocolate mousse for dessert. She bought and put on a black wrap-around dress that flowed as she walked, her red hair like warm fire in the light from the candles, soft music playing in the background. After they finished eating, she came over to John's chair and sat on his lap, tracing the line of his jaw with wonder."You're still here," she said, and kissed his ear. "I'll always be here," he replied, "there's nowhere else for me to be," and he pulled her face down to kiss her mouth.

Dr Early took John aside about a month later and asked how Jane was doing. "Great, Doc, she's almost back to being her old self. There's only one thing…"

"What's that?"

"She still can't face going back into a classroom and being with children like that. She's fine if we visit people with kids, but there's just something about being responsible for them, I guess."

"Hmm. I think I'll ask her to come in – for a check up, if that's all right with you."

"Sure, Doc, no problem, whatever you say."

Dr Early looked at Jane while John sat in a chair to one side. He gave her a clean bill of health, and then asked her how the counseling was going. She smiled. "I think it's really helped, Dr Joe. I can talk about the baby easily now, and it doesn't hurt as much. And I've started to be a bit of a help to others, I know."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, sometimes the counselor lets me run a session for a group of bereaved moms, and she says that I've got a natural empathy that really is healing for others." She turned to look at John. "And I think I'm much more like the way I used to be?" John nodded, his face propped up on his hands, with his elbows on his knees. Jane sighed. "I just don't see how I am ever going back into a classroom again, though. I think about it every day, and every day I just feel terrified about being in charge of all those children…"

Dr Joe nodded. "Johnny actually said almost the same thing to me. So I'm wondering – how would you feel about a career change?"

"A career change? What are you talking about?" She looked over at John, who just shrugged and raised his eyebrows.

Dr Joe sat down beside Jane. "Actually, I am aware of the good work that you have been doing helping others with your counselor. We have been thinking for quite awhile about having a counselor available here at the hospital who would have some of your skills." Jane started to question, "What…", but Joe held up his hand. "Please hear me out."

He continued, "You know that we have a chaplain here at the hospital; he did the service for your son. However, sometimes we have cases where a man's touch just doesn't help. In fact, it may make some situations even more difficult."

"But what about the nurses?" Jane asked. "Don't they help when he isn't able to?"

Dr Joe nodded. "You see Jane, that's not their training, either. And we do get times when just being a member of the medical profession is enough to, shall we say, scare vulnerable people."

Johnny sat up straighter and spoke up. "I think I see where you're going with this, Doc. You think that maybe Jane, with her natural abilities, might be able to help out with people who are too upset to handle regular hospital…"

"Interventions?" suggested Jane. Johnny shrugged.

Dr Joe agreed. "That is what I'm getting at. However, Jane, you wouldn't be able to rely just on your 'natural abilities' as Johnny calls them, you would need to go back to school and get some more training. How would you feel about that?"

Jane opened her eyes wide and looked from Johnny to Dr Joe. "I guess I wouldn't mind that at all. In fact, it sounds interesting. What do you think, John?"

Johnny got up and came over to Jane, placing his hand on her shoulder. "I think it's a great idea!" he said, his face breaking into a grin. Oh, that grin, that Jane loved so much – she hadn't realized how rare it had become! She felt excited about the challenge, a regeneration within herself, as she contemplated studying something new. John looked at Dr Early. "What does Jane going back to school have to do with the hospital, Doc?"

Dr Joe smiled. "It's actually a bit self-serving of us, but I couldn't think of a better candidate. You see, we have been given a grant to have a crisis intervention counselor established at the hospital as a trial. Right now it's for an internship to work under our chaplain, and the kicker is, she has to be female in order for us to get the money."

John gave a laugh. "Wow, that's great. It really sounds great. Perfect for Jane, like you said." His face changed into a worried frown. "But what about you, Jane? Do you think you could handle it? Going to school, helping people at the hospital? It would mean a lot of work, and it would be intense, I know, because I deal with people in crisis every day." He bent his knees so that he was eye level with her and looked at her closely. "Are you up to it?"

Jane looked back at him, and then looked at Dr Joe. "I think so. I feel like I can do this. And you know this is really the first time I've felt excited about something in a long time." She took Johnny's hand and squeezed it. "I'd like to try, anyway."

Johnny stood up and grabbed Dr Joe's hand to shake it. "Thanks, Doc. I mean that."

Dr Early shook his hand back. "You are more than welcome, John." He turned his head and looked at Jane, "And Jane. You two really don't know how much a part of our Rampart family you have become."

Jane hugged Johnny. "I couldn't ask for a better family." He kissed her forehead, and they waved to Dr Early and left the office.

Johnny began sharing some of the things Jane was learning in her classes with the men of the station, whether they wanted to hear it or not. "You know, people's emotions get stored in their bodies, so when you have a headache or an upset stomach, it could be caused by anger that you haven't expressed," to which Roy countered, "Or you could just have a headache or an upset stomach!"

"Learning should be a lifelong process. If we aren't learning something new, we are stagnating!" and Marco commented, "Isn't that what ponds do?"

"When we talk to other people, we aren't just using words, we use our thoughts, feelings, and body responses," to which Chet replied, "You mean my desire to slug you to get you to stop talking is just my way of talking to you?"

Johnny had a difficult time with the next call. A woman, pregnant six months, had fallen downstairs while carrying her one-year old in her arms. Both of them had a broken leg, and there was concern that the woman was going into premature labor. It was a little too close to home for Johnny. Roy tried to deal with things as much as possible, so Johnny wouldn't feel like he was reliving what had happened with Jane not so long ago. After the little family was brought to the hospital and in the treatment room, Johnny leaned up against the nurse's counter and let out a long breath. "Yeah, I could see you were not having a good time with that one," Roy commented.

"Let's just get our stuff and get going, okay, Roy?" Roy patted his back a couple of times, and gave his list of supplies to the nurse sitting there.

Jane met with the chaplain at the hospital and arranged her internship hours so that she could spend the maximum amount of time with Johnny on his time off. She was surprised at how much she was enjoying what she was doing, and how good she seemed to be at doing it. Dixie reassured her. "I knew when I first met you that you had a special connection with other people, especially people in distress. Under different circumstances you would have made an excellent nurse!"

Jane laughed. "I take that as a very high compliment coming from you, Dixie!"

"And so you should! I wouldn't say that to very many people, and some of them are nurses!"

Jane tried not to bump into Johnny when he was also at the hospital, as they both agreed to keep their work a separate as possible but she couldn't help sharing with him her excitement and feelings of accomplishment. Johnny seemed to catch some of her enthusiasm. He started talking to Roy about how they could suggest things to improve aspects of paramedic training based on what he was learning from Jane.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

One day there was quite a bit of excitement at the hospital; Dr Brackett and Dr Morton were talking to a visiting doctor from out of state who had developed some innovative radiological equipment and techniques. Jane was working with a family who had just lost their young mother, helping them to make plans, giving the father contact lists for resources, and comforting the children. The visiting doctor was with the two doctors in the hallway outside Brackett's office when Jane walked by. He saw Jane and immediately excused himself from the others, coming up to her with a big smile. "Jane! What a wonderful surprise!"

Jane stopped in her tracks and just stared at him. "Mark? What are you doing here?"

Mark laughed. "You'll never guess! I've just gotten an assignment to Rampart General to help them out with some new equipment I developed."

Dr Brackett and Mike Morton came over to Jane. "You know Dr Johnson?" asked Kelly Brackett.

Jane seemed quite flustered. "Yes, we knew each other in college."

Dr Johnson put his arm around Jane and said, "A bit more than that, Jane!" He looked at the other men and smiled. "This is my first love – we were going to be married!"

Jane squirmed under Mark's arm and turned red. "Mark, it's been good to see you, but I have to go back to work now. Please excuse me."

Mark laughed and said, "I totally understand, but I will definitely catch up with you later!" Jane nodded and walked very quickly to the family she was helping.

Everyone was talking about this new visiting doctor – so young, so talented, so confident – when Johnny and Roy were gathering supplies at the station. One of the nurses asked Johnny, "Do you think you could introduce me to him?"

John looked at her blankly and Dixie intervened. "That's enough of that. Get back to work now, please."

Roy asked, "What's going on?"

Dixie sighed. "You haven't heard about our new wonder boy – a visiting doctor from Boston."

Johnny asked, "Why on earth would that nurse think that I could introduce her to him?"

"Because apparently your wife knows him – quite well."

"What? Jane? A doctor from Boston?"

"He announced to Kell and Mike in the hallway that she was his first love – and that they were going to be married at some point." She looked at Johnny closely. "You didn't know?"

Johnny blustered, "Well, yeah, I knew she had been serious with someone in college, but she never seemed to want to talk about him, and I didn't see any reason to ask." He bent in to talk to Dixie more closely. "What I don't understand is why this guy is such a big deal."

Dixie fiddled with her papers as she replied. "Because, it appears that this 'guy' is a genius of some kind and quite young to be so renowned – around your age in fact – and he's one of the highest paid specialists in his field in the whole country!"

Johnny grunted. "Huh. So he really is a big deal."

"Yes he is, and the whole hospital seems to be bending to his will!"

Roy picked up on Dixie's tone of voice. "You don't seem to have joined the fan club, though."

Dixie closed her paperwork with a snap. "I don't like to see the order and discipline of a well-run hospital thrown out the window just because some celebrity doctor decides to grace us with his presence!"

John was digesting all this information. "Celebrity doctor? Highest paid specialist? Why didn't Jane ever say anything to me?"

Roy looked at him. "I guess you'd better ask her then. C'mon, we'd better get back to work."

"Huh." John left with Roy, shaking his head.

There didn't seem to be time to ask Jane about this Dr Mark Johnson, as she was always busy studying, or they would have other things that needed doing when they were off work together. Johnny kept waiting for Jane to bring it up, and Jane didn't seem inclined to mention anything about him at all. It was as if, for her, he wasn't at the hospital or he didn't exist. John felt some disquiet. Why, if there wasn't anything between these two, didn't she mention something about him?

When working at the hospital, Jane tried to keep out of the way of both her husband and her ex-fiancé and was finding it increasingly difficult to do her job.

Dr Johnson had been there for a week when he cornered her in the lounge. There was no one else there at the time. "Jane, are you avoiding me?" he asked point blank, and touched her arm.

Jane looked at him and looked away. "I've been very busy."

Mark smiled at her. "You've always been very busy. Always doing good works."

Jane tried to shrug off his hand. "And you also, Mark. Always innovating."

"Jane, look at me. There's something I want to tell you." She looked at him, warily. "It's not an accident that I'm here at Rampart doing this training. I chose to come here. Don't you know why?"

"No."

He still had his hand on her arm and now he took hold of her other arm too, and turned her to face him. "I came to find you." She gasped. He led her over to the couch and sat down beside her. "I want you to hear me out. I know this is probably upsetting for you, but…"

Jane interrupted him: "You do know I'm married don't you? Happily married?"

Mark smiled. "I heard, and I'd like to meet your husband sometime. Or maybe I already have? I understand he's a paramedic or a fireman or something."

Jane sat up very straight. "He's both, and he's very good at what he does."

Mark held up his hand as if to calm her down. "I'm sure he is. I don't think you would go for anyone but the very best."

She started to rise, but then she sat again and looked at Mark closely. "Aren't you married yourself? That was certainly the information I had, anyway."

"We're separated." He grinned ruefully and stroked her arm. "It didn't work out."

She pushed away his hand and stood up to leave. Then she turned to ask him, "How did you find me anyway, especially now that I'm married?"

He came to stand in front of her. "I was speaking to a mutual friend from college who had been at your wedding. Then I went to visit your sister to find out what you were doing now."

She peered at him, confused. "But, why? I don't understand."

Mark took her face into his hands, and said huskily, "Because I still care about you. I can't get you out of my mind." Before she could stop him, he started to kiss her, hungrily. She put her hands on his chest to try to push him away…and the door opened.

Dr Brackett came in. "There you are, Dr Johnson, I…" He saw Jane push Mark away and run out of the room.

Mark gave a laugh. "Just catching up with an old friend. Sorry you had to come looking for me. What can I do for you?"

Dr Brackett swallowed and said, "We'd like to have a team meeting to discuss some of the training sessions that might need to be rescheduled." He had a hard time looking at the man, and held the door open for him so they could go out together.

Kelly looked for Dixie as soon as he was free. "Say, Dixie, have you got some time? I'd really like to talk to you about something." He seemed upset, so Dixie put down the chart she was writing in, and folded her hands.

"Sure, Kell, no problem. What's up?"

He sighed. "I need to ask you about Jane."

"What about her? There's no problem with the work she's been doing, is there?"

"No, no. It's nothing like that." He motioned for her to follow him into his office, and then closed the door, and sat on the edge of his desk. "Dix, you are good friends with Jane Gage." It wasn't a question. Dixie just looked at him quizzically. He sighed again. "A little while ago I came upon Jane and Mark Johnson in the lounge. They were locked in an embrace. It looked pretty passionate to me."

Dixie was shocked. "Jane? No chance. She adores Johnny. I know that as well as I know my own name."

"I'd have said so too, but I know what I saw. The question is, what do I do about it?"

Dixie looked at him. "You want me to talk to Jane and find out what happened."

He nodded. "I do. I just…Dixie, you know that Jane is very special to all of us here at Rampart. But Johnny has been around a lot longer, and I can't bear the thought of him being betrayed under our roof, so to speak. Just find out what you can, will you? And let me know? When I have more information, maybe I can decide what I need to do. But will you do this for me, and as soon as possible, please?"

Dixie nodded and rose from her chair, but before she left, she turned and said to Kelly, "I understand you're upset by what you saw, but I still say that I know Jane would never knowingly hurt Johnny. She loves him too much."

Kelly nodded. "That's why I'm asking you to find out what really happened."

"Okay then."

"Bye Dixie, and thanks."

Dixie came up to Jane as she was tidying up her desk and getting ready to leave for the day and said, "Knock, knock." Jane looked up, smiling, and then noticed that Dixie had a very serious look on her face. Her own face fell.

"May I talk to you?"

Jane looked down at her desk. "Dr Brackett told you what he saw, didn't he?"

"Yes, and he asked me to find out what it was all about."

"Is he going to tell Johnny?"

"I don't know. What is there to tell? What happened, Jane?" She sat down in the empty chair beside the desk. "I told him that I knew you would never hurt Johnny, but it sounded pretty serious to me."

Jane ran her hands through her hair and covered her face with them, pulling them forward into prayer clasp in front of her mouth. She sighed deeply, and looked at Dixie. "I don't know what to do, or what to say."

Dixie was surprised. This wasn't at all what she thought Jane would have said. "Can you tell me about it?"

"I don't know where to start," Jane replied.

"How about with what happened today?"

"I feel so sick about that. I never meant for it to happen – never gave him any reason to think that I…" Jane seemed to be searching for her words. She spoke slowly, as if choosing very carefully what she was going to tell Dixie. "Mark is a very intelligent and capable man, who has always gotten everything he ever wanted. Once upon a time he wanted me. He came into my life just after the accident, when I was extremely vulnerable. And because he likes to manage things, he took over management of me. I was swept along by a force of personality and confidence that I had no will to fight against. And honestly, I didn't try. It was soothing to have him take care of things, to tell me what to do, or not to do, what to be…" She looked past Dixie, into her memories. "I relied on him, and it felt safe. So safe that I believed I loved him, and when he asked me to marry him, I thought I would be safe forever." Dixie noticed Jane's jaw was clenching and unclenching. She wondered what was coming next.

Jane continued, "I went away for a few weeks to visit my relatives up north, to deal with some things of my mother's and to work out the care of my sister with my aunt. While I was away, Mark had a relationship with my then best friend. When I found out he said was lonely for me. He talked me into staying engaged, but then he broke it off, saying that he needed to find out what he really wanted. He moved to Boston to take up his medical residency, which he had accepted without telling me. I was left alone, because I had relied on him so completely, even without a best female friend, for obvious reasons. I had just lost my family a few months before, and now I lost my friends and my future."

Dixie reached out and took one of Jane's hands. Jane continued, "It took a long time for me to feel safe again, to be able to let people into my life that I could allow myself to love, to trust…" Jane's tears started to fall. "I finally have everything I ever wanted, except perhaps children, and this man…." She was unable to continue for a moment, but pulled herself together. "This man waltzes back into my life, on purpose! ...and tells me he still cares for me, and wants to meet my husband, and kisses…" she seemed to choke on the words, "…and kisses me as if he owns me, and in front of someone I respect and who's good opinion matters more to me than…." She couldn't continue talking, but pounded her fist on the desk in front of her. "Why, Dixie? Why me? Why now? And what about John? He looks at me with suspicion ever since Mark arrived here, and I can't talk to him, not about this…"

Dixie squeezed her hand. "Why not?"

"Because I don't know how! If I knew; if I came across him in this situation, if our positions were reversed…"

Dixie said firmly, "You would listen to what he had to say, and you would work it out."


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

Before Jane could talk to Johnny, Mark met him at the nurse's station. He came over, laughing at something Dr Morton had said, apparently best buddies with the other doctor. Mike introduced Johnny and Roy to him. "Roy, John, have you met Dr Mark Johnson from Boston? He's been training our team on some new techniques and equipment he designed – very cutting edge!" He patted Mark on the back. Roy shook Mark's outstretched hand, but Johnny pretended not to see it.

Mark smiled at Johnny and said, "John Gage? So you are the lucky man who married Jane! Well, congratulations! I nearly did that myself, so I can tell you're a man with good taste!" He laughed at his own joke. Johnny gave a parody of a grin, and asked Roy pointedly if they should leave now. As they walked down the hall, Mark followed and said to Johnny, "You know, I wouldn't mind getting together with you and your wife for dinner or something. How about I treat you two and you can show me some of your favorite sites around town?"

Johnny was so taken aback that he didn't know how to say no. "Uh, sure, I guess…"

"Great! I'll get in touch with you and we can set something up! We'll talk soon."

Roy glanced at Johnny as they got into the squad. "I'm surprised you said yes to that."

Johnny banged his door closed. "I didn't mean to. Who the heck is this guy? And why is he suddenly controlling my life?" He banged the dashboard with his hand. "That's it – as soon as possible Jane and I are talking about this whether she wants to or not!"

Roy pulled out of the parking lot. "Are you sure that's a good idea when you're this angry?"

"I'm not angry! I'm not angry! But I'm sure as hell not going to let some hot-shot know-it-all doctor take over my wife and my life! No way!"

"You sound angry to me," Roy commented, more to himself than to John. Then he said a little louder, "Well, I'd sure be angry if this was happening to me and Joanne."

"Damn right," said John. "You are damn right."

When John got home after his shift, Jane was in bed asleep. Although he was tired, he sat in the living room with the curtains closed just staring into the gloom, his thoughts circling without going anywhere. He was off work the next day and so was Jane. They had plans to go grocery shopping and later take in a movie.

John and Jane were both waiting for the right time to speak, neither sure what the silence of the other meant. It was early afternoon, and they were moving gingerly around each other, putting groceries away in the kitchen and being excessively polite, when the phone rang. Johnny answered it.

"Hello! This is Mark Johnson! May I speak with Jane, please?"

Without a word, Johnny handed the phone to Jane and stood against the wall, his arms folded across his chest, his jaw working as he glared at the phone. Jane took the phone with trepidation and said, "Hello?" John could hear everything that Mark was saying, as Jane held the receiver away from her ear, a look of shocked dismay on her face. Was it because he called her here, at their home? Was it because John wouldn't leave so she could have this conversation in private? He fumed to himself, and glared at Jane.

Mark was telling her about meeting Johnny at the hospital the day before and how they got along so well that he had arranged to take them out to dinner and around town. So he was calling to see when a good time for them might be. Jane couldn't seem to find her voice. Johnny wondered if it was because she wanted to say something to this man that she didn't want him, her husband, to hear.

Then she said, "I have to talk it over with John. I will get back to you." She hung up the phone and Johnny stomped out of the room. Why hadn't she said no? What game was she playing?

She followed him into the bedroom where he had thrown himself onto their bed. "John?" she said tentatively, "That was Mark Johnson on the phone. He said that you had agreed for us to get together." No, no, no, she was pleading with her eyes, just tell me it was a mistake, that you didn't know what he was like, that you want me to stay here just with you…

He closed his eyes. "You do what you like. Whatever. I don't care." Jane stood in the doorway and tears welled in her eyes. His words 'I don't care' cut her like a knife and she couldn't bear it anymore. She ran from the room, grabbed her purse, and ran out the door, getting into the car and pulling out of the driveway as her tears threatened to blind her. He knows about the kiss she thought. He thinks I set this up. He doesn't care. He doesn't care. He doesn't care…she didn't know where she was going, she just knew she had to get away.

Johnny heard her leave, and he thought for a moment in his anger that maybe she was going to find Mark. He went for a walk, but he started to get a headache that was so bad he went back home and took an aspirin. She wasn't home. Would she be coming home? They had never fought before – little disagreements, sure, that were always resolved fairly quickly. They seemed to like the same things, laugh at the same things…but now this. Damn this Mark Johnson! Damn him!

When Jane came home, he didn't ask where she had been. She took his silence for rejection, and pleaded with her eyes for him to talk to her, but she couldn't bring herself to bridge the wall between them – it was just too high, too thick…He took her silence for guilt and firmed in his resolve not to talk to her until she told him what was really going on. Fine, if that was the way it was going to be, so be it!

When Johnny left for work, Jane tried to give him a kiss, but he turned away. My marriage is over, thought Jane, and part of her seemed to die inside. At work John was surly and short tempered with everyone but the people he was treating, and so they all left him alone, although Roy did try tentatively to talk to him. "So did you speak with Jane? About this doctor friend?"

Johnny glared at him and said through gritted teeth, "Don't you mention him to me, you hear? Just don't!" and he refused to look at Roy or talk to him about anything that wasn't directly related to their job.

They arrived at the hospital with a teenager who had eaten some food that was suspected of being rotten on a dare and now had apparent food poisoning, and in the treatment room, Dr Morton asked Roy what was bugging Johnny. Roy said "Don't go there, okay, Doc?"

Dr Brackett was in the room and overheard, so he followed Roy into the hallway and when Johnny was out of earshot, said quietly, "Is Johnny all right? Is this about the kiss?"

Roy turned to him with horror in his eyes. "What kiss?"

"Oh, uh, nothing. Nothing." It was obvious that Kell was embarrassed, and wanted to leave, but Roy stopped him cold, grabbing his arm.

"You can't say something like that and then get away. What kiss are you talking about?"

Dr Brackett 'shhhhed' Roy. "Look, forget I said anything, okay?"

Roy glared at him. "You know something about why Johnny's got his pants all in a twist and you're not saying? What kind of friend are you?"

"Roy, please, let it go."

Johnny came back looking for Roy. "Well, are we leaving or not?" Roy pointed his finger at Dr Brackett but didn't say anything more, just pursed his lips, shook his head and left with John.

Now Roy felt conflicted. There was way more going on here than he had imagined. Did Johnny know about a kiss that may have happened between Dr Johnson and his wife? How did Dr Brackett know about it? Was it common knowledge? Was his best friend's wife having an affair? He felt sick to his stomach. He wished he could talk to Joanne, but would she know? Would it make things worse? Where was Jane? And where was this home-wrecker doctor? Were they together?

Jane was home, packing. She was going to go to her aunt's house up north. She couldn't stay in a home where she wasn't wanted, but she couldn't bear to leave Johnny…except that he made it clear that he didn't want her, that he didn't care what she did…She wrote a note and left it on the table, and laughed in a sad way. It was all so cliché; the kind of thing she and Johnny would laugh about together if they saw it in a movie: "Dear John, I am leaving you. I love you, but I can't live like this." Oh, God, why did it hurt so much? How could she survive this?

Dr Brackett talked to Dixie and got Jane's side of the story from her. It convinced him that no matter how wonderful and cutting edge the technology was, it was more important for Dr Mark Johnson to leave the hospital as soon as possible, before rumors started and Johnny and Jane's marriage was destroyed. He talked with Dr Early and Dr Morton, and just explained to them that he felt that it was in the best interest of the hospital to pay off the rest of Dr Johnson's contract and let him go back to Boston. He also told them that he would be the one to explain the hospital's decision to Mark. Dr Early looked at him curiously, but didn't question him. Dr Morton, however, was not so agreeable to the idea. He found that being with the brilliant young innovator was stimulating both professionally and intellectually. Dr Brackett was adamant, and reluctantly Dr Morton had to accept his decision.

As soon as Mark arrived, Dr Brackett took him into his office, and told him that his contract was terminated, but with full pay, and thank you very much for the training but could he please go now. Mark looked at him sheepishly. "This is really about that kiss you saw the other day, isn't it?" Kelly glared at him. "I don't want to be unprofessional, doctor, but unless you leave right now, I might have to hit you!" Mark threw up his hands. "Sorry it had to end like this. Please give my apologies to Jane." Dr Brackett did not trust himself to respond so he just pointed to the door. And so Dr Mark Johnson left Rampart General Hospital.

When Johnny got home, he found the note Jane left for him, and his world collapsed. Jane was gone. She didn't even say where she was going. He called Roy. Had Joanne heard anything? Had Jane spoken to either of them? Roy was deeply dismayed. Based on what he'd gathered from Dr Brackett, there was a possibility that Jane had left Johnny for Mark Johnson; he didn't believe it, he didn't want to believe it, but there was still a chance…he felt he owed it to his friend to let him know he was aware there had been something between his wife and the doctor. "John, did Jane say anything to you about Mark Johnson kissing her?"

"What? What are you saying? Roy, what are you talking about?"

"Something I gathered from Dr Brackett."

"Brackett? At the hospital? They were meeting there?" It was as if all his worst nightmares were true. Jane. The one he'd waited for. Jane, the mother of his dead son. Jane, with another man… nausea rose within him. He quickly said, "I gotta go," and hung up on Roy, and ran to the bathroom to throw up.

Dixie called the Gage home in the morning, wondering why Jane had called in to say she wasn't coming to the hospital for work. Johnny answered the phone, and until he heard Dixie's voice he hadn't realized how much he had been hoping it was Jane calling. Please, let her call. Let her be all right. Let her come home. He spoke to Dixie. "She's not here."

"Is she on her way to the hospital? She didn't say why she wasn't coming in." Something in his tone clicked with Dixie and she asked, "Has something happened, Johnny?"

His throat felt tight as he answered. "She isn't home. She's gone."

"Johnny, what do you mean by 'gone'?"

His voice cracked. "She left me, Dix."

"No." Dixie whispered.

Where was she? John wandered around the house, picking things up, putting them back down, unseeing.

Where was she? Dixie went over to Jane's desk, and looked at the papers neatly piled to one side, running her hand over the top, and gently tapping her fingers. Then she straightened up and marched over to Dr Brackett's office and knocked on the door. "Come in," he called, and stood as Dixie entered. "What's up?" He saw her face and motioned for her to sit down in a chair, but she shook her head.

"Kell, where is that man?"

"What man?"

"That star innovator home-wrecker I'm-going-to-break-his-neck doctor."

"He's gone." Kelly turned around to sit back at his desk.

Dixie stood frozen on the spot. "Gone?" she repeated, "Gone where?"

"Gone back to wherever he came from, Dixie; I got rid of him before he could ruin the lives of our good friends." Dixie grabbed the back of the chair and then sat down, stunned. "Why, Dix? What's happened?"

"I spoke to Johnny this morning. Jane has left him."

"Oh, my God, what have I done?"

"Done, what do you mean, what have you done?"

"I got rid of him Dixie, so he would leave Jane alone. You convinced me that it was all him."

"It was. I'm sure it was… Oh, Kell, what about Johnny? And where is Jane now?"

Jane was driving north along the highway, pulling over periodically to get her sobs under control and dry her eyes so she could see. Oh, Johnny. My love. My life. If you don't want me, then I will try to be strong enough to set you free. But oh, can I survive this? Do I want to?


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

A couple of weeks went by and there was no news about Jane. Dixie became angry with Johnny. "Aren't you going to fight for her? Don't you think you owe it to both of you to clear this up once and for all? Have you called anyone to find out where she is?"

Johnny looked ill and tired. "How can I, Dixie? How can I compete with a rich doctor?"

She stomped her foot. "Oohh, it's a good thing that I am not a violent person, because I would like to smack you, John Gage! Or shake you! Or both!" She pointed her finger in his face. "You and Jane are meant for each other and you are great together and you are being a stubborn pig-headed idiot!"

"Thanks for the character reference, Dixie. Just what I needed." She stomped off.

Roy looked at Johnny. "She's right, you know."

"It doesn't bring Jane home, whether she's right or not."

But Jane did come home, in a way, only she went to see Dixie first. Dixie nearly fell off her chair when Jane walked in. "Where have you been, young woman? What do you mean by scaring us all like this?" Then she looked at Jane's stricken face and said, "Come here," and folded her into a hug. "Hush, it's okay, it will be okay. Shhhh." She led Jane to the lounge and sat her down, giving her a cup of coffee to warm her cold hands.

Jane looked at her with imploring eyes. "Has Johnny been here today?"

"No, he's off today." Dixie didn't say that Johnny had been working extra shifts almost continuously since she had been gone, and that she knew that he had been sleeping only on the couch, because he couldn't face going to bed without his wife. Jane sighed and Dixie had to ask, "Did you want to see him?"

"I guess I'll have to, but not yet."

"Jane, please tell me, where have you been?"

Jane looked at Dixie, surprised. "I was staying with my aunt, didn't you know?"

"No one knew where you were, Jane."

Her mouth formed a little 'o' and her eyes became very wide. "I didn't write it in my note?"

"Apparently not."

"Oh, I'm so, so sorry – I left in a hurry, and I guess I forgot." She sighed despondently.

"Jane, do you realize that everyone thought you had run away with Mark Johnson?"

"No! They can't have – he is here at the hospital, doing his training!" Jane's face looked horrified.

"But he isn't, Jane. Dr Brackett told him to leave right after he kissed you." Jane lost all colour in her face like she was going to faint, so Dixie made her put her head down, and got a cold paper towel for the back of her neck.

After a moment, Jane whispered, "John. Does he think that too?" Dixie nodded, and Jane grabbed her hands tightly. "Oh, Dixie! What do I do? What can I do? Help me, please! I'm pregnant!"

Dixie stared at Jane. "Are you sure?" she asked.

"Yes," said Jane. "It's why I came back – even if he doesn't want me, Johnny has a right to know."

"How far along are you?"

"About sixteen weeks, I think." She looked at Dixie with a tremulous smile. "I took a test while I was away. And yesterday, I felt the baby move."

Dixie let out her breath with a whoosh. "This isn't going to be easy. It's going to take some planning. Let me think." She got up and started walking around the room. "First, I think we need to get Joe to take a look at you. Then we need to see Kell, and ask if he will talk to Johnny before he sees you. After that, well, we'll see what we need to do then." She stopped walking and stood in front of Jane's chair. "What do you want to do?"

"I want to go home."

"What about Johnny?"

"If he wants me, then I want nothing more than to be with him. If he doesn't want me, I love him so much that…" her voice broke, but then she continued firmly, "…that I would set him free if that's what he wants. I guess we'll have to talk about what to do about the baby."

"What do you mean, what to do about the baby?"

"I mean, will he still want to be in her life?"

"It's a girl?"

"I don't know – I just feel that it is, because this pregnancy is so different from my first one. I hardly feel sick at all, and really, I only realized I was pregnant when I couldn't do up my jeans anymore. And that was only recently when all this stupidity started with Mark."

"What about bleeding?"

"Nothing. I feel fine. Just pregnant."

Dixie started walking again. "Okay, then. We will do what needs to be done, and then see what follows."

She took Jane's hand. "Are you ready?"

Dr Early was surprised when Dixie tracked him down and brought him into the treatment room where Jane sat looking absurdly young and scared in a chair. "Jane!" he cried, "My dear, where have you been? We've been so worried about you!"

Jane smiled weakly. "Oh, Dr Joe, can you please help me?"

He patted her leg. "I never believed that you abandoned Johnny. I knew you would be back. Now what's this I hear about another baby? Let me check you out, and make sure everything is as good as you've told Dixie it is."

After his examination, he put his stethoscope back around his neck and said "Strong heart beat, good movement, feels about the right size for sixteen weeks. Congratulations, my dear. Now let's get this other mess sorted out."

But Dixie had already gone to find Kelly Brackett, and in the same manner that she had corralled Dr Early, she led him to his office and told him to sit down.

"Okay, Dix, I'm sitting. Now what?"

"Jane is here."

"Where?" he said and started to get up, but Dixie pushed him back down.

"Now listen to me, Kelly Brackett. Part of this mess is of your making, and you are going to do your darndest to make it right. That poor couple has been through hell and you are going to do exactly what I say in order to fix things."

Johnny was surprised when he got the phone call at home that Dr Brackett wanted to see him in his office as soon as possible. He stretched, and stood stiffly, because he had been dozing in a chair in the living room. He slept so poorly lately, that anything he got was a blessing. He thought about getting cleaned up and changed, but decided against it. If Brackett wanted to see him that badly, he would have to take him as he was. He wondered briefly what it could be about, but didn't really care. He just did his job to the best of his ability, and that was about all he was interested in doing. Captain Stanley had told him several times that he needed to take some time off, and do something, anything, other than work. But John had just shrugged, and when the others were busy at the station, he was in the office chasing down more shifts. Anything to keep so busy that he wouldn't think about Jane…

When he arrived at the hospital, he saw a couple of nurses that he knew and they gave him funny looks, but he just muttered to himself, "What's their problem?" and knocked on Dr Brackett's door. When Brackett called for him to come in, he walked in and plunked himself down in a chair.

"Good grief, Johnny! You look terrible! What have you been doing to yourself?"

"Did you call me here to ask me that, Doc? Because I know I don't look like anything, and frankly I don't care, so I don't know why you should."

"Okay, Johnny, I'm sorry. That was not a good opening for me. Let me try again." He cleared his throat. "I owe you the biggest apology I can make, because I think I may have inadvertently hurt you in the worst way possible."

Johnny looked very confused. "What are you talking about, Doc? In what way have you hurt me?"

"I'm going to tell you a story, Johnny, about a well-intentioned jackass, who thought he was helping a friend. Now I want you to listen right to the end, without commenting, because there's a wow finish."

John looked at him skeptically. "A wow finish?"

Kelly took a deep breath. "Here goes. Once upon a time…"

"No, seriously, Doc?"

"I said, don't interrupt! Once upon a time, there was a young man who had fallen in love with a very lovely lady. Yes. And they got married."

"Seems like you cut out a big part of the story, Doc."

"I said, do not interrupt! They got married, and they were living happily ever after."

Johnny raised his eyebrows and muttered, "It's a good thing you're a doctor, because your stories stink!"

"One day, a snake came along and bit the young man's bride. The young lady was badly hurt, but she didn't tell her husband that she'd been bitten because she thought a jack-ass had told him, and that the young man didn't care. The jack-ass, who saw the bite, told the snake to go away and never come back. So it did. But the young lady didn't know what the jack-ass had done. And the poison…"

Johnny was sitting upright in the chair now. "You told Johnson to leave, but Jane didn't know. She didn't tell me about the kiss because she was too hurt to explain it to me when I treated her so coldly, so she left me, thinking I didn't love her." He was shaking slightly. "She didn't go with Johnson?"

Kelly came in front of Johnny and looked at him with sadness. "No, Johnny, she went to her aunt's house."

"And she was there the whole time?"

"The whole time."

"How do you know all this?"

"Because she's here." Johnny looked at him uncomprehending. "She's here, and she is waiting to see you." Johnny started to rise from his chair, but Kelly stopped him. "Wait, you haven't heard the wow finish."

"What? What could be more than she's here and she wants to see me?"

Kelly held up his hand and Johnny subsided back into his chair. "She wants to go home with you. But she's scared. And she's vulnerable. You see, she's about four months pregnant, and she doesn't know if her husband wants her. That's the wow finish." Johnny sat there, stunned. "Well, what's it going to be? I need to know, because I owe her an apology too, and she's waiting."

"Where?"

"With Dix and Joe in treatment room 2."

Johnny stood up, but his legs were a bit shaky. He gave a short laugh. "She's waiting for me?"

"With all her heart, John, with all her heart."

Without another word, Johnny straightened up, and walked out of the office, over to Treatment 2, and pushed open the door. Jane looked at him and her heart melted. Oh, the poor man, he looked like nobody loved him! And she loved him so much! She stood up slowly, as shaky as Johnny had been just a minute before.

"Jane."

"Oh, John, oh, Johnny, my darling, my love," and she ran into his arms, and hugged him and cried and kissed him and he was holding her and kissing her and saying her name over and over again…Dixie and Joe slipped out of the room and Jane and John didn't even notice. They couldn't get enough of touching and holding each other, and saying their love again and again.

Jane was snuggled as closely as she could be into Johnny's shoulder, and held on to his hand with both of hers. She sighed with contentment. She had finally been able to tell him all about Mark and what he had done to her, both in the past and when she had run away. Johnny kissed the top of her head, and said "Well, let's hope he never finds his way back here, because it would be an awful loss to medical technology."

She looked at him curiously. "What does that mean?"

"Just that he would probably have an accident, and there wouldn't be any paramedics around to help him, so it would probably be fatal." She laughed, but she wondered, does he mean that? Better not to find out.

He kissed her mouth firmly. "You're my girl, and no one else's, ever. And I will fight anyone who tries to take you from me." Jane smiled, his words balm to her fragile heart. He shifted so he could look into her face. "So can you explain to me how come you're so sure that this baby is a girl? If she is, I hope she looks a lot like you – can you imagine a girl with my face?"


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12

This was a very different pregnancy. Jane was well enough that she was able to work at the hospital two days a week. They didn't touch the baby's room – it would remain James' until a new resident actually came home. Due to the traumatic circumstances around James' birth, Jane had to have a scheduled cesarean a few weeks before the baby's due date, but they didn't mind, because they were able to arrange that Johnny would be off work.

The morning of the surgery, Jane walked into the hospital with her husband by her side. She laughed when they got her a wheelchair – it seemed silly since she felt so good physically. There would be no anxious pacing, no fearful waiting.

At 8:30 on a Thursday morning Rose Elizabeth Gage was born, weighing a healthy 7 pounds 8 ounces. Her hair, what little she had, looked suspiciously reddish. Or blond. Or light brown. No one could really decide. She had ten fingers and ten toes, and her father's heart from the first moment he held her. Jane watched him from her bed after she had come back from the recovery room, as he cuddled and talked nonsense to Rose. Roy and Joanne came by with flowers and chocolates, which John ate because Jane couldn't. Jane looked tenderly at John who was completely enraptured by his daughter. "I think I have been supplanted from first place, Roy."

Joanne bent down and kissed her cheek. "It's always that way, Jane. Once they have a daughter, it's daddy's girl all the way! Get used to it."

Jane grinned. "I don't think I'll have a problem."

Dr Early came in to see Jane and Rose. He began cooing and wiggling his fingers at the baby. Jane cleared her throat and looked meaningfully at Johnny. He raised his head from where he had been nuzzling his daughter's cheek and said "Right. Roy, Joanne, we would be greatly honored if you would agree to be godparents to Rose. What do you say?"

Joanne smiled broadly and nodded, and Roy reached over and squeezed Jane's hand. "Thank you. We would be delighted!" Jane looked at Johnny again with her eyebrows raised, and this time he nodded to her.

"Dr Joe?"

"Yes, Jane?"

"As you know, Rose doesn't have any maternal grandparents. We were hoping that maybe you would agree to be her god-grandparent if there is such a thing. And even if there isn't!"

Dr Early looked very surprised and then said to Johnny, "Give me that baby!" He held Rose tenderly in his arms and started cooing, "Come to your grandpa, you sweet little thing. C'mere and snuzzle wuzzle."

Jane burst out laughing and Johnny looked disgusted. "If that's the way you are going to talk to her, give her back to me! I don't want my child corrupted!"

The next day, Mike Stoker and Chet Kelly came by the hospital, with a big bouquet of pink roses for Jane. "It's from all the guys at the station," said Mike, and Jane called him to her side, and planted a big kiss on his cheek, which made him blush.

"Thank you! They are absolutely beautiful! Please give my love to everyone – it's so nice of you all!" Chet asked where Johnny was. "He's actually just gone to the nursery, to get Rose. I hope you can wait a couple of minutes, so you can see her."

Chet looked a bit nervous. "Actually, I'm not very good with newborns," he said.

Jane smiled winningly at him. "Then isn't it a good thing that Rose is coming?"

"How so?"

"So you can get some experience, of course!"

Johnny came in with Rose just then, placed her into Jane's arms, and looked at Chet and Mike. "Hey there, guys! Come to admire my beautiful daughter?"

Jane chuckled. "Actually, John, I think Chet is more terrified than admiring! But we'll soon fix that. Come here, Chet." He came nervously to her bedside, and she handed him the baby, with Johnny standing there looking horrified. She spoke soothingly to Johnny. "He'll be fine. She'll be fine. And she has to start getting to know her Uncle Chet."

"Uncle Chet? What are you talking about?"

"Well, firefighters are brothers aren't they? That makes Chet Rose's uncle! And Mike too, of course." She nodded to Mike, who grinned at her.

Just then Rose started to wail, and Johnny snorted, "I knew she had good taste! Give her to me!"

Chet looked dismayed and cried, "What did I do?" as he handed the baby over to Johnny.

Jane reassured him. "Nothing at all, it's just what babies do."

"Nah, she knows, does my Rose. She knows," affirmed Rose's daddy, and Jane gave him a playful slap on his arm.

At Rose's three month check-up, Dr Joe asked Jane if she would be willing to consider coming in to the hospital to work for a couple of days a week, like she had before the baby's birth. The chaplain had been asking whether he could have some hours of her help. Jane talked it over with Johnny, and then asked Joanne if she would mind babysitting on those days. It hurt her a lot to leave her daughter, even for the two days, but she found that since becoming a mother, she seemed to have more compassion and insight that helped her make better connections with people in need.

Johnny and Roy were participating more at conferences, and were often asked to be presenters or committee members, since they had been part of the paramedic program since its inception, had interesting insights, and some really great stories to tell. Some of their ideas became part of paramedic training and practice, for example, the idea of keeping a stuffed toy in the squad to give to young children who were victims of trauma.

One of their more interesting stories involved being called to a rock concert. It was held in an enclosed stadium, and consequently, the air was pretty thick with smoke, especially up in the 'nose bleed' section, where the concentration of 'whacky tobacky' was particularly pungent. It was pretty apparent that other illegal substances were being used as well, as they made their way through the unruly crowd, carrying their gear up narrow steep concrete steps and almost tripping over people in the aisles or those lurching around in various states of intoxication. They just narrowly missed being thrown up on several times, and that was in the first few minutes of arriving. Roy began to cough, and Johnny was trying not to breathe in order to keep a clear head.

They finally reached the very top of the stadium seats, and found a young man trying to launch himself off the railing into the crowd below, being poorly constrained by guards hired by the rock band. Just as they reached the railing, the man broke free from his protectors, and flung himself off, landing heavily on several concert goers and knocking them all down onto the wooden chairs and concrete. But the screams and moans and yelling were not even noticed by the majority around them who were so caught up in the experience of the pyrotechnics on stage. It was a complete mess, and no one wanted to get out of their way or give them the space they needed to move around and treat the injured. Roy had to go outside to call for additional help, leaving Johnny trying to assess the victims and protect his gear, which was in danger of being kicked away or taken by grinning concert goers.

Roy radioed in that they might have as many as ten victims at the scene, and soon another squad, a fire truck, and two ambulances began to arrive. Some patrons finally noticed that something other than a concert was going on in their section and started to allow the two paramedics to treat the victims, which was challenging, as they couldn't hear themselves over the noise of the concert and their heads were getting lighter from the smoke. They couldn't call Rampart or do anything more than stabilize the victims to the point where they could remove them to the concession stand area, and then treat them there.

By the time they were able to talk with Rampart, their hearing was so deadened by the noise that they couldn't hear the transmissions, and had to ask for a fireman who hadn't been inside to relay what was being said by the doctors through yelling directly in their ears.

Fortunately, most of the injuries were minor and able to be treated with first aid only; in the end the man who had thrown himself off the railing and the person he had landed directly on top of were the sole victims that needed to be transported to the hospital; the first victim for drug overdose and a broken ankle, and the second for a broken arm and possible cracked rib.

The other victims stood around or sat on the concrete floor, nursing their cuts, bruises, sprains and strains. Johnny yelled into Roy's ear as they packed up their gear, "Isn't it something that these drunks and druggies can walk away from something like this with only scrapes, when sober people would be all smashed up?"

Roy nodded and yelled back, "Yeah, doesn't seem fair, does it?"

Dixie saw them when they arrived at the hospital. "Yuck," she grimaced, "What on earth have you two been doing?"

"Pardon?" said Roy, putting his hand to his ear, "I'm sorry, I can't hear you."

"You stink!" she added. "Bleah! Get away from my station; I'm afraid you'll smell it up!" Johnny grinned and went to lean on the counter but Dixie grabbed her files away so he wouldn't come into contact with them. "You should be ashamed of yourselves!"

Johnny spread his hands wide and said, "Just doin' our job, Dix."

"Well, do it somewhere else, and get away from me. And get cleaned up!" she called to them as they walked away, only to be herded by Dr Brackett into a treatment room. He pronounced that they had mild intoxication from second-hand smoke, and recommended that they take the rest of their shift off.

"We really don't know how much of your judgment is impaired. Although you may feel fine, it would be better to play it safe. And it would be good for you to have your hearing fully restored, which may also take a few hours"

Roy and Johnny just grinned at him. "Whatever you say, Doc," replied Roy.

Johnny cupped his ear and said, "Pardon?" Kelly sighed, and shook his head at them.


	13. Chapter 13

13

It was one of the hardest runs they had ever done, but it was always harder when children were involved. The call came about an eight year old girl who had deliberately cut her arms. She refused to speak or look at anyone.

It was really hard on Roy, whose daughter was only slightly older than the little girl. They tried to treat her wounds but she howled like an animal when they tried to touch her. No amount of consolation helped. Her mother was hysterical and her father wanted her locked up in a psychiatric ward.

The paramedics bandaged her arms the best way they could, while she thrashed and howled, but when they placed her on the stretcher and put the straps on to hold her still, she became rigid as a board and stared straight ahead, not speaking or making a sound.

Jane was called by Dr Early after he, Dr Morton, and Dixie had all tried to talk to the little girl. Her name was Sarah, and she held on tightly to the teddy bear Roy had given her in the ambulance, but would not make eye contact or let anyone touch her arms. If they tried, she just howled and thrashed again.

Jane heard her from the hallway as she came upon Johnny and Roy waiting outside the treatment room. Roy was looking very upset. He said to Jane, "What has been done to that poor kid that she's like this? She's just a little girl!"

Johnny touched his arm. "Careful there, Roy, her parents are over there talking to Morton." He nodded his head towards the waiting area.

Roy lowered his voice. "Find out for me, Jane. I know I'm not supposed to be involved, but…"

"But sometimes you can't help it. I know, Roy. I just hope I can do something. She sounds pretty distressed." He nodded, and he and Johnny walked towards the entrance.

Jane pushed open the door and went inside. Dr Early touched her shoulder and said, "We need some of your magic here, Jane. Dixie will stay with you. Somehow I think that the fewer men around right now, the better."

Jane looked at the girl now lying rigidly on the examining table, her eyes staring at the ceiling, clutching the bear as if it were a life preserver. Jane asked Dixie, "Would it be possible to have some paper and crayons brought in?" Dixie looked surprised, but then stuck her head outside the door and motioned to a nurse to come over, and relayed the request to her.

Jane watched Sarah carefully as they waited for the paper and crayons to arrive. She didn't try to touch her, although she could see blood seeping out from the bandages on her arms, and realized her cuts were quite deep and needed quick treatment.

"Sarah, my name is Jane. I'm not a nurse, I'm not a doctor. I help people who are having a hard time." There was no response from Sarah, but Jane thought she was listening very carefully.

"I'm going to tell you what I see right now." Sarah picked at the fur of the teddy bear with two fingers, still staring at the ceiling.

"I see a little girl named Sarah. She is lying on her back, and holding a teddy bear. She has bandages on her arms, because she has some cuts that hurt."

Jane leaned in a little closer to Sarah. "But I can see that there is a bigger hurt than even her arms that no one is looking at." Sarah's eyes drifted from the ceiling and briefly, tentatively, looked at Jane, then looked away quickly. The nurse returned with the crayons and paper and gave them to Dixie. Jane asked her to put them on the rolling table and to bring it beside the bed.

"I'm going to draw a picture, Sarah. I think I will use red." Jane scribbled rapidly on the paper with the red crayon. "This is what I think the hurt on your arms looks like, Sarah. It's big and red and messy." She showed the drawing to the child, who looked at it, looked at Jane, and then tentatively sat up. Dixie drew a breath from the other side of the room.

"But there is another hurt, that's even bigger and messier than the ones on your arms. What color should I use to draw that hurt?"

Jane might have been talking to herself, or to Sarah, it was impossible to tell, but to Dixie's surprise and relief, it was Sarah who said in a small voice, "Purple." Jane took out the purple crayon from the box.

She took another piece of paper and said to Sarah, "Would you like to draw it, or do you want me to draw what I think I see?" Sarah looked at Jane and nodded once. "Okay, this is what I think I see, but you will have to tell me if I'm right."

Jane took the purple crayon and began making heavy, dark circles on the page, going over and over the same areas again and again. Sarah said in a slightly stronger voice, "Bigger."

"Okay," said Jane and made the circles take up more of the page. "How's this, Sarah?"

"More purple."

"Hmmm. And should I cover up this area too?"

Sarah nodded and reached for the paper. "And here and here and here." She began pointing to the places that were white and asking Jane to color them in. In a minute the whole page was a mess of purple. Sarah nodded. "Like that."

Jane took the purple picture and put it underneath the red one. "Sarah, is this what your hurt is like? A big messy red on top and a huge purple everything underneath?" Sarah nodded again and a tear came down her cheek.

Jane looked her in the eye. "Sarah, would you be okay with the doctors treating the messy red hurts so that we can help the big purple one to get better too?" Sarah looked at Jane, contemplating. Jane continued, "Once we help the red one, then it won't be hiding the purple hurt anymore, and we can help that one too."

Sarah said, "Will you stay with me?" and Jane replied, "Of course. Can I tell the doctors it's okay to come in and treat your arms now?"

Sarah said, "Yes," and Dixie went to get Dr Early.

Jane stayed beside Sarah while her arms were being cleaned and stitched up. Soon she was properly bandaged and had some medication for pain and anxiety, and in a few minutes Jane could see that she was physically relaxing.

"Sarah, when you are ready, would you like to tell me about the purple hurt?"

Sarah looked at Jane. "It's a secret, can I tell?"

"There are some secrets we shouldn't tell, Sarah; happy ones like a surprise birthday treat or if your friend likes a boy in your class." Sarah nodded.

Jane continued, "But there are other secrets that we should tell, Sarah. Any secret that makes you feel bad or sad inside, you can tell, in fact you should tell, to an adult that you trust." Sarah held the teddy tight to her chest. She shrugged. "Is your secret one that makes you feel happy or bad or sad, Sarah?"

Sarah looked down at her feet. "Bad," she said in a very small voice.

"I think it might make you feel better if you told it then, what do you think?"

"Can I tell it to you?"

"If you like, but I might have to tell it to someone else too, so that the bad part will stop."

Sarah wouldn't say anything but just looked at Dr Early warily. "Would you like Dr Early to leave before you say your secret, Sarah?" asked Jane.

Sarah nodded, and he nodded back at her and said, "If you want me to come back, just ask," and left the room.

Sarah sighed deeply. She looked at Jane, then at Dixie, and back at Jane again. "My uncle Ted hurts me sometimes."

Jane looked at Dixie and Dixie said, "I'll go get a tape recorder."

Jane told Sarah, "We're going to use a tape machine and record what you are going to say, so we can remember it, because it's important."

"Will it stop the purple hurt?"

"I believe it might, Sarah."

* * *

The next day, Jane slept in. She was physically exhausted from her afternoon with Sarah, and from the emotional strain of what she had revealed. There was something nagging at her, like the beginnings of a tooth ache, only it wasn't in her tooth but in her mind. Rose was fussing in her bedroom, and Jane had to drag herself to get up and deal with her.

Rose was just over two years old, and had beautiful light brown hair with red highlights that curled all over her head. When she saw her mommy she grinned, and showed the exact same dimples as Johnny. Jane laughed and grabbed her in a big hug and twirled around with her as she giggled and squealed.

They were out doing some errands, and dropped by the station as Rose wanted to see who was there. The squad was out on a run, but Rose wanted to go in anyway. "Unca Cap! Unca Cap!" she called as she toddled into the kitchen and Captain Stanley came from his office to pick her up and tickle her chin. She laughed and threw her arms around his neck. Marco and Chet wandered in, and she batted her eyes at them and then blew a raspberry. Jane had followed her in and shook her head.

"To what do we owe this visit?" asked the captain.

"Rose. She's incorrigible. She has this thing for firemen, and she's only two. I dread to think of her teenage years."

"I think she has great taste!" said Johnny, who had just arrived. Rose squirmed and reached for him. "My daddy! My daddy!"

"As if anyone else would want him," Chet muttered and Jane frowned at him. "Sorry, Jane, it's just a habit."

Rose hugged and kissed all the men goodbye, and blew Chet another raspberry. "Good girl!" said Johnny, while his wife mock glared at him and then grinned, shaking her head again. Rose then let Johnny carry her back out to the car.

Roy came over to Jane and asked, "How's that little girl we brought in the other day?"

"Oh, Roy, it's such a sad story. But I believe she is going to be all right now that she's finally talking about what happened to her."

"Are the police involved?"

"They will be, if they haven't been contacted already. It looks like this will be a court case."

"Will you have to testify?"

"Probably, as I'm the person she opened up to, but Dixie was there too, so I wouldn't be alone."

"I can't understand how someone can hurt a child like that. I've seen more than my share of it over the years, but I can never get used to it."

Jane put her hand on his arm. "I know. But thank goodness there are men like you around to rescue these little ones, and who care enough to keep doing it."

"Thanks, Jane; hope to see you again soon."

"Take care, Roy."


	14. Chapter 14

14

Jane was trapped. She was caught in an evil place and she couldn't escape, couldn't call out. She tried to scream, tried to run, but could make no sound, no movement.

Johnny woke up to her whimpering beside him, and reached over to wake her, but she recoiled and yelled when he touched her softly. "Jane, Jane, wake up, you're having a nightmare!" Jane was disoriented and then started sobbing. He asked her to tell him about it, but she couldn't remember anything, just sobbed in his arms.

* * *

John turned to Roy as they came back from a run. "Roy, do you know anything about dreams?"

"Dreams? Like interpretations or something?"

"No, like nightmares, recurring ones."

"Are you having bad dreams, Johnny? Something on your conscience?"

"No, it's nothing to do with me. And what do you mean, do I have something on my conscience? My conscience is fine, thank you very much."

Roy chuckled. "Sorry, Johnny, I couldn't resist. So who's having recurring nightmares? Rose?"

"No, actually, it's Jane. It's been happening more and more frequently, too."

"What kind of nightmares?"

"That's just it; she doesn't remember anything when she wakes up. She just freaks out and has a hard time coming out of it."

"I really don't know anything about that kind of nightmare, Johnny. Perhaps you should ask Brackett or somebody."

"Yeah, maybe. I'll think about it."

* * *

Jane was sleeping badly a lot of the time now, and she was startling at noises. Sometimes when Rose cried, it was as if a knife was going through her head and she would stand there, looking at her and crying too, unable to move.

After Johnny talked to Brackett, Dr Early went over to the chapel annex where Jane had her desk to speak with her.

"What's going on, Jane? Your husband is concerned that you're not sleeping well and having a lot of bad dreams."

Jane sighed. "I am, but I can never remember them. I don't like what's happening to me, either, but I don't know what it is or how to stop it."

"When did the dreams start? Can you remember that?"

"I think it was a few nights after I did that intervention with the little girl who cut herself."

"Sarah?"

"Yes. I remember thinking about her, and wondering what was going to happen with her…" she stopped talking and looked off into space.

"And? Jane?... Jane!"

She took a deep breath and looked at Dr Joe. "I'm sorry; I forgot what I was saying."

"Hmm. Well, I think we should talk some more, but I have somewhere else I need to be right now. I'd like you to come in with Johnny in the next few days. Start keeping a journal of when you have those dreams and anything that you can remember about them, even if it's just what you were feeling at the time. Can you do that?"

"Of course, Dr Joe. No problem."

* * *

Jane put a journal beside their bed, with a pen and a flashlight. Johnny looked at them skeptically. "If you can't remember, how's this supposed to help?"

"Dr Joe asked me to write down my feelings, sensations, and things like that. It's like being a detective. We're looking for clues." Abruptly she turned to Johnny and held him close.

"What's this?" he asked.

"I don't know, but suddenly I'm scared."

"There's nothing to be afraid of. I'm right here." She buried her face in his shoulder. They both remembered what happened more than two years previously, when they thought they had lost each other.

* * *

'If you can't remember…' for some reason these words went round and round in Jane's head as she was trying to fall asleep. There must be some reason I can't remember…maybe I don't want to remember…maybe there's a good reason…

She was stuck, in a dark place, something hurt, she was afraid, Sarah was there, the little girl from the hospital….No, no, no she whimpered, it couldn't be true, it couldn't be…

She woke up and looked at the clock beside the bed. It was four am. Despite the hour and the way she was feeling, she got out of bed and went into the living room with her journal and her pen. Her heart was racing. "Fine. That's a sensation. I'll write it down." She remembered that somehow Sarah was in her dream. She wrote that down. She calmed her breathing and checked her body for other sensations. Sick. I feel sick to my stomach, she thought. She checked again. Fear. Of what? No, no, no. Not going there. What else? She felt so tired, so very tired…

Johnny found her curled up asleep on the floor of the living room with her journal on the table when he got up to get ready for work. He picked it up and read: "Heart racing, Sarah, sick, Fear, Tired…" Oh, Jane, he thought. What on earth is going on with you?

* * *

Jane wasn't going to be needed to give testimony in court about Sarah – after the girl had spoken with Jane, she was able to talk with the investigating police officer and the information she gave then, with the tape recording, was enough for them to charge the man Sarah called 'Uncle Ted'. Sarah's tape would be played instead of her having to say it all again, and the police officer's testimony would be sufficient, said the prosecutor. Jane and Dixie were relieved, both for themselves and for little Sarah.


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter 15

Jane was at home watching the midday news and ironing while Rose played with her dollies on the floor, when the newscaster said, "Today, in criminal court, a former art teacher was charged with sexual interference of a child. The man, Ted Sloan, sixty five, has been offering private art lessons in the community for many years."

Jane stopped ironing and looked at the photo of the man. She felt dizzy, like she was floating away…Uncle Ted…art teacher…she put the iron down and mechanically shut it off. She felt so disconnected, but she knew she had to do something, make Rose safe, before whatever was threatening to break on her crashed down…she couldn't think. She needed to call someone, but she couldn't remember who to call. Rose noticed that something wasn't right. "Mommy? Mommy sick? Mommy? Call Daddy?"

That's right, she should call Johnny…but she couldn't move, couldn't think…how long she stayed like that, she didn't know. Rose moved in and out of the room, talking to her, getting her things that she thought would help, bringing her blankie, and tucking it around her mother, bringing her sippy cup with water in it to drink, even giving her mother Tony Bear and pushing him into the corner of Jane's arm, which lay strangely lifeless on the couch beside her…

Jane was in two places at the same time. In one place, she was a mother, with a loving daughter taking care of her, while the television droned in the background. In another place, she was a small child, and Uncle Ted, a younger Uncle Ted than on the news but still the same man, was talking to her, telling her she was a bad girl but that he loved her and that he would never tell her parents how bad she was for what she had done, that it would be their secret, and that she should never ever tell…

The phone rang. It was Johnny calling to see how his girls were doing. Rose answered the phone. "Daddy! My daddy! Mommy sick."

Jane could hear John say, "Let me talk to her."

"But Daddy, Mommy sick."

She wished with all her heart that she could reach out and take the phone from Rose and tell him what was happening, but she couldn't move, she was trapped, trapped in two times, and the past was stronger than the present. The news came on again. She found the strength to take the phone from Rose. "John," she croaked, "It's him. The news. Uncle Ted. I know him."

At the station, John signaled for Marco to turn on the TV. He was still on the phone with Jane, and he watched as the item from the noon news was repeated. Jane was looking at the TV too. Images started flooding into her mind, faster than she could process them, and she started to shake uncontrollably.

Rose took the phone that Jane had dropped and said in a small voice, "Daddy, I scared. Mommy sick."

Roy saw the look on Johnny's face and came over to ask him what was wrong. "Jane. Something to do with this guy Ted Sloan on the news. Rose says she's sick." He looked at Roy. "I don't know what to do. What should I do, Roy?"

Roy took the phone from Johnny. "Hello?"

It was Rose who answered him. "Hi."

"Rosie, this is Uncle Roy. Where is your mommy?"

"Sick."

"What is she doing, Rose?"

"Caking."

"Do you mean shaking?"

"I scared. I gaved her Tony Bear an' sippy cup an' bankie."

Roy looked at Johnny. "Do you want to call this in?"

Johnny looked at him with his eyes wide. "I don't know. I just don't know. I don't know what's happening."

"I think we should call this in, and you can meet them at the hospital."

John looked away from Roy. "I can't believe this is happening." He threw up his hands. "Sure, yes, call it in. I'll go."

"Rose, honey, pass the phone to your mommy," said Roy.

"Okay," she said. "Mommy, Mommy, Unca Roy." Roy couldn't hear anything except the TV drone in the background, but he assumed that the phone was near enough to Jane for her to hear him.

"Jane, we're going to call a squad and an ambulance to come pick you up. Johnny will meet you at the hospital. Don't worry, someone will be there soon. Rose?" He heard the phone shift and Rose's voice came on again.

"Mommy cry."

"It will be okay, Rose. Some paramedic friends of ours will be coming soon and take care of you and your mommy. And your daddy and I will see you at the hospital."

"Grampa Joe?"

"Yes, sweetheart, Grandpa Joe. Hang up now, please."

"Bye, bye."

He hung up the phone and went to the office to talk to Captain Stanley. "Jane's not well, and we're going to call it in and meet her and Rose at the hospital, if that's okay, Cap."

"Of course, no problem, Roy." He rose from his chair and came around to follow Roy. "I hope it's nothing serious. Take the squad, and if things are okay, you can call in your availability from the hospital."

"I will let you know what's happening as soon as I can." He met Johnny and they climbed into the squad. John was looking out the window and chewing on his knuckles as Roy drove the familiar route to Rampart General. Roy had to keep checking that he was keeping his speed down, as he wasn't driving for a call, although it certainly felt like they were on a run.

"Say Roy, do you think this 'sickness' is related to Jane's nightmares?"

"I have no idea, Johnny, but I wouldn't be surprised."

"I'm trying to remember if I know anything about this guy Ted Sloan."

Roy gripped the steering wheel more tightly, his eyes grim. "I remember him. We never met him, but he's the reason that sweet little girl cut her arms all to pieces, and cried like a trapped animal when we tried to touch her. If Jane remembers him, it's bad."

"Oh, my God. That's the same guy?"

"From what I can tell, according to what you told me Jane said. And didn't she tell you that this all started after she met with Sarah at the hospital?" Johnny looked like he felt sick. They didn't say anything more during their drive.

Jane and Rose arrived around the same time as Johnny and Roy, and Rose dropped the hand of the paramedic who was leading her in, and ran to her father. "My daddy!"

John scooped her up in his arms, and went over to the stretcher with his wife on it. "Hey, Jane," he said gently, as he reached out to touch her hand.

"John," she said in a small voice. "I'm so sorry. I don't know what's happening to me."

Dr Brackett came out into the hallway and directed the ambulance attendants to take her to Treatment 3. He nodded to Roy, "Can you take Rose?"

"Sure, no problem, Doc. C'mere Rosie, let's go see who we can find." He reached out to take her from Johnny's arms.

"Grampa Joe?" she asked, holding onto his neck.

"I don't know; let's go and look." He gave his partner a worried look over Rose's shoulder, and then nodded to Jane. "You're in the right place now, and you're going to be fine."

She gave him a weak smile back. "That's your strength, Roy; you always say that like you really mean it."

He raised his eyebrows. "I do, and it's true. See you."

"Yeah, see you, Roy," replied Johnny.

Kelly sighed, frowned, and put his stethoscope back around his neck. "Physically, you're fine, Jane. There's nothing wrong with you."

She gave a slight nod. "I knew that. But these thoughts in my head, these images, the feelings I'm feeling…Dr Brackett, is it possible that I'm going crazy? That somehow I've taken what I heard from Sarah and made it my own?"

He shook his head. "You're not crazy, Jane, that's for sure. You do appear to be traumatized, and whether that's from what you learned from Sarah or something else, we have to find out." He frowned and shook his head slightly. "But, I'm sorry to say, my guess is that this is from something else."

She started to shake a little bit, and Johnny reached out to hold onto her shoulder. "It's okay, Jane. Whatever this is, we'll deal with it. You'll be fine."

She smiled at him tremulously. "You've got the best bedside manner."

Kelly cleared his throat. "Yes. What I'd like to do, Jane, is have you talk with someone from psychiatry, if that's okay."

Johnny looked alarmed. "I thought you said she definitely wasn't crazy?"

"Yes, I did say that. Psychiatrists have a bad reputation in our culture, Johnny, but they do good work. They are specially trained to help people deal with psychological trauma, which is what we have here, I believe."

Johnny took a deep breath and gave a little shake of his head. "I'm not sure about this, Doc," but Jane reached out and touched his hand.

"Whatever you recommend, Dr Brackett. I just want to get over whatever this is as quickly as possible, so I can be with my family again." Kelly nodded, and went out to make arrangements.

Dixie popped her head in. "Hello, there! What's going on here? Not another pregnancy?" She smiled at the couple.

Johnny raised his eyebrows. "Could it be that?" He looked at Jane. "Could you be pregnant and this is just a weird symptom?"

She shook her head. "No, I'm not pregnant. And this is definitely not a symptom of that!"

Dixie leaned on the upper portion of the gurney, which was propped up for Jane to sit up. "So, anybody want to tell me what's going on?"

Jane looked at her friend. "We're not sure. I had some sort of a…I don't know what to call it…" she looked at Johnny, but he just shook his head and shrugged his shoulders.

Dixie raised her eyebrows and looked questioning.

"I've been having a lot of nightmares. Ever since we met with the little girl, Sarah." Dixie shuddered. "Yeah, me too. Well, this morning there was the news item about a Ted Sloan being charged in court and I knew it was Sarah's Uncle Ted."

Dixie pursed her lips together tightly. "Go on."

"I was watching it while Rose was playing…" Jane drifted off, her eyes unfocused and wide, her breathing quickening, and her hands clenching the sheet on the examining table.

Johnny became alarmed, and looked at Dixie. "It's happening again, Dix!"

"I'll get Kell!" she said and rushed out of the room.

Johnny told hold of Jane's hand and squeezed it. "It's okay. You're safe. You're here with me. Come back. Wherever you are, come back."

Jane sighed deeply and looked at her husband's concerned eyes. "I don't know what happened there." She looked around the room. "Where's Dixie?"

"She's gone to get Brackett. You drifted off somewhere, Jane. It was a bit freaky."

"Johnny, I just had a thought. If there really is something haunting me from my past, Sue might know about it. She's only a couple of years younger than me."

Johnny nodded. "That's possible. So what do you want me to do?"

"Would you be able to talk to her? Maybe go and see her and ask her…"

"Ask her what?"

Jane sighed. "I don't know. Perhaps the doctors can tell us."

Dixie came back in with Kelly in tow. He came up to Jane and said "What's this I hear about you having another episode?"

"She was talking about watching the news, and then she just left; it was like she went somewhere else."

"And it didn't look like a good place, either," added Dixie.


	16. Chapter 16

16

Dr Strong sat in a chair beside his desk, with Jane sitting nervously in another chair a bit off to one side. "I find that sitting behind my desk puts too much distance between me and the person I'm talking with," he smiled. Jane wrung her hands nervously in her lap. He leaned forward a little bit. "I understand that Dr Early told you to keep a dream journal, and to practice your detective skills when all this first started." Jane nodded. "Well, then, can you share with me some of the clues you've found?" Jane took a deep breath, and her hands went from her lap to grip the sides of her chair. "It's okay, Jane. We won't go faster than what you are comfortable with, I promise."

Jane nodded and began. "It was like something switched on in my head after I spoke with a little girl who had been abused."

"What do you feel the 'switch' might have been?"

"Uncle Ted," she said without hesitation.

"What other clues have you found?" he asked.

"It just all felt so familiar, like I was living what Sarah, the little girl, had lived. That we were superimposed on each other, somehow." She gave a slight laugh. "I guess that does sound crazy, doesn't it?"

"Not to me. Tell me more about the clues."

She gave a rueful grin. This doctor was tough, and refused, very nicely of course, to be sidetracked. "Other clues…what I wrote in my dream journal, I guess, about being really tired, and feeling sick, and…" Her eyes unfocused and she became very still, her breathing quickening and her hands gripping the sides of her chair.

"Jane," asked Dr Strong very gently, "where are you now?" There was no response. He tried more firmly. "Jane." She blinked and looked at the doctor. "I would like to suggest something to you. Have you ever heard of hypnosis?"

She frowned. "You mean like in magic shows?"

"No, what I'm talking about is a form of therapeutic intervention that sometimes helps when people are blocked from being able to look at important things in their memories. We sometimes use it with accident victims and there has been some good success in helping relieve symptoms in war veterans. I think you might be a good candidate for it. What do you say?"

"I don't know."

"You can talk it over with Dr Brackett and Dr Early if you'd like, and by all means discuss it with your husband." He stood, indicating that their time was up. "Let me know what you decide, and I'll set something up for us once I hear back from you." She rose and followed him to the door. "I hope to hear from you soon," he said as he smiled at her again.

* * *

"Hypnosis?' cried Johnny. "What kind of a quack treatment is that?"

"Dr Strong really seemed to think it would help me, and Dr Early would like me to try it. Dr Brackett asked that if I agree to do it, could he be there."

"Huh. Well, if Brackett and Early say it's a good idea…"

Jane gave him a quick hug. "I'm such a trial to you, Johnny."

He grunted. "I don't think so, and even if you were, you're worth it."

"What do you mean?"

He took her into his arms and kissed her forehead. "Well, the way I look at it, you're my Ferrari."

She pulled away slightly so she could look at his face. "I'm your what?"

"My Ferrari. Beautiful to look at, really fun to drive…" He tickled her a bit and she laughed and grabbed his hands. "…but spends a lot of time in the garage, and getting parts is a real hassle." She began trying to tickle him back, but he laughed and got away, and then grabbed her from behind and lifted her into the air.

She squealed, "Put me down, you cave man!" and he threw her over his shoulder and carried her into the bedroom, tossing her onto the bed.

"Me cave man, you Jane." She held out her arms to him and he fell into them.

* * *

The squad pulled up in front of the bungalow, and LAPD patrolman Vince was waiting to greet them at the door. "Glad to see you guys. We've got a situation here."

"What's up?"

"Thirteen year old daughter called in that her mother was suicidal. When I got here, she had barricaded herself in the bedroom. She has a butcher knife."

Johnny was carrying the biophone and drug box. "Is she still there?"

"Yeah."

"What about the girl?" asked Roy.

"She's in the kitchen with her little sister, who's in a bad way."

"What's up with her?"

"She's huddled in the corner by the stove, and she won't move or talk to anyone."

Johnny looked at Roy. "What's your call?"

"You take the kitchen, I'll try the woman in the bedroom."

"Right."

Roy asked Vince for the woman's name. "Mrs Yarley. Older girl's name is Anita, younger one is called Joanne."

Roy commented, "That's my wife's name." He knocked on the bedroom door. "Mrs. Yarley? My name is Roy DeSoto. I'm a fireman paramedic with LA County. May I speak to you please?" There was no reply from inside the bedroom. "Did you see her before she locked herself in here, Vince?"

"No; apparently she came in here as soon as she realized that her daughter had called the police."

"Have you spoken with her at all?"

Vince shook his head. "I just got here a few minutes before you did, and I was getting information from the older girl when you pulled up."

Roy nodded, and tried again. "Mrs. Yarley? I need to talk with you. If you don't open the door, I will have to open it. Do you understand me?" He thought he heard a sound from inside the room, but he couldn't tell what it was. Roy looked at Vince. "I'm gonna have to break in." Vince agreed, and offered to open the door. Roy called out, "We're coming in now!" and Vince kicked the door with all his might, while Roy pushed with his shoulder.

The woman was lying across the bed, with an empty bottle of pills beside her, and an empty bottle of scotch on the floor beside the bed. The knife was still in her limp right hand, and her left wrist was bloody. As he rushed in, he called out for his partner, "Johnny! I need you here, now!" His feet hit something under the bed that clinked. "Vince, is an ambulance on the way?"

Vince was already on the phone. "Doing that now, Roy." Johnny arrived with the equipment, and immediately started opening everything up. Anita had followed him and was standing in the doorway, watching the paramedics impassively.

Roy reported the woman's vital signs to Johnny, and he wrote them down, as he called Rampart at the same time. "Mrs Yarley? Can you hear me?" Roy checked for pain response, and got a groan from the woman.

"Are you able to administer activated charcoal, 51?" It was Mike Morton manning the center.

"Negative, Rampart." Johnny reported to Rampart that the victim was stuporous, and possibly hypoxic.

Vince turned to Anita. "Why don't you come with me, and we'll go see your sister, okay?"

Anita shook her head. "She's crazy. They're both crazy."

Vince persevered. "Do you have any idea why your mother might have done this?"

Anita shrugged. "She's been drinking all the time since she threw my dad out."

"When was this?"

"About a year ago."

"A year?"

Anita nodded. "I'm tired of taking care of both of them." For the first time, some emotion showed on her face. "I'm so tired. I can't do it anymore." Johnny glanced over at the teenager, and wished there was something he could do to help this kid. Rampart ordered an intubation, electrocardiogram, and IV D5W for her mother. After checking the strip, Dr Morton pressed the talk button: "51, administer .5 mg atropine transport as soon as possible." The ambulance pulled up outside and Anita wandered away from the doorway, and into the kitchen.

Roy said to Johnny, "What is the status of the girl in the kitchen? Do we need to go deal with her, too?"

Johnny nodded, as they helped load Mrs Yarley onto the stretcher. "I think so."

"Can you do that? Should we get her into this ambulance too or call another one?"

"Call another one – I didn't have enough time to really see what was going on with her, and this lady doesn't have any extra time."

Roy nodded. "See you at Rampart." As he packed up, his foot hit something again that clinked, and he checked quickly under the bed. There were boxes and bags of empty scotch bottles, filling the space underneath. He estimated there may have been more than thirty bottles stashed there. Whoa.

"Yeah, see you. Vince, can you call us another ambulance?"

Roy left, and Anita didn't even watch her mother go. Johnny came into the kitchen. The younger girl, Joanne, hadn't moved from where she was crouched beside the stove. Johnny approached her cautiously. "Hey there, sweetheart, what's going on?" She looked up at him with wild eyes. Then he noticed the palms of her hands…they were bright red and blistered in a pattern, as if they had been placed on hot stove elements. He gently reached out and took one of them in his own. "Can you tell me what happened, honey?"

It was Anita who answered, in a flat voice. "Mom did it. She didn't like the way Joanne was doing the dishes." The girl was barely seven years old. Oh my God, he thought. No wonder the mother tried to kill herself. He asked Vince to bring over his equipment, and began treating the traumatized child. "I'm gonna put something on your burns that will help them feel better, okay?"

* * *

At the hospital, Anita stood in the waiting area, while her mother was being treated in one emergency room and her sister in another. Jane came over to talk with her. "Let's go get something from the cafeteria." Anita followed Jane without looking at her or reacting in any way. Jane asked her if she liked chocolate. Anita nodded. "I'm going to get you some hot chocolate to drink. You look a little chilly. Are you okay with that?" Anita shrugged.

Jane got two hot chocolates and sat down at a table in the corner with Anita. She waited a moment and then asked, "It's hard being the mom when you're only a kid, isn't it?" Anita's eyes filled with tears,, but she stoically held them in. Jane said softly, "It's okay to cry, you know. It's sad, and it hurts. That's what tears are for." Anita then began to sob, and Jane brought her chair over beside the girl, and put her arm around her shoulder. She didn't say anything to her, just let her know that she was physically there.

Anita gulped and blew her nose on a napkin. "I just can't do it anymore. I don't know how to help my mom, or protect my sister."

Jane nodded. "I guess it feels like it's your job to take care of them, since your mom is too sick to do it, and your sister is so young."

Anita nodded too. She looked at Jane with sadness and maturity beyond her years. "But it's not really my job, is it? I'm still a kid."

Jane looked compassionately at the teen. "You're right. It's not your job, it's an adult's." She moved her arm from around Anita's shoulders, and touched her hand. "I can help you find the adults who can help you take care of your family." Anita stiffened involuntarily, and Jane continued kindly, "I understand you want to stay with your mother and your sister. And we will do whatever we can to help that happen. But I think your mom needs to have some medical care for a while, and your sister is really hurt – not just her hands, but her spirit as well. She's going to need extra care for awhile too. And, wouldn't it be nice to have someone take care of you for a bit instead of you taking care of everyone else?"

Anita nodded, but said, "I feel that I'm letting them down."

"Remember what you just told me, Anita. It's not your job to be the adult. It's your job to be a teenager, because that's what you really are. And right now, you need to do that job. By doing what you need to do, you can be the best help to your mother and sister – you can show them how you take care of yourself. You won't be feeling like you have nothing left all the time, and you can start to build up within yourself what you need. Does that make sense?"

Anita sighed. "I think so."

"Tell me in your own words."

"I need to take care of myself and be a normal teenager, so my mother and sister can see that it's possible to take care of themselves, too. That way I'll be stronger, and they can get stronger too."

Jane smiled at the girl. "I think you're pretty wise. I believe you can do this. Other people care about you and your family and are willing to help. And I'll be here if you need someone to listen. "


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter 17

Dr Brackett was there with Johnny when Jane lay down on the couch in Dr Strong's office for the hypnosis session. Kelly asked Jane, "You sure you don't mind me being here? Or Johnny?"

Jane shook her head. "I'm sure I don't mind. It would drive Johnny nuts if he wasn't here, and we don't need two crazy people in the house…" Johnny snorted, but Jane shook her head and smiled at him and then looked at Kelly. "Anything that helps me, helps us, and if it helps you too, Dr Brackett, well, then that's just a bonus."

Dr Strong motioned for the two men to sit in chairs on one side of the room, out of Jane's line of vision. He drew his chair up beside the couch and smiled at her. "This is really all about relaxation and being calm. I'm going to teach you how to notice your breathing, how it flows in and out, and how to feel that relaxation as it begins to flow through you…" "….and now, in about a minute, I'm going to tell you to wake up, and you will remember what we have talked about, but it won't distress you. It will be as if you read it in a book. Okay, Jane, it's time to wake up."

She blinked and opened her eyes, then looked over at Dr Strong. "I remember."

"What do you remember, Jane?"

"I did know Ted Sloan when I was a child. My parents hired him to give my sister and me private art lessons. He was very charismatic, and had them completely fooled." She looked up at him with wonder, and then sat up. "I was about Sarah's age. It lasted for a year. At first it was just about art and appreciating human beauty…he used to say I had hair like sunshine…" She touched her hair. "After he began to abuse me, I took scissors and cut chunks out of my hair, just to spite him. My mother thought I was trying to play hairdresser…"

Dr Brackett shook Dr Strong's hand. "Thank you very much for allowing me to sit in on this." He turned to Jane and Johnny, who were standing in the middle of the room with their arms around each other. "And thank you both, also. It means an awful lot to me to know that you trusted me enough to have me here."

Dr Strong opened the door to his office. "And? What do you think now?"

"It's fascinating. I'd really like to read some of the literature on this procedure with regards to repressed memories, and why it is so effective…" The two men walked down the hall, talking about research articles and initiatives.

"Now what?" asked Johnny, keeping his arm around Jane's waist as they walked down the hall way.

She stopped and looked at him. "His court case is coming up soon. Do you think I should talk to a lawyer or a policeman?"

Johnny took her face in both his hands. "I want you to think about this very carefully, Jane. Going to a lawyer or talking to the police would mean that you would have to testify. And I don't think that they would let you go with a cassette tape like they are doing with little Sarah. Also, it's been quite a few years since this happened to you, they might give you a hard time about why you never said anything before now."

"But I didn't remember until now, Johnny! How could I have spoken up before?"

"You know what?" he said as he put his arm around her shoulder, and they started walking down the hall again, "...I think it's time we talked with your sister."

They had finished eating supper and Johnny was washing up some dishes while Jane was getting Rose into bed, when the whole house shook from an explosion. Jane ran down the hallway with Rose in her arms, calling for Johnny. He looked out the back window, saw flames leaping at least a couple of stories high in the adjacent backyard, and ran out of the house, yelling at Jane to call 911.

As he ran, he saw that a house was not on fire – but there was a man fully engulfed in flames staggering around in the back yard that touched on theirs. He leapt over the fence separating the backyards, and yelled to the man on fire, "Drop! Get down!" He looked at a woman standing in shock in the window of the house and called out, "Blanket! Now!" as he began to try and put out the flames with anything he could find. The woman ran over with a blanket and he rolled the man in it. The grass was burning in several places, and a gas can was lying beside a fire pit in the yard. By this time, all the neighbors were in their yards or on the street. Soon the sirens of a fire truck and squad were heard. Station 43 took over from John and he returned to the house as soon as things were under control.

Jane asked what had happened. Johnny shook his head in frustration. "So this guy decides that he's going to help his fire pit burn a little hotter, and pours gasoline on it – of course the flame caught the can, and BOOM!" He sighed.

"That's what shook the house? A gas can exploding? But the flames were so high!"

"Yeah, nothing like raw fuel in an enclosed space if you want a big bang."

"Is he going to be all right?"

Johnny was very serious. "He's alive, amazingly, but he probably has burns to thirty percent of his body."

"Oh, Johnny, that's terrible."

"Playing with fire usually is," he replied. "C'mon, let's get Rosie to bed; she's had more than enough excitement for tonight."

Sue looked at Jane and Johnny with surprise. They had just explained the reason for their visit and told her that Rose was staying with the DeSotos for a few days while they made this trip. Roy's daughter was thrilled to have her 'almost-cousin' staying with them, and she had great plans to take care of Rose that included all the activities she couldn't normally do with her brother. Sue smiled, and Jane's heart wrenched. It was such a shadow of the smile she used to have, before her injuries distorted her.

"I'm glad you are able to talk with us, Sue," began Johnny. He filled her in on some of the things that had been happening with Jane in the past few months, because Jane couldn't bring herself to talk about it easily. It felt like a raw, sore spot inside her heart, as well as an admission of weakness on her part. Sue looked very concerned,especially at the mention of Ted Sloan. She remembered him well.

"My p-poor sister," she said and held out her hand to Jane. Jane took it and squeezed it gently. "H- h –how can I h-help?" The compassion in Sue's eyes made Jane's eyes mist. Jane felt such love and sadness as she looked at her sister, trapped in her broken body. She felt guilty about troubling her with what seemed to be minor problems when Sue spent all day, every day, living a life she had never planned to have and could never change.

Johnny looked at her intently. "We need to know what you remember about this man, Ted Sloan. We need anything you can think of."

Sue thought about what Johnny had asked. It was clear from her face that she did have some memories, but then she said "T-t-take too long to say. W- write it. Then p-p-olice not h-hear my voice, make j-j-udg- m-ments."

"That's a good idea, Sue," said Johnny. "What do you need to write it down?"

Sue sighed. "T-take too long f-for you. F-find s-s-s-someone else."

Jane wished that she was strong and clear enough in her memories that she wouldn't need to have Sue possibly traumatized by the long-dead past. For Jane, it all felt like it had just happened, and she spent much of her time feeling like a young, violated child. It wasn't something she would wish anyone to feel.

Sue said to Jane, "P-l-lease, s-s-s-sit down." Jane pulled up a chair, and took her sister's hand as she sat. Johnny kissed the top of her head, and told the women that he was going to take a look around the hospital. Sue tilted her head and raised her eyebrows at Jane.

"He figures we need to talk face to face without someone else around," explained Jane.

Sue gave a small nod. "He s-seems l-l-like-k ….a g-g-g-good man."

Jane's eyes misted again, "He is. He's the best." Sue smiled, and squeezed Jane's hand. Jane took a deep breath, looked at her sister very closely, and asked with trepidation, "Sue, were you a victim too?"

Sue returned Jane's gaze steadily and gave a small confirming nod. "B-b-b-but not l-l-l-like...you."

Jane couldn't prevent a tear from coursing down her cheek. "Ah, and I never knew. Oh, Sue..."

Sue smiled sadly. "Y-y-y-y-ou kn-n-new. Y-y-y-ou pr-pr- otect – ed m-m-me. Y-y-y-ou f-f-forgot." They held hands and began to mourn together their lost childhood. It was like peeling away old scabs – painful and tender to touch, but freeing at the same time. Jane felt some of her pain lifting, as Sue confirmed Jane's nightmares were really memories.

Johnny and Jane walked hand in hand along the shore, with the waves caressing their bare feet. "Do you think I'm asking Sue to do too much?" Jane wondered.

"No, I think she's glad to be able to do this for you. I know you want to protect her, but she needs to give something to others too."

Jane hugged his arm. "How come you're so wise?"

"I have a natural talent." She laughed. Johnny continued in a mock offended voice, "Why are you laughing? I'm the wisest man you know!"

"And the most humble."

"That too." He grinned lopsidedly.

She turned to face him, holding his hands in front of her. "John Gage, I can never thank you enough for loving me. I can never tell you how much you mean to me. You have saved me, time and time again; in just as real a way as you have saved all those people you risk your life for, everyday."

"You're right. I'm amazing."

She smacked his arm lightly and playfully. "Can't you be serious?"

"Nah, it's more fun this way."

"You're right. Come on, I'll race you up the beach!"

"Hah! Only if I give you a head start! Go!"

The transcription of Sue's memories arrived a couple of weeks later, by registered mail. She had her scribe write in a note included with the package: "I'm sending it this way, so there is a legal record. Hope it helps, love Sue. PS When are you bringing Rose to see me?" Jane wished that she was capable emotionally to visit her sister without feeling guilty that she couldn't do more for her. She knew that her difficulty facing her sister's disability was keeping them apart more than it should be. Wouldn't it be ironic that something as horrific as remembering child abuse might end up increasing their contact with each other?

Jane waited until Johnny was home before opening the package because she was nervous about what she would find. They waited until Rose was asleep, and then sat beside each other on the couch, reading, with Jane passing him the pages as she finished each one. They didn't talk until the papers were all done. Then John turned to Jane and said, "Well."

Jane's eyes were wet, and she nodded. "I think I should contact the police tomorrow, and make a statement."

"I agree. If he's done this to you all those years ago, and to Sarah now, how many children have there been between you? We have to protect these kids somehow."

Jane sighed deeply. "I'll need your strength to get through this; I know I can't do it on my own."

"You have me, and Sue, and all our friends. We are all here for you."

"Then first thing tomorrow, I will go to the police station."

"I'm working tomorrow; do you want to wait?"

"No. Tomorrow should be easy. It's after that I'm worried about."

"It will be fine."

"You sound like Roy."

"Yeah, well, sometimes Roy can be right on."

"You too, you know."

"Yep, I know."

The police were very interested in her deposition, and asked for permission to talk to Dr Strong and Dr Early. They took the papers she received from Sue, and told her that they would contact her sister as well if they needed to do so. She was advised to contact a lawyer who could help her practice and understand the court proceedings, so that when her time came to testify she wouldn't be thrown off balance by the questioning.

When she met with the lawyer he helped her to understand that the defendant's lawyer would try to challenge her memory, sexual history, and integrity. Jane gritted her teeth. It was worth doing, for all the children she didn't know about whose lives had been hurt by this man, and especially for little Sarah. She was glad that the lawyer made her practice answering questions, because it helped to clarify in her mind what she remembered and why it was so important to state it simply.

The day of the court date came, and Jane arrived with Dixie. They were told to wait in a special prosecutor's room. Sarah and her mother and father were there, and although they nodded to Jane and Dixie, they seemed too nervous to talk with them. Jane gave Sarah a smile to give her courage and strength, and Jane felt her own resolve to do whatever was necessary increase within her.

"Why is Sarah here?" Dixie asked Jane.

"In case the lawyers want to ask her something. She can stay in here, and her answer will be recorded, but they need her nearby."

Dixie leaned in close to Jane. "And how are you doing?"

Jane gave a short laugh. "I'm absolutely terrified, but I am fully determined to do the right thing."

The evening news came on, and the men of Station 51 were gathered around the TV set. They all knew that Jane had been involved in a case from the hospital regarding a little girl who had been abused, because Roy had been so upset by the whole thing from the beginning. "Today, based on additional testimony of a surprise witness, former teacher Ted Sloan was sentenced to 8 years for child sexual abuse."

The men all cheered and high-fived each other. "That's my girl!" said Johnny. "Way to go, Jane!"

Captain Stanley came over to talk to Johnny afterward. John had confided in him that Jane had been a victim too, based on Roy's recommendation that the Cap should know in case Johnny needed to go support Jane. "You know, John, people talk about us as if we're the heroes, but I think that wife of yours is just as much a hero as anyone I've known."

"Me too, Cap, me too."


	18. Chapter 18

18

The men of Station 51 had their own way of dealing with the inherent stress of their job, and for Chet Kelly, that meant finding new ways of bugging Johnny. It gave him great pleasure to come up with something that would throw John off. Captain Stanley asked him why he did it. "Aw, c'mon Cap! You like seeing Johnny stumble just as much as I do! I'm doin' good for the whole team, here! Just you watch. Morale goes way up when I do my magic."

Hank shook his head as he walked away. "Whatever it is, someone has to clean it up! That's all I'll say." Chet rubbed his hands in glee. This was a great trick, and he was pretty sure Johnny hadn't seen it before and would fall for it. Marco watched intently as Chet set it up.

It was lunch time, and Chet's turn to set the table. He filled all the glasses with water half-way, and instructed the other guys to make sure Johnny sat at a particular seat. He took an empty folder from the captain's office and covered the top of one glass with it.

"Speed is of the essence, Marco. Watch this now." Then he very quickly flipped the glass over and set it upside down on the table with the folder underneath. Mike came over to watch too.

"Okay, now what?" asked Marco. Slowly, carefully, Chet removed the folder from underneath the glass. Mike chuckled, and Marco nodded in admiration.

"That's a pretty neat trick, Chet."

"So, how does he get the glass off the table without making a mess?"

Chet smiled evilly, touched the side of his nose, and winked.

When Roy and Johnny came in, lunch was all set up on the table, and Chet subtly maneuvered Roy to sit in another seat, so John's was the only one available. He sat down and started to talk about the run they had just had, when he noticed his glass. He looked at it, pushed his chair out and got his face down at eye level with it, and then looked up. "What the…? Who did this to my glass? How the heck am I supposed to drink from this?"

Chet was snickering and the other guys were grinning. Roy was impressed. "That's a good one." He started eating his lunch, and nodded to Chet. "You've been doing some research."

"Yeah, okay, it's good. But how am I going to drink my water? I can't get this off without it going everywhere!"

Chet smiled at his success. Hank said to Johnny, "Well, you can't leave it there, so you better figure it out."

Johnny sighed and got down at eye level with the glass again. "How'd you do it, Chet? C'mon, give me some help here!"

Chet just shook his head. "Nope. It's your problem now, John."

"Fine. Whatever. But I'm not cleaning this up when it spills."

"You know the rule, Johnny, we're all responsible for our cleaning up our own areas."

Johnny sighed in frustration. "Roy, got any ideas?"

"Nope, I'm just eating my lunch. You should too."

"Fat good you are." He grasped the glass carefully, and was trying to slide it along to the edge of the table, when the alarm bell rang, and his hand slipped, causing the water to splash all over the table. "Aw, now look!" he cried, as his shirt and pants got splattered and he stood up to go out to the squad.

The other men rose too, and Chet punched the air. "Yes!"

Hank called sharply "Gage!" and when he turned around, the captain pointed at the table. "You can't leave that. Throw a towel on it." Johnny raced over to the sink, grabbed a dish towel, and threw it over the spilled water, then raced out the door as the engine and squad revved up to leave.

* * *

Johnny told Jane about Chet's trick the next day and asked for her help to get him back. She had a few ideas. "When I was a freshman at college, we had to go through initiation. I don't know if you can use any of these ideas, but they were pretty effective back then."

"What'cha got? I'm ready to do just about anything. I can't let him get away with this – not again."

Jane chuckled. She looked over at Rose, busy with her toys, and sat down with John at the table conspiratorially. "Chicken stock cube in the shower head, so when he takes a shower, he's washing in chicken soup."

Johnny nodded. "That has possibilities. Any others?"

"If he uses spray deodorant, put a drop of matching food color in the nozzle head, so that when he sprays, he gets dyed - bright red, blue, green..."

Johnny smiled. "I can see that. I'll check that one out."

"Here's one I really like, but I don't know if you can do it."

"Tell me about it, and I'll see what I can do."

"Do you ever get drinks when you get take-out? In paper cups?"

"Yeah, sometimes. Why?"

"Keep your cup and when you get back to the station rinse it. When you're ready to get Chet, fill it with water."

"Okay."

"Climb onto the kitchen counter and hold the cup tight onto the ceiling."

"I don't see where this is going."

"You will. Ask Chet to get you a broom and hold the cup to the ceiling while you get down."

"Yeah…"

"That's it. Walk away."

"Walk away?"

"Yup. He's left holding the broom, with a cup of water on top. What's he going to do?"

Johnny rubbed his hands. "Brilliant. I am so glad I married you. This is going to be great!"

* * *

"So? How did it go?"

Johnny sighed.

"Oh, I'm sorry, honey, I thought it would work!"

His face broke into a grin. "It worked beautifully! It was perfect." He smiled at the memory. "Water all over him. Who says revenge isn't sweet?"

Jane put her arm around her husband and leaned on him, smiling. "Never grow up, Johnny."

"As they say, I may get older…"

She finished his sentence, "…but you can be immature forever!" He pinched her bottom and she jumped and smacked his hand away, laughing.


	19. Chapter 19

19

Johnny was surprised and pleased to see Cheryl at the Paramedics' Conference. They had dated a number of years earlier, and although they hadn't kept in touch, they had some fun times together and some great memories. She was a tall girl, with rich brown hair cut in a pixie style, and milk chocolate eyes framed by amazingly long eye lashes. She knew her paramedic stuff too, and was always on the lookout for advance training.

She saw him right away as he entered the main hall near the registration table, and came over to him with a gleam in her eye, and kissed him full on the mouth with a loud smack as he turned around from picking up his attendance tag.

"Cheryl! Whoa, girl! I'm a married man now!" Johnny laughed.

Cheryl grabbed his left hand and examined his wedding ring. "Johnny Gage – no way! I never thought that you of all people would give in to the 'ol' ball and chain'!"

Johnny grinned and replied, "Yeah, well, all kinds of things happened when you weren't around."

She slipped her arm around his waist as they walked away from the table. "So tell me all about it. Who is she? Some nurse?"

Johnny took her arm off his waist and turned to face her directly. "Nope. She was a school teacher, and now she works as a counselor part-time at Rampart."

"I should have guessed she'd be with Rampart somehow. But really, Johnny-boy, a school teacher? You can't be serious. Mr Adventure and the School Marm; I don't see that somehow."

Johnny drew her arm threw his and patted her hand as they entered the auditorium, "Tell you what, why don't we get together at lunch and I'll let you in on my latest 'adventure'.

Cheryl patted his cheek, "You've got a deal. I'll meet you at the registration table at noon. Is Roy with you? Say 'hi' for me, will you, Johnny Gage, who married a School Marm!"

John found his seat beside Roy just as the speaker was being introduced. "Hey, you'll never guess who I just ran into, Roy." The people around him 'shhhed' and glared at him. "Tell you later."

When the presentation was over, Roy turned to Johnny and asked "So, who did you see before?"

"Remember Cheryl, that cute paramedic from San Luis? She's here today and wants to meet me for lunch. She says 'hi'."

"I remember. You two dated for awhile, when she was a nurse at Rampart. Didn't you help her when she wanted to join the paramedic program?"

"Yep. Listen, Roy, I'll catch you later, okay? I'm gonna meet Cheryl now."

* * *

Over lunch at a little café near the conference center, he and Cheryl caught up on details of their lives since they had last seen each other five years before. Cheryl was still single, still taking as many advanced courses as she could. She kept laughing at Johnny's descriptions of domestic life.

"And a little girl! My goodness, Johnny, when you do something you go all the way!" She winked at him. "Course I knew that wouldn't change." When they finished their lunch, Cheryl hugged him briefly and said, "Let's not let another five years go by without keeping in touch, okay? Who knows, if we did, you might have your own little league baseball team or something!" She laughed and waved as she walked away.

* * *

After the conference, Roy and Johnny drove back to LA together. Roy asked Johnny, "So, how is Cheryl? You two have a good lunch?"

"She's great, just great. Hasn't changed a bit. Still quite the impulsive type." He shook his head, grinning.

"No husband or boyfriend in her life?"

"Nope. If anything, she seems kinda hung up about me."

"You sure you're not reading more into this lunch thing than there really is?"

Johnny shrugged. "Aw, I dunno. Maybe. Doesn't really matter, does it? I'm in LA and she's in San Luis, and if she still has feelings for me, that's her problem."

"You look kind of smug."

"It's nice to know that even as an old married man, I still got it."

Roy teased, "I don't know what you think you've got, but I doubt that it's 'it.'"

"You're just jealous because you don't have any old girlfriends hitting on you."

Roy shook his head and grinned. "I really wonder about you, Johnny, I really do."

"Go ahead and wonder." He smiled.

* * *

A few months later, Johnny and Roy were very surprised to see Cheryl at Rampart General. "Cheryl! What on earth are you doing here?" exclaimed Johnny as they literally bumped into her in the Emergency hallway.

"Hey, Johnny-boy! Well, I saw there was an opening in LA and I applied for a transfer – so here I am! I'm training with a specialist crew for disaster response. It's something I've always wanted to do."

"That's amazing! Who'd have thought that we'd see each other again so soon?"

Cheryl winked, "Who'd have thought it?"

Roy said to Johnny as they left the hospital, "Well, isn't that interesting. Cheryl will be around here now. What do you think about that?"

Johnny shrugged. "I don't think anything about it. She's going to be working here. So what?"

Roy replied, "Nothing, I guess."

Johnny closed the equipment door to the squad and turned the latch. "Whatever, Roy."

* * *

Jane called the station and asked to speak to Roy. "Roy, can you tell me if anything has happened recently with Johnny, maybe on the job? He just seems different lately – preoccupied, I guess."

Roy looked at the phone, and then over at Johnny, who was sitting at the table talking with Cheryl and her work partner, who had just dropped in because they were in the area. He could see that Cheryl was showing a lot of interest in whatever John was saying, and Johnny seemed to be lapping it up. When Roy didn't answer right away, Jane asked, "Is this not a good time to talk?"

Roy said, "Uh, yeah," and Jane asked, "Could you stop by and see me the next time you are at the hospital then? Just you, not John. I'm a little worried. I haven't gotten anywhere trying to talk to him. It's just like he's not with us when he's home. Would that be okay with you, Roy?"

Roy said, "Yeah. I'll drop by," and hung up the phone.

* * *

Jane was sitting at her desk in the hospital chapel's annex, cleaning things up so that she could go and pick up Rose from Joanne's house, when Roy stopped by several hours later.

"Hey there, Jane."

Jane looked up at him and smiled. "I'm so glad you stopped by, Roy. I know I'm probably being silly, but I'd just feel better if I could get some reassurance from someone that things really are fine, and I don't know who else to ask."

Roy sat on the edge of her desk and picked up a pencil, twirling it slowly between his fingers. "What do you want to know?"

"Just if you know what's going on with Johnny. Did you have a very difficult run recently? Something that he can't talk about? Is he having trouble with someone at the station? Is Dr Morton giving him a hard time?" She took the pencil gently from his hand and put it in her desk drawer. "I just want to know what I can do to help this situation, Roy."

Roy looked at her and shrugged. "As far as I know, there isn't a situation, Jane. I don't know what's going on with Johnny. He's been seeing a lot of an old friend at work…."

"Yes, he mentioned that a paramedic buddy of his had recently transferred to the area, and that they were catching up on old times."

"A buddy?"

"Yes, that's what he said. Why, is this person not an old friend?"

Roy nodded. "Yeah, she is."

Jane's eyes narrowed, "She?"

"Yeah, it's a she."

Jane looked down at her desk, and then up at Roy. "Is this an 'I should be worried' kind of she?"

Roy shook his head. "I don't think so."

Jane looked at him intently. "You'd tell me if it was?"

Roy shrugged and stood up. He felt very awkward about the whole situation. "I haven't seen anything to say that you should be worried, Jane, not from Johnny."

"Hmmm." Jane digested this. "Okay." She looked wistful. "Would you keep me up to date, though? Would you mind? I miss him, Roy. He's here, but he's not here. If this 'she' is the reason why, I want to know. By the way, does she have a name?"

"Cheryl."

"Ah. Okay, thanks Roy. You're a good friend." Roy left, wondering if he really was a good friend, and if so, to whom was he being that friend.


	20. Chapter 20

20

It was the night of the Firefighter's Relief Fund Ball, a big event with formal dress and live band. Jane was looking forward to going with Johnny; it would be their first date together in months.

Roy was going, although at the last minute Joanne had decided to stay home because both children looked like they might be starting fevers, and she felt she just couldn't leave them with a babysitter. He was only going because Jane begged him to come – she wanted to talk to him again about Johnny – and Joanne felt that it would be better if Roy went without her even if he only stayed for a little while, to 'wave the flag' as she called it. She kissed him as he headed out the door. "Say hi to everyone for me, especially Captain Stanley. You never know when getting in good with the boss will help!"

He smiled and gave her a one-armed hug. "I'll be home as soon as I can reasonably leave without offending anyone, okay?"

"Take your time and have fun. Give Jane my apologies for not coming tonight."

"I'm sure she'll understand. And maybe she'll get to know some of the other wives a little better, which would be nice for her."

* * *

Jane felt optimistic that whatever was distancing Johnny in their relationship would be cleared up that night. She had dressed very carefully in a shimmery teal blue dress that just slightly fell off her shoulders. She wore gold slippers and her red hair was up in a chignon style with a gold hair clasp. It highlighted her long neck and pale skin.

Before they left the house, she went to the living room and pirouetted in front of Johnny, who was already trying to loosen his tie. "So, I won't embarrass you, will I?" He picked her up and swung her around, making exaggerated dancing motions. Jane giggled and struggled to get him to stop. "Okay, you win. You will embarrass me."

Rose clapped her hands. "Again! Again!" Johnny bent down to give her a big kiss on her cheek and told her to be a good girl and listen to the baby sitter. "Dance with ME, Daddy!" She threw up her arms and tried to jump into the air. He stood up and swung her around and around until she was horizontal and squealing.

"John, she will get so excited she won't go to bed!"

He put Rose down and pinched her chin. "There's your dance, honey, now it's mommy and daddy's turn." He and Jane walked out to the car, waving to their daughter and the sitter standing in the doorway.

* * *

They had a table together with Mike Stoker and his wife, Captain Stanley and his wife, and Roy. Marco, his wife, Chet and his date, were sitting at another table nearby, and waved as they arrived.

As she put her purse on the table, she looked at the dance floor. Jane was mildly surprised to see that the Stokers had obviously taken ballroom dancing lessons. She turned to Johnny. "They're really good dancers – some of the best here!" she exclaimed.

"Yeah, they really stand out, don't they? Excuse me for a minute? I see someone over there I'd like to say 'hi' to." He patted her arm absently, and walked over to where Cheryl was sitting with her crew, laughing. She was wearing a red dress that was cut very low in front, high on the sides, and had on black high heeled sandals. Her pixie haircut was styled so that it fell forward slightly onto her face. She had a golden glow to her tanned skin.

Jane watched as her husband made his way to her side, and sat down. Cheryl leaned towards him, and laughed into his face.

Jane looked down at the table, feeling a sinking inside. Everyone else who was supposed to be at their table was either dancing or talking with friends at other tables. Roy glanced over and saw her sitting by herself, and excused himself from talking with some friends from Station 110.

"Jane, what's up?"

Jane looked up at Roy, and smiled sadly and wistfully. "You didn't tell me she was beautiful."

Roy looked across the room and then back at Jane as he sat down beside her. "Johnny used to date her, years ago. And I know he finds you beautiful, Jane."

Jane slightly shook her head. "Maybe. But I'm not alluring or exciting as she is." She nodded her head toward the other table. She sighed. "I had such high hopes that tonight would help fix things between us, and now I wish I'd never come. I don't know what to do now." She folded and unfolded her napkin repeatedly. Roy felt sorry for her, and somehow responsible for the obvious distress Jane was feeling.

He offered her his hand. "C'mon, let's dance." She took his hand and rose, letting him lead her onto the dance floor.

On the other side of the room, Cheryl was sitting very close to Johnny. "So is your little school teacher wife here tonight?"

"Yup. She's sitting with some of our guys from the station. Do you want to come meet her?"

She looked at him through gleaming eyes, grinning slyly, "Isn't that her, in the blue dress, dancing oh-so-close with your partner, Roy? Not school marm behavior, I would think."

Johnny looked over his shoulder, and saw Jane and Roy together on the dance floor. He saw Roy stop dancing, stoop down to talk directly into Jane's ear; she nodded, and then he led her off the dance floor, and out of the ballroom, with his hand guiding her arm. Jane leaned toward Roy slightly as they walked.

Johnny looked back at Cheryl and she sat back, crossing her long legs and laughing languidly, "Looks to me like a case of when the cat's away the mice will play." She leaned in again toward Johnny and put her hands on his legs, smiling at him. "So what do you say, Johnny-boy? Do you want to play too?"

John was taken aback, and stood up. He had been captivated by Cheryl's flirting and the strokes that it had been giving his ego, but when he saw Roy leave with Jane like that…he didn't say anything to Cheryl, but just shook his head as he rose from his chair, walking across the room to their table. He grabbed Jane's purse and continued out the door that he had seen Roy and Jane leave by a minute earlier. He'd find them, and take Jane home, a s a p. Enough of this.

Roy and Jane had found a quiet room with a couch to sit on, and Jane was pouring out her worries to Roy about losing Johnny. They sat with the light off and the door open. He kept his arm around her shoulders and just listened. He felt like her older brother and that he had somehow let her down by not protecting her from Johnny's infatuation with Cheryl. He was sure it was only infatuation, but it really didn't look good the way he ignored his wife and went immediately to Cheryl's side. Roy patted her shoulder. She stopped talking and just leaned on him, looking at nothing, and sighing sadly.

Johnny found them sitting there in the dark, and said brusquely, "Jane, we're leaving now. I have your purse. C'mon." He didn't talk to Roy or even look at him, just grabbed Jane's hand and pulled her upright. Then, still holding onto her hand, he led her out of the room, while she tried to talk with him.

* * *

Roy sat there in the dark for a few moments, and then got up, went back into the ballroom to make excuses for the Gages' departure and his own to the rest of their table, and went home to Joanne. The night had been a fiasco all around, as far as he could tell.

Johnny didn't talk to Jane on the way home, because he was so upset he knew he would say something he'd regret. When they got into the house, he paid off the babysitter and Jane drove her home.

When Jane came back in, he was already in bed, pretending to be asleep. Jane got ready for bed with a heavy heart. She didn't know what to make of Johnny's behavior towards her or how he felt about Cheryl.


	21. Chapter 21

21

The next morning, John was waiting for Roy in the locker room at work, and accosted him as soon as he entered the room. "What the hell was that last night, hmmm? What were you playing at, sneaking off with my wife, hey?" He was so angry he pushed Roy against the lockers.

Roy pushed him back. "What the hell are YOU talking about?"

Johnny put a fist into Roy's face. "Just give me a reason, Roy."

Roy smacked his hand away and yelled back at John, "I'm not the one who's been ignoring his wife! I'm not the one who left her alone and went to carry on with another woman in front of her!"

"You are so full of it, Roy! I can't believe I never saw it before!" They were making so much noise that Mike and Chet came into the locker room to see what on earth was going on. Both men were glaring at each other, and breathing heavily.

Captain Stanley strode into the room. "Gage. De Soto. My office. NOW."

Hank sat down at his desk. "Will someone please tell me what is going on? What was all that in the locker room just now? C'mon Roy, Johnny, this isn't like you." Roy and Johnny just stood there, refusing to look at each other. Cap Stanley smacked his desk top. "Enough of this. De Soto, you talk." Roy's fists were clenched. He had never been so angry at his partner in his whole life. To treat Jane like this, and then to accuse him of doing something shady!

Roy took a deep breath. "Johnny has been neglecting Jane and last night at the ball, she couldn't take it anymore."

Johnny interrupted him. "I've been neglecting Jane? Where'd you get that dumb idea? I'm home every chance I get! You were off in some dark room cuddling my wife the minute my back was turned!"

Captain Stanley held up his hands. "Slow down here, boys. Let's try and sort this out." Johnny started to speak, but Cap just pointed his finger at him. "Ah!" He turned to Roy. "Roy, did you go off with Jane alone last night?"

"Yes, Cap, I did, but it was all Johnny's fault."

"How the heck do you figure that, Roy?" Johnny yelled at him. "I was talking with a friend, and the next thing I know, you're walking off with Jane as if you're the one's who married to her! And aren't you glad that Joanne wasn't there last night!"

"Joanne wouldn't have a problem with what I did, you idiot! I didn't do anything except comfort a friend who was hurting from the callous treatment her jerk of a husband was giving her!"

"Okay, okay, that's enough, both of you! Johnny, Roy, you two have been partners for many years. And you are going to continue to be partners, so you better work this out." Hank held up his hand. "I don't care how you do it, just do it. And fast. This station works as a team at all times, and don't either of you forget it. Our lives may depend on it. So get out of my office, and stop yelling at each other. I mean it!" He pointed his finger again at each of them in turn, and nodded his head emphatically. Roy and Johnny left the office and Roy went back into the locker room to get changed. He was not looking forward to working this shift at all.

* * *

The guys had just finished cleaning up the kitchen when the station phone rang. Marco answered the phone. "It's for you, John."

Johnny stomped over to the phone and said, "Hello?... Cheryl! No, no, everything's fine. I'm sorry I took off like that last night, but I had to go, um, deal with something." He glanced over at Roy, who was glaring at him again. "Listen, I'm sorry, but I gotta go, okay?" He lowered his voice. "And, um, I don't think it's a good idea for you to call me at the station any more."

Cheryl sounded amused. "Did you get in big trouble last night? Or did your wife decide that the grass is greener on the other side of the squad?" Johnny almost gasped. He hadn't realized how poisonous Cheryl could be. He decided he needed to do something about the situation, but the person he normally would ask for advice was currently not talking to him, or more accurately, only yelling at him when they did communicate.

"I really got to go. Bye." He hung up, and for the first time wondered if there wasn't some truth to Roy's version of the story. He looked over at Roy, and had opened his mouth to talk to him when the alarm bell rang, and they headed to the squad for a call.

"Squad 51; woman down, West 219th Street and Monela Avenue, on the corner. Ambulance has been dispatched." "Squad 51, 10-4. KMG 365."

* * *

When they got to the street corner, there was a small group of people trying to help a woman on the ground. Broken grocery bags and food were scattered around her. She was slightly overweight, and in her mid fifties. The paramedics asked people to stand back and Johnny helped the woman lie back down so he could check her more thoroughly. She seemed to be in a lot of discomfort regarding her feet and legs. "They won't hold me up! I can't feel them at all!" the woman wailed to Roy, grabbing at his arm.

"We're gonna take good care of you, ma'am; don't worry now." Johnny wrote down the woman's vital signs, and Roy started feeling her lower legs. "A lot of redness here, Johnny. Swelling and poor circulation." He said to the woman, "I'm going to take off your shoes and socks so we can get a better look at what's going on, okay?" She nodded, biting her lower lip. "What's your name?" he asked kindly as he gently removed her left shoe and sock. "Johnny," he said quietly, and his partner looked over at him and then down at the woman's foot. Several of her toes were tinged a dark bruised green color. "Clarece Franks," the woman responded, trying to wiggle her toes.

John asked her, "Did you have any injury to your foot recently, ma'am?" She shook her head.

"No, but I had some trouble with my toe nails a couple of weeks ago."

Roy asked, "Are you by chance taking insulin on a regular basis?" and she nodded. "Usually twice a day, morning and evening."

Johnny sighed as he turned back to the biophone. "Rampart, we have a female, insulin dependent diabetic, with no pain sensation in either foot. She is unable to stand. She reports difficulties with her toenails a couple of weeks ago. Left foot, possible necrosis visible for several toes, with redness and swelling to the knee."

Roy interrupted him. "Both feet, Johnny."

"Rampart, same presentation on the right foot also." The ambulance pulled up, and the woman made an attempt to rise, but Johnny gently held her down. "You'll be going on a stretcher, Mrs. Franks."

"What about my groceries?"

"I think we'll have to leave them, sorry about that." As he gathered up their equipment, he said quietly in an aside to Roy, "And that's the last walk to the grocery store she'll ever take."

"Yeah, the last walk anywhere."

* * *

On their way back from Rampart, Johnny took a deep breath and started to talk. "Roy…"

Roy looked at him with narrowed eyes. "I don't want to fight with you in the squad because it's dangerous, so maybe we should wait till we get back to the station before you say anything, okay?"

Johnny said "Hmm," seeing the wisdom of Roy's statement.

When they pulled in to the barn, Johnny put his hand out to stop Roy getting out of the squad. "Can we talk in here? I don't want the guys to overhear any more than they already have about this."

Roy let go of the door handle. He folded his arms and said curtly, "Sure, that's fair. So, talk."

"Um, Roy, I think you may be right about the way I've been treating Jane lately."

Roy snorted and rolled his eyes. "Amazing!"

"Seriously, though, Roy, I don't know why, but I didn't see it until just before when Cheryl called the station. That girl is seriously bad news!"

"Yeah, and?"

"I really screwed up, didn't I?"

Roy relented his hard attitude. "I don't think so. But you do believe me when I say that there was nothing between me and Jane? Johnny, she's like a sister to me! A little sister, who needed someone to hold her hand when she was hurt. And I swear to you, that's all that happened last night. Really."

"I believe you, Roy. Heck, I would have done the same thing if you'd been treating Joanne like that."

"Except I never would."

"Guess not. Nobody would ever come on to you like that and make you forget yourself."

"Uh, I don't know that nobody would ever come on to me…"

"Yeah, right, Roy. In your dreams," Johnny gave a laugh, his good humor restored.

"No…"

Johnny clapped his hand on his partner's shoulder. "I owe you big time, Roy. It woke me up when I saw you leave with Jane and then found you two alone like that." Roy started to say something, but John interrupted him before he could get a word out.

"No, it could have been someone else comforting her." He winced. "I can see how I thought what I did, and I can see how you thought what you did. It's okay, man. And when I get home tomorrow morning, I'm going to spend some real time with Jane and let her know she's still my girl."

"Well, that's great. I'm glad to hear it. And now can we get out of this squad? I have other things I'd like to do."

"Sure, Roy. And thanks."

"No problem."

Captain Stanley was waiting for them in the doorway of his office. "Everything okay?"

"It's fine, Cap," said Roy.

"Good, good. That's what I want to hear. Keep it that way." He turned back into his office and went to sit down at his desk again.


	22. Chapter 22

22

That evening, while John was at work, Jane decided that she really needed to change the way her head was spinning, so she asked her next door neighbor if she would mind watching Rose, who was asleep in bed, while she went for a walk. She threw on a jacket over her jean dress, and thanked Mrs. Ross for coming over on such short notice.

Just after she left, the phone rang. It was John, calling from the station to see if he could make some plans for the two of them to spend some time alone together the next day, to clear the air. When Mrs. Ross answered, he asked her to let Jane know he'd called when she got in, but not to worry about calling him back. Mrs. Ross wrote a note for Jane, and left it on the kitchen table for when she would return.

* * *

Jane took several deep cleansing breaths as she started her walk. She was trying to decipher Johnny's behavior last night at the ball. Did he prefer that sultry siren of a paramedic to her? Was it just because the witch was chasing her man? She determined that she would fight for him, no matter what it took – they meant too much to each other, and had been through too much together for her to let anyone steal her husband. If he told her he didn't love her anymore, if he said that he wanted to leave her and Rose, well, that would be a different kind of fight. But she would fight – as if she was fighting for her life! She just needed a plan…

Jane had been walking for quite a while, and suddenly realized that she had wandered out of their neighborhood. The houses had become apartment buildings and she didn't see any stores nearby. She sighed and looked around. There was a park across the street, and she vaguely recognized that the other side opened up several streets over from hers, so she decided to cut across it to go home. She wasn't scared; after all, it was only around 10 pm, and she would be at home in about fifteen minutes with the short cut.

She saw some youths laughing and pushing each other around near the swing sets, and smiled at them. They probably would get kicked out of the park when a patrol car came by, but she remembered what it was like to be a teenager with nothing to do on a Sunday night. At least they weren't getting into trouble.

One of the boys came over to her, and she realized with a shock that these weren't young teenagers, but a group of young men in their early twenties. And she revised her ideas about them not getting into trouble; it looked like they were high. She saw the flash of a syringe, and realized these 'boys' were using something more intense than pot to get their jollies…he blocked her path, and she tried not to scream. She used her most school-teacher-ish voice and ordered him to get out of her way. He ignored her, and started running his fingers through her hair. "Oh, God," she silently prayed, "let someone, anyone, come by, come help me!" She counted the number of men from the corner of her eye. Four, only four. No girls. No one to appeal to for help…she tried to focus her thoughts on Rose, on Johnny…Someone held on to her tightly from behind, pinning her arms to her sides. She gasped, and a large hand went over her mouth. Then one of the other men grabbed her right arm, held it out straight, and she felt the stab of a needle in the crook of her elbow. "Sweet dreams," he breathed into her ear…

* * *

It was nearly midnight, and Mrs. Ross was getting very concerned. Jane had just said she was going for a walk, leaving her purse and keys at home. That was over three hours ago. She had no identification on her of which Mrs. Ross was aware. She worried about what to do, but finally decided to call 911 and report Jane missing.

It was after midnight when the police came to the house, and asked Mrs. Ross all kinds of questions. She told them about Jane's husband working at the fire station, but when they called, there was no answer, as both the squad and rig were out on a run. No message was left. They reviewed Jane's information from her purse.

All the commotion woke up Rose, and to prevent her fussing, Mrs. Ross held her in her arms while she talked with the patrolman. Rose just blinked at all the bright lights and noise, and leaned on Mrs. Ross' shoulder, yawning. "We'll start a search, and let you know. If you hear anything in the meantime, call this number right away. We'll be checking in." Mrs. Ross nodded, and took the paper he handed to her. After they left she sat in the rocking chair with Rose, crooning to her, wondering, and worrying.

* * *

It took time for the search to widen far enough that it included the park. All was quiet, and because it was a residential area, the searchers were keeping noise to a minimum. It was almost six in the morning, and the sun was rising, long shadows climbing along the paths and tree trunks, when one of the patrolmen noticed a shape in the bushes, hidden just off a dirt path.

An ambulance and rescue squad were dispatched. Jane was unconscious, bruised and very cold, all curled up on herself, her jacket thrown on top of her legs. The paramedics were concerned that they couldn't rouse her. It was Squad 43, and they thought they recognized her, but the detective who had her information was keeping it close until he could contact her husband; she was a crime victim. Her vital signs were good, but the continuing lack of consciousness was very troubling.

Then she started to moan, mutter and call out as they placed her onto a stretcher and loaded her into the ambulance. "Someone? Help her, please, can't you hear her?" Her distress increased, and she tried to get away, unaware of where she was or what she was doing or saying. "Please help her! They're cutting her up! Oh, someone, please, help…" She drifted off, moaning.

* * *

Rampart Emergency was already busy, although it was early in the day. Dixie had arrived for her shift before her time, because she had some files she wanted to get organized before things really started hopping. Since she was nearby, she greeted the ambulance coming in, saw Jane on the stretcher, and looked at the paramedic who held her IV bag with shock. "My God, what happened?"

"She was found in the park after she had been called in missing by her neighbor." He looked at Dixie sadly. "It's Jane Gage, isn't it? The officers wouldn't tell us until they could contact her family, but I recognize her. And Johnny was on tonight."

Jane was transferred onto the examining table in treatment room 3 by the ambulance attendants, who then left. The paramedics stayed in the room to help out. Kelly Brackett entered, also just starting his day at work, and asked Dixie, "What do we have?" before he saw who it was lying there. "Oh, no! Jane?"

A police officer had followed the paramedics into the room, and he said to Dr Brackett, "I'm under orders to stay by in case she says something that might identify her attackers." Kelly just waved at Dixie to deal with him, as he turned his full attention to Jane.

She gently led him out of the examining room. "We'll definitely let you know anything that she says, but right now the doctors need to assess her and get her the treatment she needs as quickly as possible. You can wait right here, if you like." The officer sighed and leaned up against the wall of the hallway beside the door to the room. It had been a long night.

* * *

Johnny and Roy were on their last run of their shift and they were tired. It had been a very busy night for Station 51, with a house fire around midnight and a toddler who had fallen downstairs after escaping from his crib in the wee hours of the morning. They arrived at Rampart with the mother and child and were directed into treatment room 1, where Dr Early met them.

After transferring the child to the examining table, Joe told them they could leave, and they walked out into the hallway. Johnny and Roy saw the policeman outside room 3 and stopped to talk with him. "What's up?" asked Johnny, "Robbery gone bad?" The officer shook his head. "Woman attacked in a park; not nice."

Just then the paramedics of Squad 43 came out of the treatment room, started when they saw Johnny and Roy standing there, and then looked at each other for guidance. As the door was still partly open they all heard Kelly tell Dixie, "Get Joe in here now. I want to talk to him about this."

The door was opened fully by Dixie, and all four paramedics saw Jane lying on the examining table, trying to curl back into a fetal position and calling out, "Somebody? Anybody? Please, help!"

Dixie called sharply into the room to Kelly, "We've got another problem. Johnny is right outside the door."

Kelly turned away from Jane, and marched up to Roy in the hallway. "Do something here. Get him away from this. We'll let you know." He spun around to Dixie. "Dix, I need Joe." He turned and marched back into the treatment room, and another nurse rushed in to help him as Dixie went to get Dr Early.

The police officer looked confused, and one of the paramedics from Station 43 told him who Jane was. He looked shocked and said to Johnny, "Oh, man, I'm so sorry. I didn't know it was your wife." Roy grabbed Johnny's arm, and tried to pull him away from the door, but Johnny wouldn't budge and just stood staring at it, trying to make sense of what he'd just seen.

Dr Early came over with Dixie, who went immediately into the room. Joe looked curiously at all the men standing around outside the door. "Excuse me, gentlemen, but don't you all have to be somewhere else?" He didn't wait for the paramedics to reply, but turned to the policeman. "What about you? What are you doing here?"

The man squeaked out, "Crime victim." Dr Early nodded, and opened the treatment room door.

Kelly motioned to him. "Close that door quick. I don't want Johnny to see this until we know what we have."

Dr Joe looked at the young woman on the table, and gave a gasp as he recognized her. "Oh, Jane, what's happened now?"

Kelly motioned him to look more closely at the bruises and marks on Jane's arm. "Do you see what I see, Joe?"

Joe bent in to look and then turned to Kelly in surprise. "Needle marks?"

Kelly nodded, "That's what they look like to me, too."

"They drugged the poor girl?"

"I believe so. I think that's why the paramedics were having such a hard time rousing her, and why she keeps drifting away on us. When she does come back, she doesn't seem to know where she is or what's happening."

"Maybe that's a blessing, Kell."

"Maybe; or maybe it's keeping her locked in some kind of hell we can't reach or cure. And one thing's for sure, it's going to be damn hard for her to identify her attackers."

"The evil that men do never ceases to amaze me."


	23. Chapter 23

23

Roy was standing with John, who refused to leave the hallway. "If that policeman can stay here, then I can! Stop trying to move me, Roy; I'm not going anywhere!"

He shook off Roy's hand from his arm, and slumped against the opposite wall. "I was going home; in less than a couple of hours, I would have been home. I was going to tell her how sorry I was about Cheryl. I was going to spend the day with her and let her know how I really feel about her." He banged his head against the wall.

"What is it with us, Roy? Why do these terrible things keep happening to Jane? Why am I never there to protect her?" He put his clenched fists over his eyes. "I spend my days saving people. Every day, that's what I do. And the one person who needs me more than anyone, I'm never there for."

"That's not true, Johnny, and you know it. You and Jane have been through more in the past few years that most people experience in a lifetime; I don't know why that is, or why these things keep happening, but I do know that, as far as Jane is concerned, you've always…" Johnny raised his eyebrows at him. "You are most often the one who's been there for her, and for Rose. This thing with Cheryl aside, you've been a pretty decent husband and dad."

Johnny leaned back on the wall and closed his eyes. "Nice of you to say, Roy, but we both know I'm probably the reason she's lying there."

"How do you figure that?"

"I know her. She was upset about our fight, and once Rose was asleep, she got a sitter and went for a walk to clear her head and figure things out. It's what she does." He opened his eyes, and looked at Roy with sadness and frustration. "It's my stupid ego that made her go out last night. I called her too late." He stood upright and started to pace back and forth in front of the treatment room. "Isn't there something I can hit?" he fumed.

* * *

Jane opened her eyes, but didn't recognize the man leaning over her. She felt someone trying to do something with the IV in her arm, and began to panic and thrash around: "NO! NO! Not again! Never!"

Dr Joe put his hands gently on either side of her face and tried to get her to focus her eyes on him. "Jane, Jane, it's me, Dr Joe. You're safe. No one's trying to hurt you." She looked at him with terrified eyes, not recognizing who he was.

Dr Brackett spoke to her. "Jane, I need you to straighten out your legs so we can check your injuries. Can you do that for me, please?" She whimpered and gripped the examining table. "Dixie, can you come try and talk to her? Maybe if she hears your voice, it might help."

Dr Joe looked at Dix and said, "What we really need here is someone like Jane herself, someone who can talk to her in a non-threatening way."

"I'll see what I can do." The doctors got out of her way, and Dixie leaned over Jane and spoke to her very gently. "Jane, it's me, Dixie. Can you hear me? Do you know me?"

Jane grabbed at Dixie's hand desperately. "They are going to cut me up in little pieces. This is a meat factory! Can't you smell it? They already cut me up – little cubes of flesh. They're on a conveyor belt over there. Please, please get me out of here!" She sobbed and begged Dixie. Then she collapsed onto the table, exhausted, and drifted away again, moaning.

* * *

Dixie came out of the treatment room about twenty minutes later, and saw that Johnny and Roy hadn't moved from where they had been standing. Johnny lunged toward her, and Roy said, "Help us out here, Dix. Talk to us. It's killing Johnny not to know anything."

Dixie spoke to Johnny. "What do you know?" She looked grim.

Johnny stuttered a bit. "Wha…what do I know? That she was attacked some time last night in a park; that the guys from 43 brought her in; that the police are waiting to question her." He nodded toward the officer beside the door.

"C'mon, let's go get some coffee in the lounge, rather than staying out here in the hallway." She beckoned for them to come with her.

"Why are Brackett and Early still with Jane?" Roy wondered as they walked.

"There's a lot to do when we have a crime victim in terms of preserving evidence." Johnny winced. "Here, sit down. I'll get the coffee." Dix took three mugs from the cupboard and poured them all coffee. "Johnny, have you called home? I'm sure whoever is looking after Rose must be frantic."

"Oh, man, I didn't even think about Rose!" Johnny began to rise from his chair, but Roy touched his shoulder and gently pushed him back down, as he got up himself.

"I'll take care of calling. And I'll call Joanne too." He looked at Dixie and then at John. "Do you want me to hang around? Someone needs to take the squad back to the station, but if you think I should stay for a bit…"

"I don't know. You've got your family. If you can just find out if the sitter can stay longer at my house, I'd appreciate it. Man, I hate this!" Johnny banged the table with his fist.

Dixie looked at him with compassion. "It's never easy being on the other side, is it?"

Roy came back a couple of minutes later. "Your neighbor, Mrs. Ross, is willing to stay with Rose as long as you need her. She was crying a bit when I told her that Jane was at the hospital. She was told by the police that she had been found, but didn't know her condition." Roy sat down again. "And I didn't know what to tell her, because I don't actually know her condition." He looked at Dixie.

Dix stood up and started pacing around the room. "I know I seem like a hard-nosed, all-business nurse, but when a friend gets hurt, I just fall to pieces. Only I can't show it because it's my job to take care of them." She turned and faced the two men, and folded her arms in a protective manner across her chest. They nodded, understanding completely what she was experiencing, because it was what they lived too.

"Jane wasn't just attacked, she was drugged. Whoever did this to her gave her street heroin. She's been hallucinating that she's being sliced into pieces…" She looked at their faces, and sat down, taking her mug in her hands. "It will be a miracle if she can identify who did this. And how many."

Roy whispered in a shocked voice, "How many?" and Dixie nodded.

"There is evidence that several different men were involved." Nobody said anything. There were no words for what they were feeling.

* * *

Jane awoke again and there was more clarity this time. She knew where she was. "Dr Joe?"

"Yes, Jane?"

"Why am I here? What has happened? Why can't I feel my legs?"

Dr Early helped her to sit up a bit, but was careful to make sure her legs were covered with the sheet. "Let's just wait a few minutes before I answer your questions. There's a police woman who needs to be here, and she's on her way." Jane looked worried, and Dr Joe touched her arm. "Would you like to see Johnny? He's here."

Jane's eyes became very wide. "What time is it? How long have I been here?"

Joe nodded to the nurse in the room, and asked her to go get Johnny. "You'll probably find him in the lounge." Then he turned back to Jane. "It's Monday morning. You've been here for a while. Johnny has finished his shift, and is waiting to see you." There was a knock at the door, and a nurse peeked her head into the room.

"Dr Early? There's a detective and a police woman here to see your patient. May they come in?"

Joe looked at Jane. "Can they come in, Jane?"

She asked in a small, scared voice, "Can Johnny stay with me while they're here?"

"I think that's a good idea. Would you like me to recommend it, as your doctor?" She nodded. The door opened, and two officers entered, followed right behind by her husband. She reached out her hand to him, and he looked at her face very carefully.

"Jane."

"Oh, Johnny, I'm so sorry!"

"Stop that." He was still holding her hand, and looked down at it. Jane followed his eyes, and saw for the first time the state of her arms, with their bruises and strange marks. Her eyes became wide, and she tried to pull her hand away from his, but he held on, and slowly rotated her arm. They could all see.

Jane began to whisper, "I kept hearing this woman crying, calling for help. I wanted to help her, but I couldn't. I kept trying to reach out, to stop her pain." She looked at Johnny and Dr Early with wonder. "It was me. I was crying. I was calling."

"What else do you remember, Mrs. Gage?" asked the policewoman. "Can you tell us anything about who did this to you? Where you were?"

Jane looked down at her arms again. "See saw, Margery Daw…" Everyone looked confused, but Dr Early held up his hand in a 'wait' gesture. "Swings…" she said, "it's a song we used to sing while at the park when we were kids."

The policewoman nodded. "You were found in a park, Mrs. Gage. Do you remember that?"

Jane tilted her head to the side, like a robin might do. She closed her eyes. Her hand gripped Johnny's tightly. "I see bright colors. Different colors, moving over each other. Weaving….like tracks? I think…. a pattern? Might be… plaid?" She frowned, then opened her eyes and looked at Johnny with a sad smile. "I love your plaid shirt, but I don't think I can ever see you wear it again."

"Did your attacker wear a plaid shirt?" asked the detective.

"He must have, because I loved Johnny wearing that shirt, and now just the thought of it makes me want to scream and run."

"Take your time, Mrs. Gage."

Jane sighed. It felt like she was falling, like Alice in Wonderland, down a hole. "Pink cubes of flesh on a conveyor belt. I could see them cutting, cutting, laughing and cutting…"

She stopped, and gasped. They all held their breaths. "He said, "Sweet dreams" and then I fell down, so far down."  
"Tell me about the person who said 'Sweet dreams.'"

"But they weren't sweet – they were horrible – being chopped up into little pieces." She looked at the detective. "I think I threw up. Does that help?"

He nodded, "It might."

Dr Joe asked, "Did you throw up on the person who said sweet dreams?"

Jane concentrated. "No. I - it was one of the other ones."

Johnny let go of her hand and went to sit down in a chair. He didn't want to hear this. He needed to hear this. He couldn't bear to hear it. He closed his eyes and gripped his hands tightly together, trying to control his emotions.

Jane closed her eyes again, but opened them almost immediately. She looked at Joe. "When I close my eyes, everything spins and moves, like I'm on a roller coaster."

He told her, "That's a side effect from the drugs you were given."

She nodded. "The gleaming needle. Whoosh, everything's going around!" Her head started to roll.

"I think you'd better lie back again, and take a break from this." She let him lower her down with relief.

He told the others, "We're going to let her rest for a bit, now. We'll move her into a private room so you can conduct your interview there when she's more stable." The nurse held the door open and everyone walked out, except for Johnny. He came over to Jane's side and took her hand again. Soon the orderly came to change her over to another room.


	24. Chapter 24

24

When Jane opened her eyes again after the move to a private room, she was propped up in bed, and Johnny was dozing lightly in a chair beside her bed. As she stirred, he opened his eyes and said, "Hey." He looked as if he hadn't slept for a week.

"Hey."

"How're you feeling?"

"I don't know." She looked down at the sheets on the bed. "Something's not right."

He snorted and frowned. "That's an understatement, if I ever heard one!"

She reached out to him, and he took her hand in his, sitting on the side of her bed. "What happened to me, Johnny?"

"You went for a walk. You were attacked. You were drugged. The police found you. You came here."

"Well, that sounds like it covers everything! I guess I'm good to go now!"

"Nope, not yet." He kissed her forehead. "But soon, I hope. There's a little girl at home who misses her mommy."

"Oh, my sweet little Rose! Poor Mrs. Ross! Please thank her for me, Johnny, and tell her how sorry I am…"

He placed his finger on her mouth, interrupting her. "Enough. She knows. It's fine. Just get better; that's all you have to do or worry about right now." He traced the marks on her arm tenderly, the frown deepening on his face.

Jane spoke after a minute. "John?" He looked up at her face, questioning. "About your friend Cheryl…"

"Oh, Jane, Jane, you don't have anything to worry about! I'm sorry I was such an ass." He could barely say the words, because all the feelings he had been holding inside, sadness and anger and guilt, felt like they were choking him. This pain was as bad as any physical injury he had ever suffered. She beckoned for him to hold her, and they clung to each other.

The policewoman opened the door and asked if she could come in. Johnny looked at Jane and then nodded. "I'm sorry to disturb you again, Mrs. Gage, but it's important that we get as much information as we can as soon as possible."

"I understand. I want to help."

The detective followed her into the room, and asked, "Do you want to have your doctor or a nurse present, just in case?"

Jane frowned. "In case of what?" but Johnny understood and told him, "I'll go and see who's free. Don't do anything 'til I get back." Jane understood too, now. They were afraid she might have a return of her symptoms if she tried to remember what happened.

Dixie came in with Johnny when he returned. "I figured you'd rather have me with you than someone who doesn't know the situation, Jane."

Jane nodded to her with relief. "Yes, thank you!"

She held onto Johnny's hand again, took a deep breath, and closed her eyes. "I remember being on the ground – it was cold, then hot, burning, and the rocks felt like boulders, but they were pinching me? Maybe that's the drug... I know it was dark, but everything seemed so colorful some how, so intense…" They waited for her to continue. "Someone was yelling at me – at someone – was it me yelling?" She shook her head, as if trying to clear it. "Four, I think there were four of them." She stopped, and bent forward clutching her belly, and pulling her legs up to her chest. "I'm going to be sick!" she gasped.

Dixie quickly grabbed a basin from the table, but Jane wasn't sick, because there wasn't anything in her to throw up. She began rocking back and forth, and started to try to roll over into a fetal position again. The policewoman tried to look impassive and failed miserably, and the detective stood back, looking grim while Johnny and Dixie tried to calm Jane down. She stopped gasping and caught her breath. She looked at Dixie with terror. "I can feel my legs! I don't want to feel! Stop the pain! Please stop it!"

"I'm getting Joe; hold her, Johnny."

"Jane, you're all right, it's all right… That's it, just relax honey, it's okay, everything's okay…. C'mon, sweetheart, we need you to keep it together, you can do it. …We'll get you something for the pain, just hang in there… Breathe in, breathe out, that's it." His calm words and tone had their effect, and Jane was able to sit back and slow her breathing, but she couldn't quite stop the small whimpering sounds that forced their way out of her throat. She covered her mouth with her hand in an effort to control them.

Dr Early came in with Dixie. He had a syringe in his hand, and Jane started shuddering when she saw it, but he put it into her IV line, and told her, "You'll feel better in a few minutes, Jane." He turned to the police officers. "Do you really need to do any more of this now? Can't you let her rest? I'm concerned about long term effects of what you're doing and how it might compromise her care."

"So are we, Dr Early; that's why we are trying to do our job here."

"I apologize. I understand that this isn't easy for any of us. But my priority has to be Jane's recovery."

"Dr Joe, what happened to my legs?" Jane interrupted.

"Jane, your legs are bruised, much like your arms. I think you know why you couldn't feel them."

Jane closed her eyes again, and bit her lip. Johnny spoke up, "Do I have any say in this?"

The policewoman looked at Jane. "Mrs. Gage? May I call you Jane?" Jane opened her eyes and looked at her warily. "Jane, we want to make this as easy for you as possible, but every hour that we don't have this information means that we may never have the information that we need in order to catch the people who did this to you, and make sure that they never do anything like this ever again. Do you understand?" Jane nodded. "Are you willing to try and continue to remember?"

Jane nodded again. The medication started to have an effect, and her legs had stopped their compulsive shaking under the sheets. "One of them, I think he was a wrestler or something, but I don't know why I think that…was there a tattoo? …" she touched her right arm with her left, and the detective made a note on his writing pad. "I can't remember. Sorry."

"That's okay, you're doing fine."

"He might have been older than the others."

"Why do you think that?" Jane just shrugged and shook her head in response. "What was he wearing?"

She sighed and closed her eyes again. "I don't know. Things became very weird very quickly. It seemed to go on forever. There was no time. I remember heaviness." She frowned and looked disgusted. "A lot of pressure, like I was being pressed into a cutting machine…those pink cubes of flesh on a conveyor belt…the van Gogh lights…"

"Excuse me, what do you mean by 'van Gogh lights'?"

"You know, like in 'Starry Night' – all swirly and glowing and dancing across the sky."

The detective turned to Dr Early. "How reliable do you think this is?"

"I would expect that there would be elements in her environment that she would extrapolate into her experience, if that's what you mean."

"It is. So you're saying that if she saw lights, even if they were 'van Gogh', there were lights present and it wasn't just the drug talking?"

"I would expect so, yes."

Jane objected, "I'm not so sure. After all, I really doubt there was a conveyor belt nearby, and yet that is my clearest memory."

"She has a point."

Jane leaned back into the pillows and her eyebrows drew together. Johnny decided to make an executive decision. "That's it, ladies and gentlemen. My wife needs rest more than she needs to talk. Dr Early, back me up on this."

"You're right, Johnny. I'm sorry but you'll have to continue this another time."

Dixie put her hand on John's shoulder and said to him, "I think you need to go home and see your daughter. You can come visit Jane later." She made a gathering motion with her arms to the room at large. "Come on. Everyone out. Everyone. OUT."


	25. Chapter 25

Chapter 25

Roy had a hard time sleeping that night. The thought of Jane in the hospital, that she had been attacked, and by more than one man, made him feel sick and angry. Joanne rubbed his back and talked to him, trying to get him to let his feelings out and to relax, but he just couldn't find the words or get rid of his simmering rage and frustration. Finally he said to Joanne, "I think I'll go and watch some TV and see if that doesn't change my head a bit."

Joanne nodded. 'You don't mind if I stay here and try and get some sleep? With the kids sick, I'm feeling a bit run down myself."

Roy felt guilty that he hadn't even thought about his own children, who were feeling miserable due to the flu, or about what Joanne had been doing to take care of them, and how she must be feeling. "I'm real sorry that I haven't been here for you these past few days."

"No, no! Please, this is nothing! Well, not nothing, but it's ordinary life. Kids get sick, wives get tired." She kissed his cheek. "You care about Jane and Johnny; they're our close friends – of course this terrible thing is going to be uppermost in your mind."

He nodded, and gave her a quick hug. "Sleep well, honey."

"Get some sleep yourself, if you can. I'll take care of things around here – don't worry."

He went into the living room, and turned the TV set on low, but the movie didn't catch his interest, and he found that he was just looking at the images without taking anything in, his mind returning to the hospital. What must Johnny be feeling right now? How was Jane? He found himself going over the past few days, and his anger started to rise against his partner. Johnny was right when he had said it was all his fault – if he hadn't been so caught up in flirting with Cheryl, so stuck on his own selfish interests, if he had only called Jane earlier to apologize, rather than thinking that Roy was trying to seduce his wife…he ground his teeth. Like Johnny had said, if it wasn't for his stupid ego, she wouldn't be lying there. He closed his eyes. Part of him knew he wasn't being fair to his friend, but it hurt so much to think of that sweet girl calling out in pain…

'She's like a sister to me!' The words he'd said to Johnny the morning after the ball came back to him, but this time there was a tug at his heart. Like my little sister. His eyes started to sting, but he fought it. More than my sister; I don't care about my real sister like this. I would be very upset if anything happened to her, of course, just like I would about anybody who was assaulted or injured. But Jane is special.

He remembered dancing with her at the ball…it seemed like forever ago. Holding her in his arms, sitting with her on the couch, his arm around her shoulders, her leaning on him, sighing sadly…. Roy, you idiot. You're just creating something here, because you're upset. He swore to himself and stood up.

He began walking around the room, and unbidden came the memories of the times that they had talked together, mostly about Johnny; the times they had laughed when going out together as couples; her jokes and surprising interests and insights; watching her with his daughter at school as she engaged the students in her class with enthusiasm and creativity; seeing her compassion while working with Mr Watson, the French tourist family, and the patients at Rampart; he thought the losses she had sustained through being orphaned, being betrayed by her first love, losing her son, almost losing Johnny; how valiantly she dealt with the abuse she'd suffered, her courage in speaking up in court…

He wasn't in love with her. But, staring him in the face, there it was: he loved her. If only he could protect her! If only… He sat down on the couch and stared at the ceiling. He loved Joanne, there was no question; she was as much a part of him as his own skin. However, now that his eyes were opened, he could not deny it. He also loved his best friend's wife.

Johnny decided to work his regular shift while Jane was in the hospital so that he could be off extra days when she came home. Rose stayed overnight at Mrs. Ross' house and he called her regularly to check how she was doing. It sounded like she was getting thoroughly spoiled, with homemade cookies, Koolaid scented playdough, trips to the park, and lots of cuddles. He was very grateful that they lived where they had such nice, reliable friends nearby.

Roy was quieter than usual on their first shift together since Jane's hospitalization. Johnny too was preoccupied, and the other men at the station respected their reserve. It was a lot to take in. Captain Stanley watched his paramedics closely to see if there was any reason they shouldn't be working. They seemed to be able to handle their runs. While they were at Rampart, Dr Brackett took them aside individually and asked some questions about how they were doing, and how each thought his partner was coping with things. It was comforting to know that people cared enough to keep an eye on them.

It was mid afternoon, and they were in the squad, coming back from an 'angina' run that had been fairly routine; in fact, the woman was well known to them since she had a pacemaker that seemed to act up on a regular basis. Roy broke the silence. "Hey, Johnny…?"

"Hmmm? Yeah, Roy, what is it?"

"I guess I should ask how you're doing."

"Okay."

"You're okay?"

"No; okay, you can ask me how I'm doing."

Roy grinned just a bit, against his will. "So, how're you doing?"

Johnny shrugged. "As well as can be expected, I guess."

Roy nodded. "Yeah." He sighed. "I think I want to ask you something, but I don't know how."

Johnny was sceptical. "You, Roy? You don't know how to ask me something?"

Roy was exasperated. "It's not like that." He paused, looked out the side window, checked the rear view mirror, and then looked straight ahead. He didn't turn his head when he continued, "You've had a lot of girlfriends."

Johnny's brow furrowed. "Huh? Where did that come from? What on earth are you talking about?" He turned to face his partner, amusement and fear warring across his face. "Please don't tell me you've got a girlfriend! Roy, I can't handle stuff like this! My wife's in the hospital, I'm barely hanging in there, and you are being really weird!"

Roy sighed again. "Of course I don't have a girlfriend. Would you just let me ask you the question?" He shook his head. "No, on second thought, forget it. I don't know what I was thinking to try and talk to you of all people about this."

"Me, of all people. Huh. What is going on with you?"

"Okay. I know this is a bad idea. But, I just…"

"Just spit it out, Roy, before you hurt yourself."

"You've been in love a lot of times."

Johnny grinned sheepishly. "Well, I've been in lust more times than in love, honestly. Just called it love, 'cause it sounds nicer."

"Well, you've had several women that you thought you were in love with. That I do know, 'cause I had to live through it."

Johnny looked at him with his eyebrows raised. "I'm dying to know where you are going with this, you know."

Roy cleared his throat. "I know you love Jane."

John became serious at once. "More than my life." He looked out the side window.

"Were you ever in love with someone else at the same time as you were in love with Jane?"

Johnny turned back to face Roy, his face earnest and solemn. "I am not, and I have never been, in love with Cheryl."

Roy shook his head in frustration. "I really wish I could explain myself better! I know you're not in love with Cheryl. Although, you might have been, as you called it, in lust with her."

"Yeah, I definitely was that." Roy didn't respond. "C'mon, Roy. What's up?" He peered at his partner, suspicion dawning on his face. "Have you fallen in love with someone, Roy? Someone other than your wife?"

Roy quickly replied, "No, no, no. I love Joanne, and the life we have together. We have a great relationship, wonderful kids …no, it's not that. I was just wondering if you knew if it was possible to love more than one person at the same time. From personal experience."

"Why would you want to know that, Roy?" Roy just shrugged. Johnny continued, "Okay, I can see how my behaviour in the past while might lead you to think that I could be falling in love with Cheryl, but seriously, I've never felt the way I feel about Jane with anyone else. I can't tell you what she means to me or how grateful I am you introduced us…"

Johnny blinked his eyes several times and gave a little cough. After a moment, he got his emotion under control and seriously considered Roy's question. "I guess it would be possible. I mean, I can see it happening. And I guess it's common enough, if you look at divorce rates."

"Yeah, you're right. I guess it is common enough."

"You ever gonna tell me why you want to know?"

Roy backed the squad into the barn. "Probably not."


	26. Chapter 26

25

Jane was going home. She had been in the hospital for four days. Her bruises were mostly yellow now, and she could walk short distances without too much discomfort. The flashbacks were becoming less frequent and intense, and seemed to be happening around specific triggers that she could easily avoid, like needles. Every so often she would get tremors in her legs or feel stabbing pains in her back, but she had been given relaxation techniques to help her get through those periods, and had a prescription for medication for the pain. Rose had been in to see her, but they had waited until the marks were not so noticeable, so as not to scare the child. Now she would be coming to the hospital with Johnny to bring Jane back home.

* * *

"We just don't have enough evidence to proceed with the case at this time. We know where the attack happened, we are fairly sure how many persons were involved, and we have a good idea of the sequence of events. But due to the distorted memories of your wife, and although we have our suspicions, it doesn't look good that we will be able to prosecute whoever did this. I'm sorry, Mr. Gage, but that's all I can tell you. We're not closing the file, but the longer this takes, the less likely we are to get a new lead."

Johnny nodded, then, realizing the detective couldn't see him over the phone, he said, "I understand."

"If there is anything else that your wife wants to tell us, don't hesitate to call. You still have my card?"

"Yeah, I have it. Sure, we'll call. Thanks for the update."

* * *

Jane was irritated. "These flowers make the house smell like a funeral! And why is there always stuff lying around? Why can't things be put away?"

Johnny stifled his natural impulse to snap back at her. "Jane, we're all doing our best, here. It's going to be hard for a while. You know that. Try to stop taking it out on us."

She was immediately contrite. "I'm sorry. You don't deserve to be treated like this. I don't know why I say these things." She sighed. "Perhaps I should go away for a bit until I can be nice again."

Rose looked up from where she was coloring a picture on the floor, in panic. "Mommy, no! You can't go! I was so sad! No, please, mommy!" She ran over to her mother and climbed into her lap, throwing her arms around Jane.

Jane squeezed her daughter, and kissed her hair. "I'm not going anywhere, sweetheart. I just don't like the way I'm treating you and your daddy lately."

Rose put her hand on Jane's cheek and looked into her eyes. "It's 'cause the bad men, right, Mommy?"

Jane looked at Johnny over Rose's head. "What bad men, Rose?"

"The bad men hurt you. They took you." Rose snuggled her face onto her mother's neck. "I hate the bad men."

"Me too, honey," said John. He came over and took Rose into his arms, and hoisted her to shoulder height. "Listen Rosie-Posie, no bad men are going to hurt mommy again. I promise!"

Jane looked worried. Her gaze said to Johnny, 'and how on earth are you going to keep that promise?'

He kissed his daughter and put her back down beside her crayons. "I'll find a way," he said to Jane.

* * *

Jane was having a hard time doing ordinary things, like laundry and groceries, despite the support she was getting from Dr Marshall, the hospital chaplain, and Dr Early. When she was working with a patient from the hospital who said that she was very angry and depressed and couldn't stop thinking about dying, Jane felt a darkness pressing on her own mind that was hard to shake. Although it didn't seem like it to other people, to her it felt like her life was careening out of control.

One day, after Johnny was late getting off his shift, she became so angry that she started to hit him when he tried to explain what had kept him. He was totally shocked and taken aback, and Jane herself was horrified. She was so upset by what she had done that she left him home with Rose and before he could stop her, went for a drive, ending up sitting in the empty parking lot of the roller skating rink, crying and hiding from anyone that might be driving by. Johnny was matter-of-fact and distant when she came home a few hours later, and informed her that she was taking an indefinite break from working at the hospital, until she could get her act together. In desperation, Jane called Joanne to talk with her.

The two women were at a coffee shop without the children. "What would help you, Jane? What do you need?"

Jane shook her head. "Most of all I need sleep. I just can't make it through a night without waking up several times, and it's worse when Johnny is working – the bed seems so empty and threatening somehow, and often I am wide awake from midnight till 4 or 5 in the morning." She looked sad and tired. "Did Johnny tell Roy that I hit him?"

Joanne was shocked. "Jane, you didn't! Poor you! Poor him!"

"Yeah, poor him. I feel stuck, Joanne; there is a darkness around me that I can't escape. I feel like I am walking beside myself half the time, watching as I stumble and screw up and feeling helpless to stop any of it."

"I'll take Rose as usual even though you won't be working – it might give you a chance to catch up on your sleep." Jane smiled her gratitude. Who would have known when she was teaching grade one she would have been given the greatest gift – true friends who were closer to her than family? She couldn't imagine her life without Joanne's friendship.

* * *

Dr Marshall talked very earnestly with Jane. "I think it would help you to look exactly at what you've lost as a result of being attacked, Jane. This is part of your story now, and accepting it is part of the healing process. We don't want to do this – we want to try and write bad things that happen out of our history, but in doing so, we become trapped with shame; shame that somehow we were vulnerable enough to allow whatever the horrible thing was to happen."

"I've lost my safety, if that makes any sense. I've somehow confirmed in myself that I deserve bad things to happen to me. I almost want to get away from Johnny and Rose before something else comes along – before they get hurt, before I lose them too...Now, when John goes to work, all I can think about is 'when', not 'if' he'll get hurt – maybe killed – and when he's not there when I expect him to be, I get so terrified I can't think straight. I know rationally it makes no sense. I know in my heart that there's nothing I can do to prevent him getting injured on the job. I know that the man I love has to do what he does, because that's who he is, and the reason I love him…but. There's always a 'but' now. I treat my husband as if I've already lost him because I expect to lose him sometime, maybe soon, maybe today. So I react with fear and hurt him myself. And I hate myself for it. That's what I've lost, Dr Marshall."

He nodded. "You have enough training to realize that what you are describing is a normal reaction to the trauma you've experienced. But you have a lot of strengths, a lot of resilience. Let's look at what you have accomplished, rather than what you are struggling with." With Dr Marshall's help, Jane began to write down the things that she had been able to overcome. The list was longer than she had thought, and it did help, by giving her renewed strength and hope that she would prevail regarding this awful thing too. Dr Marshall counseled her to keep the list in her purse, so she could look at it frequently, especially when she was feeling overwhelmed.

* * *

"Station 51, bus explosion, corner 223rd Street and Main, time out 15.12." "Station 51, 10-4."

"Bus explosion?" exclaimed Johnny to Mike as he passed him to climb into the rig. "That's what I heard too." He shook his head. Chet called out, "Maybe it was a collision?" "Let's roll, and we'll see," ordered Hank.

When they arrived at the scene, it was chaotic, with terrified high school students milling around, crying and shaking, and several adults surrounding a teenaged boy on the ground. The right side of the bus and its interior were blazing. Several police cars were on the scene, and another engine company and squad could be heard arriving in the distance.

Captain Stanley called for two hoses, and radioed the incoming rig what they had. Thankfully, the only other apparent victim was the bus driver. Roy and Johnny quickly grabbed their gear and ran over to the man and boy. It was obvious that the gas tank of the bus had exploded, destroying the back end and lifting the whole vehicle off the road and onto the grass in front of the school.

Vince came up to Captain Stanley. "What on earth happened here, Vince?"

Vince looked angry and disturbed. "This punk kid was mad at some of his classmates and thought it would shake them up to blow up their bus! The students were just getting ready to board when he takes off the gas cap and starts flicking a butane lighter into the hole! Someone told the driver, and he got out mighty quick! Tried to stop the kid, but before he could get to him…" he made an explosion motion with his hands. "It's fortunate, or a miracle that it was the 'late' bus to return students home from an activity, and no other buses or vehicles were nearby."

Hank nodded and called to his crew. "Keep everybody well back from that bus."

* * *

At Rampart, Brackett treated the young man's burns, mostly on his chest, with some damage on the neck area and upper arms; the worst part being that his polyester shirt had melted right into his skin. He would need extensive skin grafts, and even with that he would have permanent scarring that would restrict his bus driver wasn't so lucky – he had taken most of the blast with his body, and it really didn't look like he was going to make it.

Roy and John were discussing the gruesome event with the other paramedic squad who had responded to the call. As Dr Brackett passed by near the nurse's station where the men were talking, Johnny stopped him. "Hey, Doc, were you able to find out what was going on with that kid that he would do a thing like that?"

Kelly shook his head. "I'm on my way now to see who's available from psychiatry to take this on. According to the police, there is some question about the boy's mental status."

Roy asked, "What do you mean, Doc?"

"Well, is he mentally ill? Mentally deficient? Did he understand what he did? The answers will determine whether or not he is criminally charged or remanded to an institution. Either way, once his burns are stable, he'll be staying with us for a thorough psychiatric work up. If that bus driver dies, he will be looking at a murder charge."

The paramedics picked up their gear and headed back out. Sometimes it amazed and scared them what kinds of things people would do to each other.


	27. Chapter 27

Roy, Joanne, Johnny and Jane had gone out to dinner to an Italian restaurant; it was the first time that the two couples had been able to socialize together in a while. Rose was over at the DeSoto's house, playing with their kids. While they were waiting for their meals to arrive, they noticed a commotion starting up at the front of the restaurant, where a waiting line had formed for tables.

A large man, who didn't seem to be standing with anyone, started behaving agitatedly. Johnny reached over and called Roy's attention to the scene. "Hey, check this out," he said quietly. Roy glanced over too, and saw the man start to barrel past people, elbowing them out of his way, and move into the restaurant, despite the redirection of the maitre d'. He was quickly becoming out of control.

Some of the other staff started getting involved in trying to restrain the man as he began aggressively pushing chairs and tables and swiping dishes onto the floor, yelling incoherently. Soon patrons were running and screaming to the back of the room, trying to get away from the man. Joanne and Jane were scared, but Roy told them to stay where they were and be very still.

The paramedics looked at each other; then, in one coordinated movement, they lunged at the man, and brought him down to the ground, while he thrashed around, yelling incoherently. As Johnny pinned his arms, he looked at Roy in surprise. "I smell acetone."

Roy checked the man's breath, and nodded. "Me too." He called the maitre d' over, who was nervously standing to one side, watching the struggle to restrain the large man.

"I've called the police. They're on their way," the maitre d' said, obviously shaking.

Roy nodded and said, "Get me some orange juice, right now."

"Orange juice, sir?"

"Yes! My friend and I are paramedics, and we think this man is hypoglycemic – diabetic – and needs some sugar, now!" The man signaled to one of the staff and relayed the request. As soon as the juice arrived, Roy held the man as still as possible while Johnny got him to swallow some of the juice. Very quickly the man went from being noncompliant to drinking the rest of the glass, as if he was extremely thirsty. To the amazement of everyone else there, within a couple of minutes, he was sitting up on the floor, apologizing for the mess and for scaring the patrons.

Police officers stormed into the restaurant, guns drawn, but put them away when Roy spoke with them. The staff started to clean up the broken dishes, and put the tables and chairs back into place. The large man thanked Johnny and Roy and told them that he was indeed a diabetic, and that he had not expected the long wait for a table, so he hadn't eaten anything for a while before coming to the restaurant. The officer asked Roy if he thought that an ambulance should be called, but Roy shook his head. "I'd get him some real food as soon as possible, though, so his blood sugars can stabilize."

Johnny grinned ruefully as the man sat down at the table behind them, and a waitress came to take his order. One of the officers sat down at the table as well, to take down his statement while the food was being prepared. Johnny rubbed the side of his nose with his finger. "Well, this is a meal we won't forget in a hurry!"

Jane shook her head incredulously and asked Roy, "How did you know we would be okay? I thought he was going to kill someone!"

Roy leaned in and spoke confidently to the others. "Nah, we weren't in any real danger." The women just looked at him in disbelief. He continued, "I noticed that despite his erratic behavior, he seemed to be trying to only hit at or move things, not people. He was being careful."

Joanne frowned. "You noticed that in those few moments?"

He patted her hand. "We see all kinds of weird things in our job." The waitress arrived with their meals, and they toasted each other with their glasses.

"To good friends!" said John.

"To quick thinking husbands!" added Jane.

"Amen!" said Joanne as they clinked glasses together.

* * *

All four of them came into the DeSoto's house after their night out, as Johnny and Jane needed to get Rose. Johnny went into the living room to pick up his daughter from where she was sleeping on the couch, and to carry her out to the Land Rover. Joanne was checking in on their kids and getting an update on how the evening went.

Jane stood in the hallway and smiled at Roy. "It was wonderful to see you again, Roy. Thanks so much for this. If I don't get the chance, please tell Joanne how much I enjoyed this evening."

Roy's heart did a funny little flip and he found himself standing close to her. "You're always welcome, Jane. How are you doing? I mean…"

She sighed. "Better, thanks."

"Yeah? Really?"

She tilted her head and gave a half smile. "If I say it, then it will become true, won't it?"

"So…"

"So, I'm a work in progress. But that's okay. Nothing new."

He touched her shoulder gently. "Anything we can do…" It was meant to be a comforting touch, but he could feel an electric charge in his hand as it came into contact with the bare skin of her upper arm.

Jane looked at him, her eyes widening with awareness. "Roy…" He dropped his hand from her shoulder as if it was burned. Jane's eyes suddenly misted.

Johnny bounced back in just then. "So, honey, you ready to go?"

She nodded and touched Roy's arm lightly, saying, "See you?" He nodded back, as Joanne came up beside him and wrapped her arm around his waist, smiling at Johnny and Jane as they waved goodbye and walked over to their car. Roy could feel the place where Jane's hand had touched his arm as if it had its own heat. He hugged Joanne tightly, and suddenly, desperately, needed to be as physically close to her as possible…

* * *

Joanne got up, threw on her bathrobe, and walked back into the kitchen to tidy up and get things ready for the morning. Roy pulled on some jeans and t-shirt and followed her. She looked closely at her husband. "You okay?"

"I'm fine, why do you ask?"

"You are not fine. Remember who you are talking to. I know you so well, Roy DeSoto. I can smell when something's up." Roy didn't look at his wife, but just sat down at the table and started flipping through the newspaper. Joanne took it out of his hands. "Roy, look at me." He sighed, and looked into his wife's beautiful brown eyes. God, she was so pretty, and so sweet. Joanne smiled, as if reading his mind.

Then she narrowed her eyes. "Ah," she said.

"What?"

"Okay, I think I've got a handle on it now."

"Will you please tell me what you are talking about?"

She nodded as if confirming something to herself, and turned away to put dishes into the sink to be washed. He sighed again and got up to help her. She didn't look at him when he came and started putting things beside the sink for washing. "Joanne…"

"It's okay, Roy. I'm not worried."

He grabbed the dish that was in her hand, and put it on the counter. "Not worried about what?" he demanded.

She looked at him wistfully but lovingly. "It's the 'Lost Puppy Syndrome.' You never could stop your heart from caring about the one who's lost, or hurt, or lonely." Roy looked carefully at his wife, but he was afraid to say anything. Did she really know what had happened to him earlier? Was she that in tune with him?

She put her hands on his shoulders, and looked him directly in the eyes. "Just don't build it into something bigger, okay? And if you want or need to talk about it, I'm always here. Even for this. Remember, it's the secret that gives the power."

Roy's eyes widened, and he sat down with a thump on a chair at the table. "You know?" he said in a small voice.

She sat down beside him and held his hand. "I know you. I know how you are. I know what's in your heart." She put her hand over his heart, and he covered it with his own.

"And you're not mad?"

"Oh, Roy, if I thought that you were any less of an honourable man, I might be. If I didn't know with every corner of my soul that you love me, then yes, I would be angry, and jealous, and scared. But that's not who you are. And it was only a matter of time before it was some beautiful woman who touched your heart, and not a stray puppy or sick child."

She got up again, and walked around the kitchen, picking up a cloth and wiping the counter, not looking at him. "Jane is a very good friend, and she would never do anything to hurt me or my family, even if she did feel something for you." She stood in front of his chair and looked down at him. "I trust both of you; but especially you, Roy. I love you more than I can say. Just don't keep it a secret from me. Don't keep any secrets from me. There's nothing that could hurt me more than that. Nothing."

He nodded, and Joanne sat down on his lap and put her arm around his shoulders. "Do you want to tell me about it?" He leaned into Joanne, closed his eyes, and said a silent prayer of thanks for this woman who was his wife, his friend, his love.

Joanne got a mischievous look in her eyes. "I should have seen it coming. All the portents were right – damsel in distress, heroic impulses thwarted…after all, when I'm feeling challenged, that's when I develop my crushes…"

Roy looked at her in surprise. "You get crushes?"

"All the time." She patted his cheek. "I used to dream about Ryan O'Neal for months after we saw "Love Story." Roy was torn between grinning and frowning, which caused such a conflict of expressions on his face that Joanne burst out laughing. She kissed his cheek.

Roy sheepishly asked, "Has there been anyone, um, more accessible that you've had a crush on?"

Joanne nodded. "Our minister."

Roy was taken aback. "Really?"

Joanne replied, "Yep. If you think about it, it's not so strange. I really go for the caring-for-others type; you know, the guy who's willing to sacrifice himself in a good cause…plus he's really cute in his robes. There's just something about a man in uniform!" Roy started to laugh too.

Then he got serious and looked at Joanne's face carefully. "What do I do about it?"

She smiled. "You mean your crush on Jane?" He nodded, noting with interest the difference it made for how he felt about the situation when she said 'crush'. "Nothing. Except to talk to me when it's on your mind, so you won't obsess about it." She patted his arm. "You know, I love her too. But in a friend way."

He said, "That's how it used to be for me."

"It will again, I'm sure. Give it time. And…"

"Talk to you," he interrupted. "I got it."

* * *

Jane awoke with the sunrise. She went into the living room, and sat in the quiet room looking at nothing for quite awhile, thinking. Something was calling her faintly; a voice? A memory? Eventually she went back into the bedroom and pulled on her jeans and a blouse as quietly as she could.

As she brushed her hair, she glanced over at Johnny sleeping with one arm flung over his head and smiled, her pulse quickening when she looked at him. She still felt a thrill that he was hers. She contemplated climbing back into bed beside him and waking him up, sure that he wouldn't mind at all, but the call of the nameless thing was stronger, and she blew him a kiss that he couldn't see, and gently closed the door.

Rose heard her, stirred and called for her from her room as she walked by. Jane went in and told her that she could watch some TV if she wanted, but only on the channel they had agreed, nothing else. Rose nodded, and Jane bent down, kissed her daughter's head, and brought her into the living room. She put the TV on, got some breakfast onto the table and said, "Be back soon, sweetie." Rose didn't look away from the images on the screen.

Johnny rolled over in bed and went to put his arm over Jane, but it landed on the mattress. He opened his eyes groggily and saw that the sun was streaming in the window. He sat up, grabbed a t-shirt and pulled it on. Then he drifted into the living room, yawning, where he could hear the TV on low. "Hey, Princess, where's your mommy?" Rose looked up from the floor where she was surrounded by stuffed toys, all facing the TV while a cartoon gamboled across the screen. "Dunno," she shrugged. It was a perfect imitation of her father.

The table had cereal in a bowl, a cup of milk, some fruit in another bowl, and some toast piled on a plate, with jam and a spoon beside it. Jane had obviously planned whatever she was doing. Johnny wandered around the house, and checked outside to see if she was in the yard. The car was there, and her purse and keys were by the door, so she hadn't gone far, wherever she was. It was around 7.30 in the morning on a Sunday, and they happened to all be at home and without commitments for the day.

Johnny stretched and sat down at the table, absent-mindedly eating the dry cereal from the bowl with his fingers. He looked over on the kitchen counter and thought he saw a piece of paper there, so he got up, went over and picked it up: 'Gone for a walk. Back soon, love you.'

Gone for a walk? What was Jane thinking? She hadn't gone for a walk since she was attacked. Why today? Why now? He sighed deeply and pursed his lips together, tapping his fingers on the countertop. Rose was still in her pajamas; he'd just woken up. He shook his head, and decided to get Rose ready for the day, anyway. "C'mon, my Rosie princess, we're going to get dressed and surprise Mommy."

"Fireman carry!" Rose demanded with a grin.

"Fireman carry? What's that?" She held up her arms to Johnny, and he swung her up into his arms, and blew a raspberry on her belly while she squealed and laughed.


	28. Chapter 28

At first Jane didn't know where she was going, but soon she wasn't surprised to see that her feet were leading her back to the park. It was as if there were magnets drawing her in. There wasn't anyone there yet, as it was too early in the day.

'Why are people fascinated by crime and accident scenes?' she wondered, and although she'd never been someone who had lingered at something – she had too much personal experience to ever want to intrude on someone else's pain without a darn good reason – she couldn't help herself…She walked all the way to the other side, where she had entered the park that fateful night, and remembered her life-changing decision to cut through to get home sooner. She sighed; what on earth had she been thinking? Oh, well. That's what she had done, and now here she was, back again.

She looked towards the swing sets and saw the ghostly shapes of her attackers through her mind's eye. Could she see anything that might identify them? Could she remember more than she already had? Did she want to remember? Ah, now that was a question.

She noticed that there was a bench nearby. She went to sit down on it, looking slowly around, not pushing any thing in her mind, just sitting…she closed her eyes and listened to the morning sounds; birds in the trees, a car starting up on the road nearby, the hum of insects warming up, a cat meowing, a dog barking in the distance…she focused on breathing deeply as Dr Strong had shown her to do.

She was safe, she was alive. Relax and let the breath flow in and out. "Sweet dreams…" she heard someone whisper in her ear and her eyes flew open and she leapt to her feet, breathing fast, her heart racing. Was he there? She looked around. She was alone. It was a flashback. Oh my goodness, but it had felt real!

She started walking carefully down the path that led to the other side of the park, the one she had been heading for last time, but now all the calmness was gone and it was replaced by wariness, a deep fear that gripped her mind and gut. 'Why, why, why did I come here? What was I trying to accomplish? How am I going to get home safely?'

As she walked, her pace increased and she consciously had to keep herself from running, telling herself that these feelings were just memories, they were normal, she really was safe. Suddenly she stopped, as if she hit a wall. Her chest hurt because her heart was bounding so hard. She took some deep breaths.

'Okay, now try and clear your mind. Think. Why would you stop here?' Cautiously, she looked around. A sinking feeling came to her, and she looked for something to hold onto. She leaned up against the nearest tree and wrapped her arm around it for more stability.

Somewhere right around here…She closed her eyes and remembered the needle going into her arm…the falling sensation…she fought to stay upright in the here and now…in her mind she floated to the ground as if she was a piece of paper…ouch. Her back began to spasm and she started to feel nauseous, bile rising in her throat. Now what? Could she move away from this place and get home?

* * *

After they were both ready for the day, Johnny saw that their neighbor, Mrs. Ross, was up and working in her back garden, so spontaneously he leaned over the fence and asked if she'd be willing to look after Rose for a little bit while he ran an errand for Jane.

Mrs. Ross was delighted, and took Rose from his arms as he handed her up and over with an "alley- oop!" Mrs. Ross gave her a small hand spade and told her she could dig at a spot near her feet. She asked Johnny how Jane was doing, and he replied, "Fine. Much better. She's a pretty tough cookie."

Mrs. Ross smiled and said "Give her my best, and please tell her she can drop Rose off with me any time I'm available." Her voice dropped to a whisper. "Have you had any word about her attackers?" Johnny shook his head, and Mrs. Ross sighed, and turned her attention to what Rose was doing. "Take your time, John," she called as he turned and left the yard. He waved.

Johnny stood for a moment in the driveway, trying to imagine what could be going on in Jane's mind. Suddenly, he was sure she had gone to the park. He scowled, and got into the Land Rover. He'd sure give her a 'talking to' when he found her. To go there alone! At the very least she should have asked him to come with her! She really, really made it difficult to protect her sometimes!

* * *

Jane was hugging the tree with her eyes closed, when she heard someone jogging down the path beside her. She grinned slightly in embarrassment, thinking that she probably looked like some weird hippie tree-lover standing there communing with nature. She opened her eyes, and smiled tentatively at the person as he passed. He just nodded and kept going. The park was waking up, and soon other people would be arriving; more runners, children playing, and families for picnics…She let go of the tree and stood upright. Then she looked down.

* * *

John found a place on the street to park the Land Rover and started looking for Jane from the road. Because he was at the other end of the park, he couldn't see her right away. He didn't know any more of the actual location of her attack because he honestly hadn't wanted to know – what he did know was painful enough for him to deal with, without having that information too. "Jane?" he called. He started walking towards the path that cut through the middle of the park.

* * *

"I've been here before. I know this place." There was a copse of bushes, with some trees interposed, creating a nice picnicking area…or a perfect place for a late night rape. There. She thought it. For the first time, she didn't call it an attack, but what it was. She could see where it would be easy for a couple of people to keep watch while something happened here. She gritted her teeth and forced herself to look around more closely, but the images that came to her mind were all jumbled together and surreal, like a Dali painting.

Johnny saw her from a distance, standing still off the path amongst some bushes, and started running towards her. "Jane!" She didn't look up. He caught her arm and said, "Honey, it's me." She looked at him, surprised. "Jane, what are you doing here? What were you thinking? Why didn't you ask me to come with you if you wanted to come here?"

She said, "I didn't know I was coming here when I left."

Johnny put his arm around her. "Can we go home now?"

"There's something here, Johnny. Something that's just…you know that 'tip of your tongue' feeling when you're searching for a word? I have that, but it's not a word, it's something to do with what happened here. I can't leave, not just yet."

"Okay, then, let me help you. What are you looking for?"

"That's just it, I have no idea. I don't remember anything clearly – it's all influenced by the drug images. But there is something…something, I just don't know…." She closed her eyes tightly and stood still for several moments. He waited patiently. Finally she looked at him with surprise and shock, her eyes open wide. "I think there may have been witnesses!"

"You mean those other guys?" The look of disgust on his face was strong.

"No, I mean other people in the park…afterwards, I was lying here, and the last one was done…oh, Johnny, love, don't look like that, please…I think there were people who walked by on the path…I think they saw me. I'm sure they saw me."

"How can you be sure when your mind was so messed up?"

"It's not like it was messed up all the time. I think that was when they shot me up again – is that the term? But there was a window when I knew, and somehow they knew too, that I had a clearer mind. I didn't remember this until now, standing here. Did I call out to those people? Is that why they gave me more drugs? I think one of them may have told the…two men! It was two men!...that I was an addict or something and they were taking care of me and so they just kept walking…"

Johnny held onto her tightly and closed his eyes. Was this the breakthrough that the detective was hoping for? Had this really happened? Would they be able to trace two men who had been in the park that night? Would this nightmare end soon?

* * *

Johnny drove Jane over to the police station, and they told the officer on duty that Jane had some information to give to Detective Berger. They waited in the reception area, and then Jane was offered to talk to someone right away, or to meet with the detective the following morning when he came in for his shift. She agreed that he could call her at home when he wanted her to come in, and she would come by at his convenience. Johnny didn't like the idea very much because he would be working, but Jane felt that it would be good to give her new knowledge some time to percolate, in a manner of speaking, and see if she could remember any details about the men she thought had been witnesses.

As they were driving away from the police station, she turned to Johnny and said with surprise, "That's where the plaid shirt came from! It wasn't my attackers; one of the men walking by had it on! I see it now! My mind must have taken the pattern after they gave me more drugs and created that experience of the colorful tracks!"

"Do you think that helps?"

She nodded emphatically; suddenly happy. "Yes, I do. I believe that if we can find the man with the plaid shirt, he would remember me! He would remember the men and what they looked like! He would be able to say what he saw, about me lying on the ground! Johnny! We can do this!" He grinned at her enthusiasm and took her left hand with his right, squeezing it tight. She continued, "Because they don't have anything to hide, they won't be trying not to be identified..."

Johnny gave her hand another squeeze and then put both his hands back on the steering wheel. "Honey, we don't know that. We don't know why they were in the park that night. They could have been up to something too, you know." He had to say it, even if it was hard to look at her crestfallen face.

Then she shook her head. "Not everybody's a bad guy, Johnny. And even if they weren't exactly doing what they should, don't you think that they would want to catch these men, who had done something terrible?" She folded her arms across her chest, as if guarding her new found optimism from his reality check.

He wanted to reach over and kiss her, right then and there, and his feelings threatened to overcome him, so he pulled over to the side of the road, and took her into his arms, burying his face in her hair. "Hey, are you okay?" she asked with concern. He didn't answer, and although he made no sound she could feel his chest moving erratically, and after a moment she pulled away slightly to try and see his face. "Are you crying?" He just held her tight, and she comforted him. "Shh, it's okay, everything's going to be all right, you'll see."

He gave a shaky laugh. "How stupid is this? You telling me it's okay."

She gently pulled his head down onto her shoulder. "But it is. I know it is. I've got you. Together, we are greater than anything the world can throw at us." She kissed his hair, and ran her fingers through it.

"Ah, Jane. My incredible Jane. Let's go home."

* * *

Even though they were told that there wasn't enough information to identify the possible witnesses, Jane was undaunted. She firmly believed that something, somewhere, at some time, would turn up that would lead to a reopening of her case.

Johnny wondered at her spirit. It amazed him that with all she'd been through she was still determined that things would work out. He asked her how she could be so loving with him after what she had been through, both when she was a little girl, and now with this horrific attack. She was honestly surprised by his concerns.

"When you hold me, when we are together, it is nothing like what I experienced with those other people. They really have no relationship to each other at all. With you I feel safe and completely loved. You are kind and gentle. You respect me. I feel whole. You are my best friend. The incredible selfishness, the pain, being treated like a piece of meat or a thing to be used and abused…those experiences are a universe away from you and me. There is nothing in common."

Johnny drew her to him and held her close. They lay in quiet togetherness and peace until Jane fell asleep in his arms. He listened to her steady breathing, his heart full of gratitude, until soon, he too fell asleep.


	29. Chapter 29

29

Roy and Johnny were called on a run to the local high school. A grade nine boy had put his hand into an industrial dryer in the gymnasium locker room to try and pull out a towel while the dryer drum was still rotating. The large, wet towels had wrapped around his arm, and the force of the turning drum grabbed on to it like an electric mixer.

As they unwrapped him from the mess of towels, John and Roy looked grim. The boy was in so much pain that he passed out, which was probably a blessing, as he didn't see the wreckage that used to be his hand and arm. They controlled the bleeding with a tourniquet, wrapped it up in bandages as best they could, inserted an IV with MS, and transported him to Rampart.

* * *

Dr Brackett's eyebrows drew together. He shook his head, sighed, and told the paramedics, "We'll need to amputate the whole arm. There's no question. The damage is too extensive and irreparable. Have we been able to locate the boy's parents? They'll need to sign consent as soon as possible."

Johnny nodded. "The school called his mother right away, and she should be arriving any time now."

"It's such a shame," said Roy.

Dr Brackett nodded. "It is. But we have the technology available so that he will be fitted with a prosthetic arm, and he should be able to lead a normal life."

John grunted. "I guess it could have been worse."

Kelly patted Johnny's back as the paramedics turned to leave the treatment room. "If it wasn't for you guys, it definitely would have been."

"Yeah, but I wonder if this kid will look at it that way," said Roy.

* * *

Dr Marshall, the chaplain who was Jane's mentor and friend, approached her desk and sat down in the chair beside it. She smiled at him questioningly. "Jane, we have a case right now that we might want you to be involved in. Dr Early asked me to talk to you and see how you felt about it." Jane was surprised. Normally the doctors would approach her directly about doing something for a patient.

"Umm, okay, Dr Marshall; you know I'd be happy to do whatever I can."

He gave a little shake of his head. "This one isn't so simple, Jane." He looked down at his hands. Jane grinned. He looked very much like Dr Joe when he did that. He noticed her grin, recognized that he was doing exactly what Joe would do and smiled back, but then became serious.

"Jane, a young girl, well, young woman actually, has come into the Emergency, and she needs to talk to someone as soon as possible." Jane felt a chill; somehow she knew why they had asked Dr Marshall to talk to her, and why it wasn't a given that she would be involved. Although it had been a year since she was attacked, there were some things from which her friends wanted to protect her. She had spoken with Dr Marshall at length over the course of the year, when something would come up that triggered flashbacks or panic attacks, just as she had met with Dr Joe about pain issues when they had arisen. Everything seemed resolved as far as she was concerned, and although the authorities still did not have suspects or any new leads, she felt that she had moved on with her life.

She raised her eyebrows and bit her lip. "Was she attacked?" Dr Marshall nodded. Jane continued in a somewhat smaller voice. "Was she drugged?" Dr Marshall nodded again. "And you want me to talk with her?" He didn't respond. "But…wouldn't that confuse things for the police?"

"Actually, Jane, it was Detective Berger's idea. He would be there with you, and the hope is that it might help both of you. He really wants to catch these people, and he feels this might be an opportunity to do so – you have a position here at the hospital which allows you contact with victims of violent crimes as part of your job; no confidentiality rules would be broken. The question is, are you up to it? Would it be too difficult for you?"

Jane let out the breath she didn't know she'd been holding in check with a 'whoosh'. To talk to someone who had been through what she had been through…to be able to help someone recover from the terrible violation…could she do it? She knew she had to try. This time she was the one who nodded. "Of course, Dr Marshall, I will do whatever I can, and whatever the detective wants me to do."

* * *

Monica was fifteen years old. She was already in a private room. Jane went with Detective Berger in to see her. Her mother was holding her hand, but Monica was listless and withdrawn, unresponsive to the other people in the room.

Jane felt her stomach roll over when she saw Monica's arms. Her brown hair was in disarray, and her lip was swollen. Her eyes looked dead, and Jane somehow knew that she had looked exactly like that when things had happened to her. Detective Berger's hand steadied her arm. "You okay? Can you do this?" he said to her in a low voice. She nodded, suppressing her nausea, and walking over to the side of the girl's bed.

"Monica? My name is Jane. Although I'm not a doctor or a nurse, I work at the hospital with people who are going through a bad time." She sat down beside the bed. She looked at Monica's face with compassion. "It doesn't come much worse than the bad time you are going through."

Monica looked at Jane with suspicion. She gave a short derisive laugh. "How would you know what I've been through? Who the hell are you?"

Her mother remonstrated with her daughter. "Monica! These people only want to help you!" Monica turned her face away towards the wall.

Jane looked understandingly at her mother and said, "It might be better if you could wait outside. Would you mind?" Her mother looked very sad, shook her head, and followed the nurse into the hallway.

Jane waited until the door was closed and then asked, "Monica, were you aware that Detective Berger has worked before with the type of attack that you experienced?"

Monica looked skeptical, and shrugged. She sounded sullen and resentful when she said, "What does it matter? They made sure I wouldn't remember anything except the pain, anyway."

Jane replied, "I think it does matter. It means that you aren't the first person this happened to, and that you might not be the last. It means that we might have resources to catch the people who did this to you, if you are able and willing to try and remember whatever you can about what happened." Monica looked down at the blankets covering her body. A shiver coursed through her and she grew paler. She shook her head very slightly.

Jane continued, "You'd be surprised at what you do remember, despite having been drugged. Colors, smells, sounds…they are all memories too, and something might be the key to catching these men." There was no reaction from the girl.

Jane closed her eyes and waited for inspiration to come about what to say. After a moment she said softly, "You were walking home and decided to take a short-cut. At first you weren't worried, but then some guy came towards you…"

Monica looked at Jane curiously and with some suspicion. "How do you know that? I haven't told anyone what happened." Jane opened her eyes and looked at Monica directly; then she looked at the detective standing at the end of the bed.

He nodded to her and told her, "Go with your instincts."

She looked back at Monica. "You didn't see who was there, not to identify anyone clearly. And the drugs have messed up your memories so badly that you don't trust what you do remember."

Monica sighed. Then she peered closely at Jane. "You understand. It's almost as if you were there." She looked at Detective Berger. "I'll give you what I can, but it's so little… and so screwed up in my head."

* * *

While Johnny was at the hospital on a run, Dixie pulled him aside, and told him about what Jane was doing. "The detective felt that it might help both of them, Johnny. He's trying any way he can to get all the information possible."

Johnny was horrified. "There's been another attack?"

Dixie nodded. "A fifteen year old girl this time."

"And Jane consented to talk to her?" He was suddenly angry. "What were Early and that detective thinking? After all she's been through, after spending a year getting this behind her, you guys just ask her to bring it all up again?"

"Johnny, I knew you'd be upset, that's why I'm giving you the 'head's up' – so that you can keep an eye on how Jane's dealing with this, and help her out if she needs it."

Johnny shook his head indignantly. "Those guys have some nerve!"

Dixie replied, "Perhaps. But listen, Johnny, if it helps this girl, if it can somehow work to catch these monsters…"

He growled. "I just wish it wasn't at Jane's expense."

She nodded. "Of course you do."

* * *

John touched Roy's arm to get his attention while Roy was talking with Dr Morton. "Sorry to interrupt, Roy. Listen, you okay if we hang around for a few minutes or so? I want to see Jane before we head back to the station."

"Sure, no problem. Something up?"

"Yeah, maybe. I dunno."

"Okay, I'll call us in 'available.' Where will I meet you?"

"If we get a run, just find me, okay?" Roy looked surprised, but nodded.


	30. Chapter 30

Chapter 30

Jane listened to Monica, asking gentle questions now and then. Detective Berger took a lot of notes. Monica closed her eyes, and a tear rolled down her cheek. Jane touched her shoulder, saying to the detective, "I think we should let her rest. We all need a break." She looked at Monica and tears filled her own eyes, but did not fall. "We'll go now, but if you want me, all you have to do is ask. Anytime, and I will come see you."

Monica opened her eyes. She looked at Jane intently. "You know, don't you? You're not just some trained professional – you've been there." Jane didn't say anything, but just gently squeezed her shoulder and said, "See you, Monica. I hope you get some good sleep now."

She and the detective left the room and walked together towards the emergency. "I can't thank you enough for what you did in there, Jane."

"Did it help?"

"In terms of catching these guys, I don't honestly know yet, but I could see that it was a real help to that poor girl to talk about it." As Jane leaned up against the wall, Berger asked, "Are you okay?"

Jane nodded. "I think so."

Johnny saw her leaning against the wall, with Berger standing beside her, and ran over. "Jane! Dix just told me. What were you thinking, Hon? You didn't have to do this!"

Jane hugged him. "Yes, I did. It was okay, Johnny. I just need some time to assimilate everything."

He glared at the detective. "I don't like this one bit, Berger."

"I understand completely, John."

"I don't think you do, or you would never have suggested this to my wife," Johnny continued in an angry voice. It was obvious he was prepared to argue his point.

Roy came up just then, and spoke to Johnny. "We gotta go, partner."

"I'll call you later, Jane. Get someone to come to the house tonight if you need it."

"I'll be fine. You go. Be safe; I love you."

He waved to her, and was gone.

'So, what's up? Anything you want to talk about?" asked Roy. "I saw that detective with Jane – anything new on her case?"

"In a way." Johnny clenched his jaw. "There's been another victim."

"That's terrible!" Roy shook his head in horror and disgust. "How is Jane?"

"She says she's okay." John's frustration returned. "I wish they had talked to me before asking her to get involved!"

"Yeah, I can understand that."

Monica asked to see Jane first thing the next morning. As soon as Jane could, she went over and knocked on Monica's door. "Come in!" she called. As Jane entered, Monica sat up straighter in her bed, and said, "I knew it was you!" She seemed pleased and relieved. "You knocked for one thing – everyone else just comes in. But I just felt that you would come see me."

Jane smiled. "You asked for me?"

Monica nodded. Then she became shy and began playing with her blankets. "I want to tell you something. It's about a dream I had last night."

Jane sat down on the side of her bed. "Okay." She was intrigued, especially by Monica's shyness. She tilted her head so that she could get a better look at the girl's down turned face. "I'm listening."

"This is going to sound weird, but somehow I think you should hear it." Jane waited, and finally Monica looked up. "Last night I dreamed that I was in another place. I was talking with a man who told me that this terrible thing was going to happen to me. He asked me if I would agree to let it happen so that evil could be stopped. I was very scared, and told him that I didn't think I could survive it. Then I saw that you were there. And you looked at me, and I knew you were my friend.

And you said to me, "I will go first, so I can be there to help you go through this, so that this evil can end."

Jane sat very still, holding onto Monica's hand. Then she squeezed it firmly and said, "Together, Monica, we will do all that we can to stop the evil."

Johnny took deep breaths and leaned up against the squad, while Roy sat down on the running board, his head in his hands, trying to steady himself. In fact all the men of Station 51 were shaken up, and were leaning on something for support or sitting down. Every one of them had just narrowly escaped probable death or at the very least severe injury. They had all been inside the church building, working on putting out the fire and checking for injured or trapped people when the explosion occurred. Papers and ashes were still floating past them in the air as they tried to catch their breaths.

Soon Captain Stanley was going from man to man, checking on his crew, asking his paramedics to make sure everyone was really okay, and shaking his head in disbelief when it was evident that everyone was fine. He raised his head to heaven, and said a silent prayer of thanks.

The church had been in the process of being set up for a craft fair and luncheon fundraiser. A man, angry that his wife was spending so much time there, had set a fire in the basement to punish her and the members of the congregation. While the firemen were getting everyone out, flames reached the area that contained an old boiler. As the ceiling started to fall in, the pressure regulator was the first thing to break and excessive pressure built up very quickly within it. The ensuing explosion was incredible and took out half the building, just seconds after the last firefighter was out the door.

Debris of stone, brick, and timber were scattered for blocks, with burnt papers floating a mile away. The arsonist had been watching the fire, hoping to scare his wife and her friends, but when he saw the destruction he had caused, he turned himself in to one of the policemen at the scene and was arrested immediately.

Because the fire had been set in a church, a TV crew had been dispatched when the first call for firefighters went out over the air. Not only were there people in the building who needed to get out quickly, but the street was full of police cruisers, reporters and their equipment, and random spectators. As a result, the television and radio news reports were full of the near tragedy, with 'breaking news' updates every few minutes, reminding everyone very clearly how extremely dangerous firefighting could be. A couple of firemen had gotten hit with debris, but it looked like the most serious injuries involved bruises only. It was absolutely amazing that no one was really hurt.

Jane heard about the fire when the relative of a patient, who had been listening to live accounts on the radio, came into the Emergency asking for more details from hospital personnel. She heard him calling for information on the fire, and ran to watch the TV news in the lounge. Dixie had heard about the fire at the nurse's station when the call first went out, and she joined Jane in the lounge as soon as she could, after alerting the trauma team for possible victims. When they turned on the TV, the camera was panning over the aftermath of the explosion, and the reporter was exclaiming agitatedly over the close call all of them had.

Jane scanned the images closely, checking for each individual firefighter, each friend's turn out or helmet. When she saw that they were all safe, she was so grateful that she fell to her knees on the floor in front of the television, burying her face in her hands. Dixie reached out and patted her back while she sat on the couch. They watched the camera views of what little was left of the church building, marveling in awe.

Dr Morton came into the lounge. "Any news?" he asked in trepidation.

Dixie's relief showed on her face. "Everyone's okay, and we won't be needing those extra rooms and supplies after all."

"Thank God."

"You can say that again."

Johnny and Jane stood in the doorway of Rose's room with their arms around each other, watching their daughter sleep in her new 'big girl' bed. He turned and kissed her, and she leaned into his shoulder and said to him, "You're home. You're safe. Everyone we love is safe."

He gave her a one armed hug and nodded. They walked together back to their bedroom. John told her about the explosion and fire, and what hadn't been on the news, then Jane told him about what Monica had said to her about her dream. She added, "It felt right, Johnny, like I was meant to be there to help stop this evil, meant to be there for Monica and others who might otherwise have to be alone to face these terrible things." They sat beside each other on the bed and Jane looked at him. "I've realized something. Sometimes we have to go through awful and scary things to be able to make the world a better place."

He raised his eyebrows. "Huh. I guess we both do that in our own ways, don't we? C'mere, and kiss me." He enfolded her in his arms. "Right now, the best place is here, with you."


	31. Chapter 31

Chapter 31

Jane was passing through the emergency department and Dixie called her over to the nurse's station, as Johnny and Roy were there getting some supplies. John grinned at her as he leaned up against the counter, and Roy continued with the story he was telling Dixie about an interesting run they'd had that morning, that hadn't ended up at Rampart. "So this little girl was just walking along the street with her grandmother, and then whoop! She disappeared!"

"Oh, come on now, Roy, she didn't just disappear!"

Johnny stood up and took supplies from Roy's hands to stack them on the counter with the other things they had already collected. "She sure did, Dix! Right down an open manhole!"

"An open manhole. Really."

"Well, someone forgot to put the cover back on after they cleared up from working, and the grandmother wasn't checking the ground; neither was the girl."

"I take it that she's okay, since you didn't bring her in."

Roy nodded. "Yeah, she's fine, just a little shook up. A couple of scrapes on her elbow and knees. We told the grandmother to bring her in if she felt things weren't right, so you may see them here."

Jane raised her eyebrows. "That would be so disconcerting! You're just walking along, and then suddenly you're in a dark hole!"

Roy added, "I've got a feeling someone from the city is going to get quite the earful from that grandma!"

Johnny gave a snorting laugh. "Yeah, she was pretty hot under her collar about the whole thing. D'ya think she'll try and sue?"

Jane was standing beside the counter looking down the hallway towards the entrance as if imaging the girl's adventure. Suddenly she started to crumple where she stood, and John grabbed around her waist. "Whoa, there. Hang on."

Roy dropped what he was holding, and came quickly to help her also. "You okay, Jane?" Dixie brought her stool around into the hallway and made Jane sit down on it. She felt Jane's forehead, and Roy took her pulse, while John was asking her to open her eyes so he could check them. Jane tried to wave them all away from her. Roy looked at Dixie with a puzzled frown. "Her heart's bounding. And respirations seem awfully fast." John was encouraging her to take deep slow breaths, and keep her head low.

Jane pushed them all away and stood up, still breathing quickly. Without a word she started walking purposefully away from them and down the hallway, while the others stood at the station, baffled by her behavior. She went directly into the waiting area, following a couple who had just come out of Treatment room 3.

A woman in her early twenties, with messy dark hair, wearing jeans and a man's shirt, was supporting a man wearing a mechanic's jumpsuit, who had a bandaged foot. He looked to be slightly older than the woman. As they sat down, Jane came and stood in front of them. The woman looked at her curiously, her arm around her boyfriend's shoulders. "Yes? What do you want? We've already seen the doctor, and he told us to wait here." Jane ignored her and looked at the man. He looked at her briefly, and then turned his face away.

Dixie, Roy and Johnny came up to Jane, and stood beside her. "Jane? What's going on, Hon?" asked John. He reached out to her, but she shook her head, not looking at him. They could see her chest rising and falling quickly. Her hands were clenched on either side of her.

"I know you," she said to the man. Her face was like stone.

"Excuse me? You know my boyfriend? And who the hell are you?" demanded his female companion.

The man gave a short derisive laugh. "Obviously some nut case."

"I know you," Jane repeated, "and you know me."

The woman stood up and got into Jane's face. "Back off you crazy…"

"Hey, hey, now!" said Dixie, and tried to take Jane's arm. She shrugged her off curtly.

"I know you, and you know me," Jane repeated again.

"What is your problem? Back off, I said!"

Jane didn't look away from the man, but said to Dixie, "Call security." Dixie didn't question Jane, but relayed the request right away. Dr Brackett arrived to see what the commotion was about.

"Jane? What are you doing? What's going on?"

"Dr Brackett, you need to get security here right away."

"Okay, Jane, but why?"

The woman turned to her boyfriend. "Who is this woman, and why does she just keep saying that she knows you? What is all this?"

"Like you said, some crazy lady. C'mon, let's get out of here. We don't need this crap."

He started to rise out of his seat, but Jane said very firmly, "STOP." Everyone looked at her in surprise. She still did not take her eyes off the man. "I know who you are, and…" she raised her chin slightly, took a deep breath and then said, "And I remember what you did."

Comprehension dawned on the others' faces, with the exception of the girlfriend, who turned again to her companion. "What do you mean, what he did? What did you do?" Without waiting for a response from him, she rounded on Jane, yelling, "Whoever you are, you're a liar! He never did anything to you!"

A security officer arrived and asked Dr Brackett what he needed. The doctor looked curiously at her. "Jane? Security is here." She nodded. Johnny and Roy were in shock as they realized the implications of Jane's words and actions.

Dixie touched Jane's arm again and this time she did not try to throw her hand off. She said quietly to Jane, "Can you prove any of this? That's quite an accusation."

Jane nodded again. "I think so. I'm sure of it." A look of mingled disgust and sadness crossed her face.

"Ma'am?" interrupted the officer, "What are you accusing this man of?"

Jane continued to stare stony-faced at the man. "You know what you did. And I know I wasn't the only one you did it to."

He shook his head. "I have no idea what you are talking about. You have nothing on me." He started to hobble towards the entrance.

"Check his tattoo. Right arm," Jane called out, and his girlfriend stared at her in surprise, as he grasped his arm convulsively.

Johnny said through gritted teeth to Roy, "I'm going to kill him. I'm going to kill him!" and Roy grabbed him to hold him back from the other man.

"No, no, you can't, John! Leave it to security! Leave it to the cops!"

The woman looked confused and scared, the man fearful and belligerent. Jane continued, "He's a part-time wrestler, isn't he? That's how he knows how to pin them down so they can't move." The woman dropped her boyfriend's arm as if it were poison and looked first at him, then at Jane in horror.

He blustered, "She's nuts, like you said." He came towards Jane and yelled into her face, "You're crazy! I never saw you before!"

She just stood her ground. "I know you. And I know what you did, you and your friends." Dr Brackett grabbed the man's right arm, pushed up his sleeve, and the tattoo was there on his forearm. Jane just nodded.

Roy felt like he would like to beat the man to a pulp too, when he saw the tattoo. Johnny stood ready to pounce, eyes narrowed, and fists clenched. Roy could feel his blood pounding in his ears, and glancing at Johnny, he could tell he was literally 'seeing red.' Part of his mind registered that men have a primal need to protect and defend women and children – and there was no turning off this reaction – but he had to keep it in check, and hold onto his partner.

Kelly took control of the situation. "Dix, call the police. Warren, keep him in my office until they get here. Ma'am, come and sit down; the police are going to want to talk to you too."

The woman started to cry and yelled angrily at Jane, "You've ruined my life!" as she was led away to sit in another area, separate from her boyfriend and the patients. Jane didn't move, didn't look at anyone, and didn't speak, for a long moment. Then she slowly began to sink towards the floor. Johnny caught her, and carried her in his arms to lay her on a gurney. Roy couldn't seem to stop shaking his head in disbelief.

Dixie rubbed her own arms with her hands as if she was very cold. Jane opened her eyes and looked at them hovering over her.

"How did you know, Jane?" asked Roy gently.

"His voice; 'Sweet dreams.' He came out of the treatment room, and I heard him talking to that woman. He said something about 'sweet' something, and I knew. I knew." She closed her eyes again. Kelly came over to see her, and directed an orderly to take her into treatment 2. Jane gave a wan smile to Dixie. "I did it. I found him."

Dixie nodded, patted her shoulder, then turned away to put her stool back behind the counter. She sat down and put her hands to her cheeks for a moment, closing her eyes and letting her breath out slowly. She opened her eyes, took a deep breath and picked up a chart, but then put it down again right away. There was no way she could read anything, not just yet.

Kelly put his stethoscope back around his neck. "Jane, you'll be fine." He looked at Johnny. "She's just exhausted, that's all."

Johnny wasn't surprised. "No kidding! I'm exhausted!"

Kelly nodded. "It was the emotional equivalent of a very fast marathon."

Jane agreed. "That's certainly what it felt like!"

Johnny asked, "So what now?" His hand stroked his wife's hair.

"I think a couple of hours of uninterrupted sleep is the best prescription."

"Do you call Detective Berger or do I?"

Kelly put his hand his friend's shoulder. "We'll take care of that, Johnny. If you and Roy want to get back to work, I think Jane will be fine here with us." Jane was having a hard time keeping her eyes open, she was so tired. Kell arranged for her to be transferred to an empty room so she could rest, and promised Johnny someone would call him when the detective arrived. John looked over at his wife as he left the treatment room. It looked like she was already asleep.

Roy walked with him over to the supply station to pick up the stuff they had laid out earlier on the counter, before all this had happened. Dixie looked carefully at John. "You okay?"

"Honestly, I have no idea, Dix." He paused. "But now I think about it, yeah, I'm okay." He sighed. "It's just a lot to take in, you know?"

She nodded. "I can't tell you how proud I am of Jane, Johnny. That took guts, going up to that man like that. She didn't attack him, just said what she knew over and over. And you too," she continued, "I was pretty impressed that you held it together. Both of you."

Johnny punched Roy lightly on the shoulder. "Thanks, man. That could have been a very bad scene."

Roy agreed. "It wasn't easy, I can tell you. Holding onto Johnny instead of smashing that guy's face is probably one of the hardest things I've ever done. But Jane did it. Stick to the truth. Stick to what you know. And it worked." The radio crackled, asking about their status. "Squad 51, available."

"Take care, boys." They waved to Dixie, and were gone.

"So, he admitted it?" asked Johnny, sitting at their kitchen table with Jane and the detective.

Jane nodded, and Detective Berger said, "At the station Jane just kept saying what she remembered in a calm voice. At first he said it was her imagination, then that she was the one who had 'wanted it' from him…" Johnny's eyes narrowed, and his finger nails dug into the palms of his hands. "But then, finally, yeah, he admitted it. He really had no choice. She was so clear and confident about what she was saying." Berger shook his head in disgust. "You know that girlfriend of his wanted to press charges against Jane; said that it was all her fault. Kept going on about how Jane had destroyed their relationship."

"And what about Monica?" asked Jane.

"Right now she can't tell us any more than she already has, and unfortunately her memories aren't as clear as yours. But we have DNA evidence, and in a couple of weeks we should be able to confirm that he was involved with her attack as well." He stood up. "Then, it'll go to the District Attorney, and we'll press for 'dangerous offender' status."

"So, he stays in custody?"

Berger nodded. "Hopefully, permanently."

After Berger left their home, John arose from his chair and held out his arms to Jane without a word. She stood up in front of him. He took her into his arms, closed his eyes, and held her tightly against his chest, just breathing in the scent of her hair...they stood together, not moving, for a long moment. Then he kissed her cheek, her eyelids, and her nose; kissed her mouth...


	32. Chapter 32

32

Jane was very careful never to be alone with Roy, and he was grateful. He knew how he felt about her, and he knew that she probably knew. She also knew how much he loved Joanne and his kids, how much he cared about Johnny. He didn't know how she felt about him, but he had suspicions that she cared a lot and that was one of the reasons she was being so vigilant.

It got easier to be around her, and things seemed to slip back into the friendly patterns of contact that they had had before. Roy relaxed, and made sure that he was always extra attentive to Joanne when the two couples were together. As a result, and to his surprise, he felt that he was growing closer to Joanne than he had been since they were first married.

* * *

One night they all went out to a movie, and while they were walking back to their cars afterwards, Jane saw Roy being affectionate with Joanne, so she smiled and nudged Johnny. "I hope we are like that when we've been married that long."

Johnny kissed her hand. "Until we're old, with grandchildren on our knees."

Jane burst into song, "When I get older, losing my hair…" and the other three joined in, "…many years from now…will you still need me, will you still feed me, when I'm sixty-four!" Then they all laughed and laughed, until people in the parking lot stopped to stare at them. Still chuckling, they said goodnight to each other and drove home.

* * *

It was Rose's fourth birthday. Jane had arranged that they would pick up Johnny after his night shift, as she had an appointment for her car at the garage that morning, so they would drop hers off and continue home in his.

Rose walked into the station, her light brown hair a riot of curls to her shoulders. She wore a flowered dress and fancy shoes because she wanted to look 'special' for her daddy. She came into the station kitchen by the back door and announced, "Good morning, Cap. Today is my birthday. I am here to pick up my daddy."

Captain Stanley grinned at her and said, "Good morning to you, too. Are you sure you are not here to work?"

She shook her head at him gravely. "Actually, I have plans for today." Marco offered Jane a cup of coffee, but she took a glass of water instead.

Hank turned to Jane and said, "Actually?"

Jane nodded. "It's her new word. But she's using it correctly, so…"

Chet Kelly came into the kitchen, ready to go home. "Hey there, Rosie! How are you today?"

She came up to him, and asked, "What's its name?"

"What's whose name, Rose? What are you talking about?"

"The caterpillar on your face. What's its name?" Jane started to choke on a mouthful of water, and the other men burst out laughing.

Chet looked offended. "It's not a caterpillar! It's a mustache!"

Rose tilted her head at him, disbelieving. "Will it turn into a butterfly?" The other men were splitting their sides laughing.

Chet got down near Rose's face and pulled on the hair over his upper lip. He said to her, slowly and deliberately, "It's a mustache. NOT a caterpillar!"

She shrugged and walked towards the couch and spoke to the company dog. "Good morning, Henry. Today's my birthday. My mommy's going to have a baby."

Jane stood there with her mouth open, shaking her head in consternation. The captain and Marco tried to congratulate her, but she flatly denied it. "What can I say? She has quite the imagination."

Rose continued her conversation with Henry. "Actually, two babies; a boy and a girl. A brother and a sister. And I'm the biggest so I'm the boss."

Jane called over to her, "That's enough, miss." She turned to Hank. "Is Johnny out on a run? I would have thought all of this nonsense would have brought him out to see her." She nodded towards Rose, who was now petting Henry and telling him about her dress and new shoes.

"Yeah, but he and Roy should be back soon."

"Good. The sooner I get this little girl out of here, the better!"

* * *

Jane was still working two days a week at Rampart. Johnny was working on a day when she was at the hospital, and after a run he decided to drop in and see her in her little annex, to discuss going car shopping – the mechanic at the garage had told them it was time to look at something newer. Dixie told him she hadn't seen her in a couple of hours, so she walked over with him. When they got there, they found Jane sound asleep at her desk, with her head on some papers.

"Jane?" Johnny touched her shoulder. "Sweetheart, wake up!"

She opened her eyes with surprise. "Dixie! Johnny! Oh goodness, I fell asleep!" She blinked her eyes and gave her head a little shake. "I'm so tired, I can't believe it!"

Johnny looked at her with some concern. "Are you okay to drive home?"

Dixie looked at Jane yawning and offered, "If you can wait another hour or so, I'll drive you home. We can leave your car in the parking lot, and you can pick it up tomorrow. How's that sound?"

Jane gave a little frown. "I don't like to put you out of your way, Dixie."

"Nonsense. I don't like friends driving when they're really tired, so it's settled." Jane nodded gratefully. Dixie added, "Since you have some time to wait for me, why don't you come over to the emergency department, and if Joe isn't too busy, maybe he can have a look at you – see if we can find out why you're so tired, hmm?"

Johnny put his arm around his wife's waist. "That sounds like an excellent idea." He kissed her cheek, and added, "I'll see you later, then. Got to go. Bye, Dix."

* * *

Dr Joe ordered some blood tests. "Just routine, Jane. I really don't think there's anything to worry about. Do you have any other symptoms?"

Jane pondered. "I guess because I've been so tired, I've been eating a lot lately – I just thought it was because I needed the extra energy."

"You probably do. That's the usual reason for people being hungry."

She grinned at him. "You're making fun of me."

"Now, Jane, would I do that?" He smiled at her. "Why don't you wait in the waiting room, and when we have some results from these tests, I'll get you to come back and we'll talk about what we need to do then."

She nodded and smiled back at him, and went to wait near the reception desk. She was able to secure a spot on the couch over by the wall, and he found her there, half an hour later, dozing against the arm rest. "Jane? Wake up, my dear. I have your results."

She opened her eyes wide. "I fell asleep again? Good grief!" She got up to walk with Joe back to the treatment room. "Do I have mono or something? Is Rose at risk?"

He held the door open for her to enter, and shook his head. "No. It's not mono, or any other disease."

She sat down on the treatment table with a thump. "No. You're not serious."

He laughed. "Is having another baby serious?"

"I guess I'd better talk to Johnny about this new car being bigger than we'd planned."

* * *

Jane looked in the mirror and was disgusted with what she saw. She sighed and turned one way, then another, trying to find an angle that didn't dismay her. Johnny watched her from their bed, his hands behind his head. "Getting pretty big pretty fast, aren't you?" She glared at him, then reached over and grabbed a pillow and started hitting him with it. "What? What?" he laughed.

She sat down beside him and sighed. "I don't think I can keep working. This baby is just taking too much out of me."

"Looks to me like the opposite!"

"Argh! Will you stop! I already feel like Shamu, the great blue whale! And I'm only just five months!"

He propped himself up on his elbow, and rubbed her belly gently. "Don't you have a check-up today?" She nodded. "Are you going to ask Early about this?"

She looked worried. "You don't think I'm becoming diabetic, do you?"

He shrugged. "Best to ask Doc." He wrapped his arms around her and nuzzled her neck. "Personally, I think it's a great look, and it suits you."

"Boy, you really know how flatter a girl, don't you?"

"What's wrong with what I said?"

"Think about it – I say I look like a whale, and you say it suits me."

He grinned. "I guess it's a guy thing."

* * *

"Let's check the heartbeat, okay?" Jane lay down and Dr Joe took his stethoscope to her belly. He frowned, and Johnny immediately reacted, saying, "What's wrong?" Joe waved at him to be quiet.

Joe checked both sides of her belly several times. He stood up straight, and helped Jane into a sitting position. "Well, I don't think there's much doubt, but an ultrasound will confirm it."

"Confirm what?" both Jane and John chorused together.

"I'm pretty sure it's twins."

"You have got to be kidding."

"Now, Johnny, you have known me for many years. Would I kid about a thing like that?" Jane ran her hands over her belly and blew out her breath.

Johnny shook his head. "That little witch."

"Who?"

"Rose. Remember when she announced to the station that you were going to have a baby – two babies?"

"A boy and a girl. Oh, Johnny! What are we going to do?"

Joe grinned. "The same thing that every parent in this situation does – get as much sleep as possible, call in all the favors you can, and pray they sleep through the night!"


	33. Chapter 33

33

All the firefighters were on edge. It had been a long hot summer, with an extended dry spell, and no rain was in the immediate forecast. Several small but growing brush and forest fires were burning in the region, and there was a feeling that it was only a matter of time before things would get very hairy.

Hank Stanley and his wife were hosting a barbeque in their backyard for the men of Station 51 A shift and their families. Hank's wife had set up a wading pool for the younger children, and the older ones were busy shooting each other with water pistols. The men tried to stay outside and socialize, but kept wandering into the den to watch the news updates.

Mike nodded his head sagely. "Any time now." The other men agreed; the fires were coming together, and there weren't enough men available to deal with them. Soon areas would have to be evacuated.

When the phone rang, most of the women looked at Hank as he spoke into the receiver. Roy looked over at Joanne, raised his eyebrows and pursed his lips together. Johnny was glued to the TV report.

"Okay, Chief." After he hung up, Hank spoke to the room. "We've been called in, boys. Let's go." He turned to his wife and gave her a one-armed hug. "Sorry to do this to you, but we gotta go."

She raised her hand and touched his cheek gently. "I know. Be safe." They all stirred, and started saying their goodbyes. Mrs. Stanley told the women, "You don't have to leave. We have a lot of food, and it needs to be eaten. Please stay as long as you'd like." The other women understood. There was some comfort in staying together.

The children were told that their dads had to go to work, and gave hugs or waved. Rose grabbed Johnny's leg and wouldn't let go – she seemed to pick up on her mother's mood. He kissed her head, and told her to have fun and that he would be home as soon as he could.

Jane stood very still, her hand resting on her prominent pregnant belly. He enfolded her in a big hug. She fought back the panic she felt – this was a bad fire, and someone they knew, someone they loved, might not come home from it. Johnny whispered in her ear, "I'll see you."

She had no words and just nodded. Then, as he turned to go, she called, "Johnny…!" He squeezed her hand, and they were gone, leaving their families looking after them.

Jane and Joanne stayed with Mrs. Stanley putting food away, although Chet's new girlfriend decided to leave because she felt out of place, and Mike's wife, who was quiet like her husband, seemed to need to be in her own home with her children. Marco's wife stayed with the remaining children in the yard, organizing games to keep both them and her occupied.

The two younger women turned to the older one for guidance. Joanne asked, "How do you do it, Louise? When there's a fire like this, how do you cope?"

Louise replied as she put another dish into the fridge, "What makes you think I do?" She looked at Joanne and sighed. "Actually, in the early days of our marriage, when a fire like this would happen, I handled it very badly. I would get angry at Hank. I would question his priorities. Oh, I never said anything to him! But he knew."

She put her hands on the countertop. "I had to work at it, I mean really work at it, but eventually I came to have peace about it. What will be, will be. And we've had a great life together. And he's always come home to me. God willing, he will again…" The three women looked over at the TV set, still on in the den. Would their men come home to them this time?

* * *

It was indeed a bad fire; a big, hungry, angry fire that refused to bend or withdraw. The men of Station 51 met their counterparts coming out of the thick of it and they were barely recognizable. They were just taking a short break, and then heading back in. Most of the state had been mobilized, and there was talk of bringing in crews from as far away as Canada. Roy and Johnny were assigned to the triage team for helicopter evacuations to the hospital. One of the men commented that hell itself couldn't be hotter or meaner.

It was day three of the full mobilization, and the firefighters were sleeping in shifts in provisional tent and trailer cities on the safe outskirts of the fire, grabbing sandwiches when they could. Exhaustion was starting to claim as many casualties as smoke inhalation and burns.

During a welcome lull, Roy and Johnny sat in the triage tent and put their heads back, closing their eyes for a couple of minutes. There was finally a change in the weather, with rain predicted for the afternoon, and with it new optimism that things were getting under control, and that this battle would be won.

"Help!" came a cry from a man running onto the compound. The paramedics sprang up and raced to take over from two men carrying a victim to the triage tent. It was Brad Wilcox, from Station 51 C shift. They placed him on a gurney, and checked his pulse and breathing. Nothing.

"NO," said Roy, and began CPR. Johnny worked feverishly too, both men using all their knowledge and skill to bring their friend back to life. Johnny called Rampart, and followed all their instructions…but there was no response. The fire had claimed its first fatality.

That evening, after the rains came, the fire was declared under control, and the extra crews were released to go home to their families.

* * *

Brad was a young man, a tall, good looking twenty-eight year old, who had always wanted to be a fireman. He was the kind of person the department wanted to have as a representative, because he not only was very good at what he did, he was involved in the community as a respected Scout leader, and a well-liked family man. His wife adored him, and his three young kids thought he was the personification of a superhero.

Four days after his death, his widow held the funeral, and all the men and their families who could make it were there. She was beautiful and stoic, with her long dark hair framing her pale face. Her children stood by her side, solemnly thanking one by one all those who had come to pay respects to their daddy.

The men of C shift were pall bearers, with Captain Stanley and his men following behind. Brad's captain gave a moving eulogy, and talked about the ultimate sacrifice Brad had made so that others' lives and property could be saved, and about the brotherhood that bound them all together. Jane and Joanne stood holding hands as the coffin was accompanied out of the chapel, their husbands in their uniforms and caps looking straight ahead as they marched their brother to his final resting place. Both women wondered if they could be like Brad's wife, and prayed with every fiber of their beings that they would never have to find out.

* * *

Life and death and life in an endless cycle…the twins were born by cesarean section a month before their due date, while the fatal fire still smoldered in some pockets of the valley. Victoria definitely looked like she was going to be redheaded, and her brother William already had dark curls that covered his head. They were good sized babies, over five pounds each, especially considering that they were twins and born early.

In Jane's hospital room two days later, Roy held tiny Will in his arms while Joanne snuggled Vicky. Marco and Chet had also dropped by. Johnny was leaning back in a chair, accepting congratulations and describing the cesarean as if he had been the one giving birth. Jane grinned at him. Things changed, but some things always remained the same. She cleared her throat. "Marco?"

"Yes, Jane?"

"What did the Mexican fireman name his twin sons?"

Everyone looked at Jane in surprise. Marco replied, "I don't know, Jane; what did he call them?"

"Jose and Hose B." There was a shocked silence, and then the room erupted in laughter, until tears ran down their faces.

* * *

When they were alone and the babies had gone back to the nursery, John kissed Jane as he was getting ready to go home to Rose. He asked her, "By the way, do you think that maybe Rose has some magic powers? She called it right on here, with the twins."

Jane tilted her head and smiled. "Perhaps she does have a special line to some higher place. But even if she did, I wouldn't build on it – she's pretty sure of herself as she is now. I don't think it would be good for her to think she can just say something and have it come true."

Johnny sat down beside her on the bed and took her hand. "You once said to me that you couldn't ever thank me enough for loving you and that I have saved you over and over." She looked at him quizzically, her eyebrows slightly raised and with a half-smile on her face. He looked at her fingers while intertwining them with his own, and then up at her face. "I want to tell you that I am a better man because of you, a happy man because of you, and that, in a way, you have saved me." Jane blinked back her sudden tears. "You're my hero, Jane." He leaned in and kissed her mouth, tenderly.

She closed her eyes and put her hand on his cheek. "If I am, then I've learned it from you."


	34. Epilogue

_Epilogue_

It was the annual Firefighter's Picnic, and Roy and Johnny were sitting at a picnic table with cold drinks in front of them, watching the adults versus children baseball game that Roy's son was playing in, and making comments on the spectacularly bad plays they saw. "Oow, you see that, Roy?"

"Yeah, it's amazing the guy can climb a ladder with alternating feet!"

"No kidding."

Off to the side Joanne and Jane were laughing uproariously at something Chet Kelly had said to them. Rose and Roy's daughter were playing some imagination game that involved sneaking up on unsuspecting victims and then squealing and running away when they were seen. The twins were asleep in a double carriage beside the women.

Roy sighed with contentment. Johnny glanced over at his partner and friend. "You remember Roy, when I first got married and I asked you a question?"

Roy snorted, "That was years ago, Johnny, and you've asked me a lot of questions."

"Remember, I had just gotten back from my honeymoon, and just before Chet came into the locker room I asked you –"

Roy interrupted him, "Actually, if my memory serves me correctly, you didn't ask the question, I asked it for you."

"Whatever. But you remember now, right?"

"Yeah, I think I do. 'Does it last?'"

"Yeah, that's the one."

"So, what about it?"

"Well, just that I think I know the answer, Roy."

Roy closed his eyes, feeling the sun warm on his face. "Yeah, Johnny, I think you do. I think you do."


End file.
